Which church?

Yesterday (Sunday), I went to the early morning service at our local Anglican church. I have a friend who attends there, so I had someone to sit beside in the service, as well as at the coffee/fellowship time afterwards (I'm not very good at going places where I don't know anyone). And I chose the early morning service as they use the Book of Common Prayer (BCP) rather than the updated more ecumenical 11 a.m. service. I also appreciate the more traditional hymnal. And I could still attend the Sunday morning gathering of the small house church I've been a part of for a number of years.

The thing is, much as I love our little home gathering, somehow I really miss the depth of the traditional Anglican liturgy with its many scripture readings, prayers, and hymns, as well as the liturgy of the Eucharist. There is such a sense of unity through time and place--the whole "body of believers" who comprise the universal church. On the other time, at our home gathering, I appreciate the opportunity for everyone to share their thoughts and experiences related to their spiritual journey (and the potluck breakfast is pretty awesome, too, right?).

It seems pretty wonderful to me that Christ-followers really are a vast throng of believers from many places and traditions and cultures and even doctrinal "fine points," but centered on Jesus.

For a number of years, I swung from the "evangelical Protestant" church style and doctrinal statements of my upbringing to a "free, organic, home-based church" style based (to some degree) on what we can glean about the early church from New Testament scriptures. I had reacted strongly to a couple church break-ups I had recently experienced and was searching for a more "perfect church." I have come to the conclusion that only our Lord is perfect ... and that the church as a body of believers is bound to reflect (as it should), like a kaleidoscope, the vast variety and creativity beauty of its members, who are so different and unique--created as amazing individuals by their Creator, but brought together into a complex, but simply centered, unity with Him. Along my life long journey, I've attended and participated in a wide variety of "denominations" as well as exploring and building close friendships with people from still other traditions. While I see the value of, in some senses, "committing to" a local group of the church, I am more and more convinced that we also need to know and love our brothers and sisters from many traditions, and learn from and support each other in our journey together.

In reflection, I feel as though my personal journey itself has been a beautiful kaleidoscope. The further along I go, the less I am certain of all the "details" (doctrinal fine points some people are so concerned about and convinced are the only truth) but the more convinced I become that our unity in Christ, who is Truth, is what holds us together and creates the sunlight that makes the journey worthwhile and real, even with all its unexpected moments, twists and turns, and yes, wonderings and doubts and wilderness time.

I am grateful to my times spent in Anglican, Alliance, Free Methodist, Faith Gospel, Nazarene, Anglican, Pentecostal, non-denominational evangelical with a Pentecostal flavour, Anglican, Mennonite Brethren, Baptist, home church... and again, Anglican (there seems to be a pattern, a feeling "at home" to the latter!) Christian churches that have opened their doors and hearts to me--not to mention dear friends from many other traditions who have also shared their hearts with me, and from whom I've learned so much--Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, Judaism, etc. And I also appreciate my deep friendships with those who are also seeking truth through alternative paths such as traditional indigenous beliefs, Mormonism, the Watchtower society, universalism, Baha'i, Hinduism, Buddhism, Sikhs, Islam, new age, and so on. We may "agree to disagree" about some things, but in all these paths I see reflections of our Creator's love and goodness, His reaching out to us.

I know that last paragraph may be distressing to some of my friends who are so sure of the exact rightness of their particular doctrines and creeds, in contrast to all others. I am sure that God knows their hearts just as He knows mine, and I trust his Spirit to, in the end, draw each of us into His Truth, which in our humanness here on this little planet, is far larger and more amazing (and Truthful) that we can imagine. And perfect. His perfection, not ours.

From the gut, not from above the eyebrows

My last post "caught me up" on writing from my journals... and now I'll be writing from where I am right now. I'm not sure how that will go, but it will be from my heart.

I've been reading so many books about writing ... and they almost all focus on writing from the heart. From things that are really important to you. This seems to be a somewhat different approach--and perhaps even better--than the advice to "write from what you know." In her book, Writing From Personal Experience, Nancy D. Kelton calls it "writing from your gut" rather than "from above your eyebrows." I like that picture! I have been so frustrated over the years as I've tried to write "intellectually/from above my eyebrows" (in the case of this blog, "theologically"), always feeling that there are lots of other people out there who are so much more knowledgeable and wise than I am. But Kelton points out that "Everyone has something special to say and a unique way of seeing and saying it. This individuality bubbles up when we allow it to happen and when we get out of our own way." Yes! Writing from the gut--from the heart. I would add, to that suggestion to allow it to happen as we get out of our own way, the additional thought of allowing it to happen as "we get the demands and expectations of others out of our way," since that has always been a problem for me.

In the case of a blog like this, writing from the heart has a sincerity and honesty that purely intellectual writing lacks--and it, of course, involves the unity of my spirit and heart with that of my Creator's Holy Spirit.

Reading the Psalms is a good way to experience that kind of writing, as they are so real, so human. They reflect all the aspects of the writer's heart, and share the reality that we don't have all the answers, that there is mystery--and also emotion and frustration and questioning, along with joy and peace and a bit of knowledge. I do believe we still "see darkly" as I Corinthians 13 puts it--"now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror" (NLT)--but gradually, bit by bit, our Father is opening our eyes.

And guess what? He doesn't mind if our knowledge isn't precisely laid out creed-like; He understands our journey; indeed, HE lays out our pathway, and sometimes it's pretty rough and winding and wilderness-like. "Straight and narrow" it may be, but as Christian discovers in The Pilgrim's Progress, there are some very dark patches, some steep and rocky slopes, some very lonely stretches. Indeed, sometimes it doesn't even seem like He's there with us. He does know what we need--including a lot of growing pains. Especially growing pains, I suspect.

Speaking of growing pains and questionings and mystery, have you watched the movie Silence (2016, director Martin Scorsese)? If you haven't, I do recommend it.

Do Christians pray and pray and pray and pray...

(originally journaled Aug 14, 2017--yes, I'm almost caught up :-) )

Well! I had a wonderful "mini-retreat" kind of weekend, all my myself...and feel much more assured that You love me, are with me, approve of me...and are guiding me even when I don't "see" it in any emotional or concrete way--but on the other hand, this whole weekend has been pretty concrete that You are in me, in my life.

Yes, I'd like to somehow be more "clearly Christian" and "reach out to people more clearly" and be surer that I'm including You in all my daily activities...but I'm glad to know You are with and in me, even without the "for sure, clearly."

The Flee, Be Silent, Pray book by Ed Cyzewski has been a great help and assurance. And I really do feel relieved at the thought of being able to have short devotional times a few times a day versus intensive many chapters of scripture reading and long prayers once a day.

The only thing I wonder about is all those people with their needs that I've been praying for day after day. I always remember hearing about that girl in India who would pray for over 500 people every night ... and great men of the church who'd pray for 4 or more hours a day on their knees in the closet or at their bedside, wearing dips into the floor. And Susannah Wesley's prayer times with her apron over her head while her dozen children ran around (although she did have a cook, gardener, and maids to help with the kids!).

We were so taught that real/great Christians prayed and prayed and prayed--until they "broke through" (every day), though they seemed to be mostly men (reverends) with wives to take care of life, or single people without too many other responsibilities!

Oh well, I've always been attracted by Brother Lawrence's approach (as in The Practice of the Presence of God) which is much more of being aware of and listening to You in all the little moments of the day. And now this book I just read about "The Divine Hours" and "Contemplative Prayers" and "The Examen."

Maybe I could do my "list everyone" prayers once or twice a week--or divide up the list into 7 days--so I don't sometimes have the feeling of it "hanging over my head" all the time. (Terrible of me to have that attitude, eh?)

Okay, so I'm going to order The Divine Hours books by Phyllis Tickle. And I also have the Anglican Prayer Book that belonged to my grandfather, and the Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals by Shane Claiborne et al. Those should keep me going in a way that I can really handle, in a way that I can focus on You throughout the day.

He Loves Us!

Do you ever feel, as I sometimes do, that your spiritual life is going nowhere, that it's stuck in a rut? Or do you wonder if you've ever written anything that might be of help to anyone?

I started this blog in 2009 (yes, 8 years ago) ... and I also transferred some blog posts from other blogs I'd written as far back as 2000 (17 years ago!) after the platforms (like Geo Cities--which I started blogging on in the mid-1990s) were closing down. I am amazed to see I've written 884 posts on this site (and that's not counting all my other blog sites and posts over the years).

Sometimes it's a good idea to go back and re-read some of the things you've written in the past (in blogs, in old journals, on old computer disks...). It's reassuring to see the journey as it has rolled out. It's reassuring to see how God has been directing you, loving you, holding your hand even when things have seemed to be at their darkest and most hopeless.

He loves us!

You are Part of My Plans and Purposes

(originally posted on another blog 9 years ago ... and still relevant!)

"Just a little longer, My child.  I have it all under control.  I am working out My plans and My purposes - perfectly - and not only will your turn to be 'part of my work' come, but you are already, right now, part of it--only you don't see it right now.

I am with you, and you are with Me.  You are!  Just trust Me.  Keep abiding.

(Don't you think that maybe it's a good thing that you 'can't see' how I'm 'using you' in My plans?  For, can't you see, the temptation to become proud isn't there dangling itself in front of you!  And isn't that a good thing, My little child?)"

Trust My Love

(Originally posted 9 years ago this month ... but it's a message I still need to hear!)

My  child…

I love you!  Trust in me, simply,  like a little child.  Don’t try to make it more difficult than I mean it to be.   I am the One who has already fought the battle, and won it.

You are still trying to do it yourself.  You still must let me take control.  You can’t cajole, earn my love and care and protection.  It’s all there already.  I’ve  done the job.  It’s finished.  I have defeated the enemy!  The victory is won!   You are victorious – in Me!  Through Me!  The world can’t touch you.  It can’t  take away from you (or Me) what I have already completed.  It’s done.

I am already protecting you, already delivering you, already have placed you under My wings.  You are already in my dwelling place.  It’s not something you have to  work for, earn, struggle for--not even “believe in.”  It is.

I AM.  And we are united.  The vine and the brand vitally united.  Living My Life together!  A  mommy, a daddy, are there for their baby.  It just cries out knowing that Mommy and Daddy, in their all-consuming love, will respond, shelter, care for, fight for!  Win the victory for!

It’s only when a child starts seeking its own independence that simple faith,  simple belief, starts to unravel.  Just depend on Me.

(Can you really think of even one reason not to?)

Busyness, Self-Reckoning, and the Bigger Questions of Life

(originally journaled July 19, 2017)

I'm having a hard time getting back into the "intellectual mode" since most of our company has returned to their homes. I guess I was just getting used to relaxing my brain--and my body at bit, too, though I did lots of cooking, housework, childcare, etc. while everyone was here.

I have this weird "feeling" hanging around the edges of my brain that I need to make some changes in direction (spiritually/in everything) but I can't seem to get a hold on what that should be. I did read an article about listing everything you do--and then adding the words "with God" to each item. I kind of feel like that might be where to start.

I haven't done Bible reading/prayer/devotions for at least 3 weeks, maybe more. I just got so "bogged down," so feeling "obliged ... dutiful" although maybe that was partly because I was feeling the same about writing, tutoring, etc. My brain was so tired--and resentful a bit, too. I just read a study that suggests that after age 40, people should start slowing down, working less hours a week, because after that age, as the brain starts to slow down, stress from trying to keep up with "full-time" can really affect productivity--so it's better to work less and be productive and unstressed during "part-time work." Sounds good to me, LOL!

Hmmmm...

And then today (Aug 3) I read the following quote:

“Kierkegaard, in Either/Or, makes fun of the “busy man” for whom busyness is a way of avoiding an honest self-reckoning. You might wake up in the night and realize that you’re lonely in your marriage, or that you need to think about what your carbon footprint is doing to the planet, but the next day you have a million little things to do, and the day after that you have another million things. As long as there’s no end of little things, you never have to stop and confront the bigger questions.” -Jonathan Franzen, Best American Essays

Hmmm... am I too busy? Work? Hobbies? Chores? Just rushing around? So many little things... Is it time to "stop and confront the bigger questions"? How do I, as a busy person (who admittedly has enjoyed the busy life, even if I'm feeling kind of tired of it just now), do that? I want to switch gears...but how?