Monday, 17 January 2011

Wonderings, asked kind of fearfully

To be honest, I have wondering that I'm scared to ask, Father.

But, well, ummm.... would You happen to have an answer for me?  Right now, here, today?  This moment?

I mean, well, am I maybe even special enough to You, for that? 
Or have I failed You too much, too often?
Am I even "smart enough"?
What about the fact that I am "just a woman"?

(And if woman aren't meant to really hear from You, be led by You, to teach others, or whatever...
then why do You make us with those longings?

Okay, I know, yes, it does give us something to give up, to submit to, to DIE TO... to hand over to You... to lose forever... to die to, in order to GAIN YOU!) (Is that right?) (And maybe those longings are just me? Oh dear).

Sometimes I feel like a little kid who's been given a huge birthday present, in brightly wrapped paper, with a huge ribbon.  And I've opened the box, and the gift was exactly what I've wanted and wanted.  And all my little friends are crowded around, oohing and ahhing.  And I'm so proud and happy and excited.  (I even thought it must be from You,  it's so wonderful.  But...)

And then it's like You come along (I'm told it's You), and You reach out and pull my wonderful gift away, put it behind You, out of sight.  And you stretch out Your hand, and offer me this tiny little box wrapped in ripped old newspaper, and I open it doubtfully.  And it looks just, well, empty.  And yes, I feel kind of disappointed, but You know, I'm not supposed to admit it, so I try to smile and say, thank You very much, I know I'll love it always.  And You (it is You, right?) assure me that really it is a wonderful gift.  That it's full of wonderful promises and other amazing (intangible) things.  And if I trust You enough, someday I'll see them.  "Just trust Me."  And I nod my head.  (But I'm kind of numb.  And doubtful.) (Sorry.)

So, well maybe, You know, it would be easier if I didn't have to "give up" the treasured gifts I've already received.  But (I'm told) the giving up, the dying-to, the end of clinging-to-plastic (I'm told that's all those other things really are, after all), is necessary.  (Isn't it?). 

Father, I have to tell You (though of course You already know, because Jesus came here and experienced it, right?)... it's kind of hard to do this giving up.  I mean, we live in this here-and-now.  We're so physical.  And temporal.  And "forever with You" is a strange thing for us.  Or at least for me.  It seems so impossible, intangible, untouchable, hazy, unbelieveable.  (Am I wicked for wondering?  I'm afraid probably so.  Sorry.  Again).

And yet we are born longing for it always (longing for forever with You), longing with all our being (even when we don't know that's what we're longing for). 

Maybe my thinking is too earth-bound.  (Or too doctrine-bound).  (Or?  Father?)

(Maybe I should just "praise the Lord" and all these questions will just disappear).

(The thing is, if I didn't trust You, if I didn't KNOW You, if I didn't know that YOU LOVE ME, then maybe I wouldn't even be asking these things; I mean, there wouldn't be any point, would there?) ( I'm pretty sure that is right!) (I think.)

Okay.  Deep breath.  I'm hitting the "publish" button now.

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