I don't even know for sure, anymore, what "being a Christian" entails, as far as expectations, and what I am "supposed to do" and all. I mean, I feel like all the old "certainties" have been pulled out from under me. And I'm floating, wobbling, in mid-air. Not in danger of crashing per se, because I KNOW You are with me and are holding me up. You ARE with me. That I KNOW. But beyond or beside that?
Or is there any "beyond" or "beside"?
Is that the point?
Just YOU? Is that the point? Stop looking for someone's framework to hold onto? Stop trying to create my own framework (that inevitably causes me to lose sight of You, as I try to build to suit my own perceived needs and desires)?
Then where does Your family even fit in? Do I need to let that go, too? I mean, let go worrying about church? Trying to build, improve, fix it. Yes, the very idea seems, well, heretical. Dangerous. Very lonely.
Isn't being all involved in, committed to, actively doing church (oops...) what being a Christian is all about? Oh. No?
YOU are what it's all about, Jesus. Of course. I mean, I know that. "The church of Jesus Christ." I've always known it, though I've often lost sight of it. Or maybe I've lost sight of You too often. Maybe I just haven't really gotten sight of You...?
But without church to hold my Christianity up? I mean, oh dear, to hold You up, Jesus Christ? Don't You need us? Aren't we important? Essential? (Central? oh oh dear).
However will the world be reached, how will morality be protected, how will we have "good government" (etc etc etc) ... without us?
What? You don't NEED us (though You certainly love us, and choose us to be in active relationship with You, fulfilling Your purposes...)? Really? Are You sure You could save the world (truly save it, a lot better than we do) without us? How could that be? (Yes, of course I am being sarcastic. At myself. For not seeing this before. I mean, in a way I have seen before about the failures of "the church" as a general group/organization/institution ... but I really didn't see (maybe didn't want to) myself wanting to make the church succeed - in the ways that I think it should . After all, I do want to be NEEDED (and useful. And appreciated. And not alone).
Maybe this recent period of feeling useless and unneeded by my biological family has been a good thing. Coming to realize that I am still loved, am still me, still "mom" at heart ... and that's enough. Being part of the family without having to "do" certain things, fulfill certain roles I've always believed are "mine". Just able to be part of the family. Participate in whatever ways come up. Even just enjoy sitting in the grandma rocking chair, lol!
And so with You and Your body, Your church, Your family. Knowing that I am loved (by You - and them. And that I can just love You and them too). That I am part of the family. That I can just wait and see what You are up to, where You are taking the family, and then fit in wherever and whenever You beckon.
(Instead of trying to make everything fit my wishes and expectations)
Amen. Thank You, Lord.