Monday, 17 January 2011

wonderings, about Jesus-at-the-center and giving up ourselves, and "beliefs"

Is it possible to be so centered on Father (or on You, Holy Spirit), to miss out on You, Jesus?  I'm guessing yes.

I mean, it's pretty easy to know a human being for a long time, even think you know them well, and then to suddenly realize there's a whole part(s) of that person that you really don't know at all, right?  (And to feel lonely, pushed away, locked out by that person, even while in a supposedly close relationship with him/her...

But You don't lock us out, do You?  Maybe we lock ourselves out though?  Maybe You are so great, so... well, GREAT... that we're afraid to take on more than a little bit of You (so we kind of create an image of You for ourselves that we feel more comfortable with.  Or we just avoid going deeper because we feel overwhelmed and it's too much work, too much effort.  And, oh yeah, maybe we don't want to lose our "selves" in the process of coming into knowing You.  Am I even afraid of myself, me, being drawn too much into You? 

In a book I read, the writer was kind of up in arms, because somewhere along the line he'd been taught that we have to give up ourselves, and he took that as meaning losing our identity.  And maybe I've been afraid of that too.  Do You want us to lose our identity?  Is that part of "dying to self?"  I'm kind of doubting that You'd want to do that, lose who we are, after creating us Yourself.  Maybe we're just called to lose the "fallen" parts of our identity (as well as our self-centeredness).  How do we know what those parts are, even?  How much would that change me?  Am I willing to be that changed?  Is that what "losing/dying to myself, and being found/rising anew in You" is about?  Or something else?

I used to be pretty sure about what I believed.  I considered myself a teacher.  I facilitated women's Bible studies, and led Sunday School and taught at a "Christian school." 

Nowadays... "I KNOW WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED" but I'm a lot less sure of a lot of details about "beliefs." 

Maybe I should just focus more on the KNOWING WHO (grow more in relationship with God!) and then the "knowing what and when and how and why" will begin to  fall in place?

Father? Jesus? Holy Spirit?

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