struggling to believe

(originally written Dec 3-4, 2013)

I'm feeling so "failed" ... so far from You, Father, dear Jesus, Holy Spirit.
I feel so far behind in everything.

Psalm 12:6 : "The words of the LORD are pure words; As silver tried in a furnace on the earth, refined seven times."
But my words are so totally impure.
And so is my heart.
Can I even consider myself a "believer" anymore?
Have I turned my back on You too much?
(Maybe not. You are still calling me, reaching out to me, holding me).
(I so don't deserve You.
But You love me. Period.)
(Thank You.)

****

Psalm 13. I feel like I should turn this Psalm around:

How long, Oh child? Will you forget Me forever?
How long will you hide your face from Me?
How long will you exalt other people and things over Me?
Consider and answer Me, O my child.
Allow me to enlighten your eyes, that you not sleep the sleep of death.
Do not allow the enemy to overcome you,
And to rejoice when you are shaken.
But come, my child, and trust in my lovingkindness.
Let your heart rejoice in my salvation.
Sing to me, your Lord,
who has dealt bountifully with you.

Yes, indeed. Time to turn back.
I am sorry, Lord for turning my back to your face
and following the thoughts of the world.
There are so many things I do not understand--but you know all and are all-wise.
Help me, please to trust and rest in you and in your wisdom and understanding!