(written January 1 and 2, 2014)
Because it is January 1, I guess I am supposed to "Resolve" ... but it has been years since I've had the courage (or foolhardiness) to do that...
Also partly because I am so pretty much convinced that "His purposes prevail despite the many plans in my heart" ... and that "My plans/ prayers/ resolutions," if I insist upon them, often turn out badly (whereas just walking along with Father, with no clue a lot of the time where we might be going--except in over-all "spiritual terms" -- seems in hindsight ... and often enough in the midst of it ... to be good, worthwhile.)
It seems that I don't really get "disappointed with, or angry at, or frustrated with God and His ways. I don't even really question/wonder about them anymore. I mean, I do often feel that "I don't get it" in the midst of circumstances -- but I'm okay with it. However...
What I'm not okay with is people (including myself). Why, why, why are we so foolish -- cruel -- evil -- thoughtless -- selfish -- etc.? I mean, yes, I know the sin explanation ... but I still can't for the life of me, figure out why, when we KNOW that selfishness and cruelty and ... sin! independence from You ... just inevitably ends up totally screwing everything up, why do we keep doing it?
I mean, even people who don't know you, and maybe don't believe in sin or morality and think we're just a sheer accident of evolutionary processes -- when they have the whole record of history to reflect upon -- and all the messed-up world that exists right now, right here, right in their faces -- why do they keep on doing the same stupid things anyway?
It is so obvious that riches, fame, power don't make life better, even for the people who have the most of them. They often have the most screwed-up lives of all, it seems to me. I mean, people flock after famous movie stars and sport heroes and other rich and powerful people -- when they know perfectly well that their lives are so totally messed up. Today's media makes sure we know. So what is the big attraction?
Psalm 22: Remember the deliverances, the stories of faith and trust, from the past. Recite. Tell them aloud to a new generation.
(Yes, I should write those down, the stories from my own life...) (I could!)
v 10: Upon You I was cast from birth; You have been my God from my mother's womb.
(And she from her mother's womb ... and my children from my womb ...)
What a heritage! My mom kept trusting You for me ... O Lord, help me to keep trusting You for my children -- and grandchildren -- because I've given them to You as much as I can ...
Thank you that you are present -- even when it "feels" like maybe you aren't. And thank-you that the assistance you give is not always what we expect or hope for ... but it is always right and perfect ... and always draws us closer to eternity with you -- that for which we were created, and that for which our souls long, even though we may not realize or understand it ...!
(Thank you ... Your voice, again! You ARE here with me. )
v 31: They will come and will declare His righteousness, To a people who will be born, that He has performed it.
Oh dear God -- that is what I need to do: to declare, to write! -- of You!
Please help me.
I'm afraid ... please take away my fear (she said, even while she was shaking in fear about it).