(journaled January 5 2014)
Is "intellectual assent" (to doctrines/beliefs) even assent if it doesn't result in repentance (changed mind - penitence - turning around) that results in a changed heart and mind, led by You?
Can we "believe we believe" but be fooling ourselves? Are there levels of belief? If so, at what level do You "accept" us? Mustard-seed size? (which is apparently all it takes for great, miraculous answers to prayer, so maybe it is all it takes for the greatest miracle of all - being accepted as righteous in Your eyes through Jesus' sacrifice - right?)
It is true - your voice is much clearer when we focus on You ... it is good to "practice your presence" all the time - but we need focused time with You, too -- it's true in human relationships, too. It is too easy to just live "parallel" - be physically present together, be aware of each others' presence and be polite and all -- but not really focus on each other, listen to each other, care deeply for each other, truly serve each other ...
And that's how I have been living with You (and the trouble is, as time goes by, just depending on "parallel living" isn't enough, it turns out. Without keeping up focused, face to face, interactive relational conversational times together -- and worship, praise, prayer -- it is inevitable that even the "parallel" living just pulls farther and farther apart ... and disintegrates.
I have been there for so long. I am sorry. I want to truly believe.
Micah 6:8 He has told you, O man, what is good: And what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?