paradox disbelief and You

Lord, it was so much easier (in some respects) when the Adam and Eve story was, to me, true in a physical--fundamentalist--sense ... no doubts about the "facts" ...

I just wish right now that it was "that simple" ...I don't know why I feel that way ... maybe it just makes the effects of sin easier to explain, even accept ... and less likely to wonder about other things in the Bible ... And how, if it really is "God's Word," why does the "evidence" of life seem not to line up so well with it.

I do believe in Your wisdom and in You, I really do ... oddly enough, the more I have questions, the more I believe! But I feel so ... well, so paradoxical. Why is it that so much about You is paradoxical ... at least in terms of our human experience.

"The last shall be first." ... "Righteous through suffering." (And a 7 day creation story, with two original, specially created first people, in a world that from a scientific perspective seems to say something quite different. And yet ... I still believe the meta-narrative at least ... but I find myself more and more wanting to believe the "details" in a simple child-like way ... like I used to.

"Just believe." There was a time when I really liked to be a "rebel" and "question things." Now I just want to believe. Accept. You. Even when that seems to require that I somehow totally "suspend my disbelief" no matter the questions I have.

It's like there are different kinds of belief--and how they interact (or don't), I don't know. How is it that I can "believe the evidence of science" -- and of my senses, and of daily experiences, and the experiences of multitudes, throughout history even--on the one hand; and yet at the same time believe (or at least desperately want to believe... I think maybe I'm finally moving toward that mustard seed ... in You (and all that goes along with You).

"My kingdom is not of this world."
Indeed. Truly.
But this world is where You put us. The home You made for us (however that happened ... and yes, the 7 days and nights explanation sure does hold appeal, even if "scientifically" we scoff ...).

(Prov 3:19-20) I guess that's it ... the focus is You, Your wisdom and understanding ... so far beyond ... so OTHER than ours ... And yet, You created us "in Your image." Somehow, we have a share in You, in Your wisdom, in spite of our limitations (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) and our sin.

You are the meta-narrative, and we are so small within it. We really "can't see the forest for the trees" for the most part--but You allow us glimpses sometimes ... and mostly we prefer to scamper back into the "safety" of the darkness of the little patch of forest we "know."

So foolish--
When You want us to meet, encounter--embrace--Your wisdom. Embrace You.
Oh boy.

(from my journal, Nov. 11, 2013)