struggles in relationship with God

Oh Father, You know I want to be close to You...
Why am I having such a hard time focusing on You?
Sometimes I wonder if I've just wandered too far away, and "lost it" ... salvation, connection, relationship ... You. :-(
I know its not true, but sometimes it sure nags at me.
Are You a "nag"? No! So I know it comes from either the enemy, and/or my own brain/ memories/ perspectives/ old nature/ whatever.

I mean, You are here right now. I know it, even feel it deep down, with certainty. So why do I have such a hard time opening my Bible? Why, sometimes, do I even question "belief in God"? And yet, when others scoff at belief in God, I do want to stand up for You.

I don't know. Maybe it's just that "belief in God" and "belief in Jesus" seem so much "deeper," so much "beyond" the "formulas" I once held on to. More that just "affirmations" to repeat, sing, cling to.
I want to cling to YOU. Not to theories.
I think my most effective "written prayers" were that--clinging to You, rather than repeating "mantras," so to speak.

Why is "relationship with You" so hard for me? Why can't I just have relationship as it flows, without constantly worrying if it's done right or wrong, and if I am pleasing you or not?
Maybe that's my problem--my deep-down fear of being "wrong," being a "failure" and "not pleasing You" ... and BEING REJECTED!

So I just googled "impute righteousness" ... and YOU HAVE! Wow! All the emphasis on "relationship" and Your love is wonderful and uplifting ... BUT:
Your imputed (credited, justified, saved, forgiven, counted) righteousness in/through Jesus -- that is far more amazing and awesome! We can't have the "relationship" without the imputed righteousness--which of course comes from Your "so loved the world." How true it is--the great commandment--based upon Your very character: love! God is love!

I think I lost sight of the GOOD NEWS!!
Thank you for pointing me back! (Ironically, through my fear of judgment ... which I often call down: ie. "free pass from hell"... except for me it is not fear of hell but FEAR OF BEING CUT OFF FROM YOU.

(excerpts from my journal, October 2013)