waverings? ... about security ... but I know Your love! and I am secure!

May 1, 2010

I have been hearing these “voices on my shoulder” lately, Father. Voices saying things like:

- “You’re going to get in trouble now! Don’t you think you are committing heresy with all this “just live in Jesus’ love” stuff? Don’t you think you should start “going to church” again? Don’t you think that all that “security” stuff is really wrong? What if you are leading other people down the garden path? What if you’re responsible for turning them to false beliefs?”

- “Aren’t you afraid that maybe you and your kids aren’t that “secure,” really? Because, look, you are following and propogating weird ideas. And look – your kids are already mixed up because of stuff you’ve taught them before! Do you want to get them more mixed up? Do you want to lose them? And have it be your fault?”

Father! I have to admit that there are moments when it seems to me, especially when I hear these doubts hammering away at me, that maybe my new-found security in You (for me and my family) is too good to be true, after all. That my freedom from having to “deserve” and “keep on deserving,” and my freedom from having to worry that every little “wrong” thing that I do or don’t do is going to ruin things between You and me forever – that that freedom from You is really too good to be true. And then I waver, and wonder… what if it is too good to be true? What if I am really passing on “bad/ evil” teaching? What if it does destroy my kids?

AND YET … I know Your love. I experience You all the time. (Oh boy… there’s this voice just now that asked, “Are you sure it really is God you’re experiencing? Not just your own fleshly wants and wishes, and false teachings you’ve heard?” Papa! It’s a malevolent voice… I think… [ha! I just heard that “I think” phrase, too].
But Papa, when I worry about these things, this voices that cause me to waver, to begin to doubt, I remember to turn quickly to Your Word and Your Spirit. And You do assure me of Your love and guidance and care! (And yes, when I need it, You do clarify things, point out things, where I have gone a little “off” or haven’t quite understood… You have so much to teach me! And I want to learn – Your Truth, from You!).

You do assure me of Your eternal security (the real thing – not just a “doctrinal point”) for those who have accepted Jesus’ salvation and have become Your children, children of God! In Your family!

(Yes, You do want Your children to walk closer and closer with You. But they are Your children, and You don’t reject them if they don’t quite “measure up” right away or all the time. You don’t reject them – do You?

And You do keep following them, reaching out to them, calling, stretching Your arms open wide, pouring out Your love!)