Thursday, 19 January 2017

Death and heaven and related thoughts

(Originally journaled Feb 25, 2015)

"I will trust in the Lord till I die."

"You who raised Jesus from the dead: raise us also to life abundant."

When I was so depressed--more than once--I came to a point where I was no longer afraid to die because I would be done with this world, and home to peace with Jesus.  Maybe it also took away that motivation to "follow the rules" so I'd be saved and it led me to just be a Jesus follower instead. I still sometimes find myself temporarily "worrying," but I'm not afraid of death anymore.

That time I seriously wanted to jump from the bridge into the icy waters of the river, I guess I wasn't really thinking of "eternity" at all. I just wanted to slip into the cold icy water and slip away---to sleep and never wake up to another unhappy moment. That's a different thing than not being afraid to die. That's just being desperately tired and hopeless.  I get why people do that. Is it really a "sin" when you can't think of anything but escaping from your circumstances ... and all you want is to totally sleep for a hundred years or so?  I bet most people feel that way at one time or another. The thing that stopped me that time was my five children at home who needed me. The decision not to jump didn't have anything to do with "heaven or hell" at that point, it was just thinking of my children's needs.

I guess I should be all excited about heaven. I don't know, though, when that will come or how it will be. All I know is someday I will meet You ... and I am okay with that. I'm not afraid because I know You love me and have brought me all along, even in my times of doubt and rebellion and questionings, so I can't imagine You'll change Your mind after all. However, when I think about it, I would like to have something with which to say "thank You." And I think that all You would want is for me to love and follow you more faithfully than I do. And if I do that, then the "praise" which I know is sadly lacking in my life, in my walk with You, will also grow.

Right now, the thought of "enthusiastic praise" just makes me feel tired. I guess maybe I just need to get out and get some fresh air and sunshine ... and more time with You, or, at least, more "practice of Your presence"?

I do love you, Lord. I'm just not feeling very "demonstrative" right now. But loving You is more than just a sense of duty, or fear of hell, or whatever. It is from knowing I am loved by you.

"Give us grace to live faithfully whatever the cost. Amen"

Lord, please just give me the grace to live faithfully. Thank you, Lord. Your amazing grace really is enough--though some help to follow you more faithfully and boldly would be nice.

"You order your kingdom with justice, Lord: and judge the nations with loving-kindness."

Yes, you do judge with loving-kindness.  You do. Thank You!

"Train us to be faithful, Lord, and teach us your ways so our lives may reflect you, to the glory of God the Father. Amen."

This is what I really want. Please.

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