Today is Thursday, October 28, 2010, and it is 2:32 pm. I have just come out from a short but brisk walk on a slightly chilly, gray, breezy October day. Still, the beautiful colored leaves and the fresh air have me feeling alive and excited to get back to the real world. Back from the world of grayness - which I was enveloped in again this morning, after slowly but surely coming out from a long dim period in my life.
When I realized I was sliding back into the dull sadness (for whatever reason - I don't really know), I knew I had to get outside. Yesterday I went for a long walk in lovely sunshine with my friend, G, all the way to Okanagan beach and back. And I arrived home tired, but the sunshine had worked its way into my heart.
I want to stay in the sunlit space. Thank You, Father, for urging me not to give into the darkness seeking to press me back, but instead to get out into the light of Your beautiful Creation. And of Your beautiful Presence. Perhaps it was just the dark enemy trying to pull me back? I don't know, but oh, Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit! Here I am, with You!
Well, actually, I've been with You all along. You've been with me all along. Even when I was too tired to do anything but just lay there, knowing You would never leave me.
I have been thinking about doing the NaNoWriMo challenge again. It starts in four days. Yet the mere thought of trying to be creative seems to wear me out. Still, I think - I'm sure You've told me - it would be a good way to get out of this huge block, this huge fear I have developed, of doing anything. Especially, of writing. Maybe not that I should write a novel - I still don't have a story (or maybe I do; maybe where I've been the last while is a story in itself), but I still can write. Write whatever comes to mind. (Which is part of the NaNoWriMo thing, to some degree, isn't it?).
I've been afraid that my dream of writing had turned out to be just that - a dream. I've been afraid that once again, I've failed. That I just wasted 5 months trying to develop something that was never meant to be. That now that I've slept the better part of another 2 months, maybe I better just get a simple job - like the one I saw posted at Orange Julius - and earn some income to contribute to the family coffers. And not take on anything at which I'd have to really work. (And, yes, something at which I'd possibly falter or fail. Again.)
A couple weeks ago or so I was really excited about the thought of possibly working at a job I applied for at Coles Book Store. I love books. I would love to share that love with others. So I applied. And then the deadline came and went. And I haven't heard a thing. Guess that got me down. Which is probably why I decided I should just try for something simple.
But You know me. The girl who likes a challenge. Adventure. Brain work. (I'd like some human interaction, too. It's been a rather long lonely couple months, mostly stuck home, pretty much alone a lot of the time (hubby and son being at work a lot of the time) (and not much company) (but thank You so much for G, and G and J, and M) (and, oh yes, my family, when I do get to see them!). And especially, thank You for You. Always here with me. Even when the eyes of my heart have been too dim to really interact with and appreciate Your Presence. (But always I've been in Your comfort). Thank You.
End of entry one in my fresh start. 664 words. The NaNoWriMo challenge works out to about 1667 words per day on average. Just 1000 words to go today! In another post.