April 11, 2009
Interesting… You also sent me (finally) to the Godjourney podcasts after ___ posted a link to it yesterday on fb… I listened while scanning photos… and You clearly answered my questions about feeling “alone” with “the church group” … wow, thank You!
I can see now how You “took me out of commission” for a whole variety of reasons…
- time to de-church (like de-school)
- time with my kids
- make me realize that that job (which was tempting as it seemed to be a “passport” to the Island and buying a house) isn’t what You want for me.
- You made me ready to listen to those podcasts (which I have been resisting for a good two years nearly!) (because I “don’t like to listen” … to “religious programming” … hmmm… just realized that! Somehow it’s tied up in my mind with “having to listen to” endless sermons/ preaching at me/ forced learning/ teaching jammed down my throat/ etc.
I realized so much, listening to those podcasts (running in the background as I uploaded those great old pictures!) (I liked that… I even ran some parts over again, not wanting to “miss” things that caught my attention).
I think I was getting “hung up” on church structure and stuff, and losing track of real relationship with You. Thank You for this time of pain and discouragement that has made me realize how lonely and frustrated I’ve become… because of being distracted from “that good thing – You”… like Martha… oh Lord God, Papa… and Jesus and Sarayu… I want to be Mary sitting at Your feet.
One of the podcasts was talking about leaders, and how the leaders You choose just naturally fulfill the roles You prepare them for and lead them through. They don’t need special training and positions and job titles and pay cheques to somehow validate what just IS in their life, because they are walking with You where You lead and provide and empower (in-power?!?).
I still find myself thinking, “I have to do something to serve God, to be a good Christian, to make the church people – and my family, even – happy… and apparently, to make You happy, by extension…”
But I don’t. I just need to be sitting at Your feet… and You will use me along the pathway of Your love, our love, our relationship, in the daily pathways of life… like Mary anointing Your feet in love and humbleness… and being remembered forever for her simple deed of pure, unadulterated love for You!
Yesterday I was sitting at Your feet, with Your people (via podcast!)… the two guys in the conversation, and also the crowds listening in, and the email responses that they read and discussed, and the testimonies / stories of peoples lives beings changed by Your love, by their journey with You, in Your love!
I was to re-listen… and listen to other podcasts from the Godjourney (when You so lead)! Here are the notes I took yesterday: (about loneliness when one is freed from the system):
- There is a shepherd attending to His flock… and He knows where they are out there… and He is doing a good job.
- Wake up every day and ask God, “How do You want me to live with love today?” Just be engaged with whoever God sends along.
- Stop looking for a package. God just want to put people in front of you.
- God knows how to connect the parts of His body – it is God who builds the body!
- Community is a gift from God (… and He gives good gifts to His children who ask Him… and I actually don’t think I’ve asked! Father, please provide Your community for me… and please help me to “live with love today,” being engaged with whoever You send along, sharing our journey, and Your/ our/ my love!)
…. Later… so I just emailed a friend… and then phoned her… and she told me that You are showing them that the blood of Jesus covers our body as well as spirit and soul… and that we don’t need to accept satan’s physical oppression… and it was You telling me, “This is what I’m showing you! Just ask and I will heal. Just ask and I will bring community. Just ask and I will clear your mind, and you will be able to do whatever I bring your way.” It’s like You are bringing them that taped message, and asking them to act on it – which You are bringing me a healed body and mind and spirit … and using them to explain to me how that all happened/ worked! Wow… cool!