I Want to Know You as You Really Are

Photo by Reinhart Julian on Unsplash

(originally journaled Oct 7, 2019)

Lord, I want to know You as You really are, not some human interpretation of You. I believe You are far beyond and above any small "divine spark" humans think they can find within them. And beyond and above, yet within and totally involved in and caring about, every moment of all Your creation. Certainly far, far more than some "Gaia" figure. Yes, You are my root and my eternal future ... should I choose to follow You. But how it is that You could let our puny human minds make that kind of immense decision. "Free will." Our understanding of the choice we are offered is so limited and we are so wound up in our narrow, overwhelming physical existence. Having the opportunity to reject You--with all its consequences--doesn't seem very "loving" to me just now. But yes, my human mind just doesn't "get" You. Yes, I know. Trust. Obey. Have faith. Let You be You.

Do we all yearn for You? It does seem we are drawn in some way to a need, even a desire, for Your "divine spark," to You, our "Source." But it is so easy for us to get distracted by our physical lives ... and even by the so-called "spiritual" baubles that sparkle enticingly. Maybe sparkles are easier to handle than Your overwhelming brilliance, glory, power, Presence. Maybe we do like the darkness, the "shadowlands" we dwell in. Maybe we fear the sunshine that the early rays of morning, of dawn, promise—yet which seem so far away in the long night of our earthly existence. Maybe we'd rather settle for little rays of flashlights (usually ones whose batteries are flickering) rather than stretch out, work toward, open our hearts and arms toward Your brilliance that is promised just beyond the mountaintop horizons of our earthly journey.

Do you really open some people's eyes and hearts more than others? It does seem like those least distracted by both the physical baubles of life (wealth, power, respect, good physical health, human intelligence, human relationships) and even spiritual baubles (all that double-speak that our human ideas of "spirituality" and  "religion," and the "light side" and "dark side" too) which offer themselves as a ready, shiny alternative ... those least distracted by these baubles are the the ones most attracted and open to You. The ones that have the "least" of this world's attractions. I can see why Jesus loved the poor. I can see why they were drawn to Him while he sojourned here on earth in a so-limited physical body (yet still filled with Your Spirit).

Maybe it's true that we have to be like little children. That the least on earth are the greatest in Your kingdom, because they are indeed humble and have had to learn to trust You completely, to lean on You fully.

Maybe I am fortunate in a way to have had that childhood training in "being humble" and avoiding anything that would make me "proud." It so often feels like an "albatross hanging around my neck." And yet ... I am attracted to being praised and glorified and admired. To be approved of and accepted and embraced. And it is terribly easy to be distracted by those moments. To want to be a "little god" even if the footlights are flickering at best but always just strong enough to keep my eyes drawn downward to the cheering crowds (and to my self-adulation and pride ... and to the enemy who really does dress himself as "light") instead of lifting my eyes to the promise of Your glorious, eternal, perfect light waiting just over the hilltop for the Son-Rise that is so near, that is available even now within my spirit if I welcome Your Spirit in, and let go the so-limited, so temporary and flickering floor-level lights drawing my eyes and heart down to the tinsel promises of earthly glory ... which will be burnt up along with the dead branches and broken ornaments of the momentary sparkle of the Christmas tree moments of our existence.

You'd think we'd be able to recognize those moments as promises, as glimmers, of the eternal glory You offer. Yet our eyes and hearts seem most apt to become glued to the Christmas tree, the symbol, instead of being drawn upwards to the star at the top of the tree ... and beyond, to You, where the star is pointing. Why do we worship the tree, which starts drying up and dying the moment it is "born" by being cut from its roots, instead of seeking out You, the root, the source, the very Life of our existence and the only promise of Life eternal?

It is the poor ... in wealth, power, health, spirit, in all things this world offers, who are blessed because they understand that You are the only true choice.

Listening for Your voice is hard for me in the clatter of this world. I find it so much easier to listen to the voices of TV, radio, internet, books. The distractions. Sometimes the voices of friends and family too. I don't like the silence of those tossing and turning hours when I wake at night. I don't like moments of deep quiet, of peace. It's like I want them filled in, filled up ... no matter how inane, repetitive, even ridiculous the words are that I turn on with the flick of a switch to block out the quietness. Oh dear God, please help me accept the quiet moments. To long for them. To sit patiently and wait ... for Your voice. For You. Please.