Little White Lies

(originally journaled April 3 2014)

Father, I feel sick. Feeling bad because the next door neighbour told me it wasn't neighborly (and he's right) to trim his tree on my side of the fence without asking him first (though it is legal).  I told him we mentioned it long ago, but he says he doesn't remember. The thing is, I don't remember either... though L says I did ... the thing is, I should have told/asked the guy... and I should not say things that are untrue or even that I'm not sure of. This is a big problem that I have--telling untruths--even if they have some truth to them (which I can't even be sure of in this case!)--to cover my butt!

O dear God, please help me have the courage to tell the truth. All my life, pretty much, I've been concocting little half-truths and little lies to cover myself when people accuse me or when I think I'm in trouble. And I tell myself they're just "little white lies." But there is no such thing. Lies are lies. Maybe it was because there were so many "rules" growing up--and so much fear of getting caught: spankings, other punishments, shame, "sin."  Getting "caught"--even for things I did not do--was not acceptable to me. Better to stretch the truth--even lie. Ha! Wrong. But it sure seemed safer at the time. And still does. Yes, it's a long-time bad habit. But it also still comes from fear. And instills guilt and feeling sick.

Okay, so in this instance, guilt is good because it's pointing me to sort this out with You. Please forgive me. And please help me work this out with the neighbor. Your way (and Your courage). (Doing right is not always easy! Often it isn't...) (You know!)

How is it that I fear the anger, disgust, disapproval of the world so much? Why can't I seem to get it into my mind and heart and being that You are infinitely more precious and worthy and awesome--and that You love me! Help me, please!