my church journey

More about that Mason's post

2011-10-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote a post that was partly about a gathering of the church where a person talked about his past involvement in the Masons. After I wrote the post, a friend emailed me, concerned that readers might think I was encouraging Masonry (and concerned for me spiritually - and I do appreciate her care!). No, that was not my intent at all. Masonry has many "religious" aspects, of that there is no doubt. But it is not a Christian church, nor is it a Christian organization. To be honest, I have serious concerns about earthly organizations (and a lot of other things) that label themselves "Christian" ... but that is another topic for another day.

In this post I want to try and make clear what I was trying to say in yesterday's post - not that anyone there was supporting Masonry, or being drawn into it, but that they were willing to listen to the man and his experiences of trying to seek God in a particular way, and then to lovingly point out where that way differs from the gospel.

The reason I wrote about the gathering was that I was impressed to see a group of believers who were willing to listen to a brother express ideas that obviously were important to, or accepted by, himself, without immediately jumping on him in a judgmental, condemnatory style. They asked questions in order to more clearly understand what he was saying. Then they gently, but firmly, addressed the problems they saw, steering the conversation to turn from beliefs that do not line up with the truth of the gospel, to what Christianity really believes, and to Jesus, who is the real Truth himself. This led to him asking them questions about the gospel, which they explained in more detail.

One thing I didn't mention in yesterday's post, which I have realized as I've thought more about this, is that in many traditional church settings, where there are large numbers of people, many of whom may not be mature believers, or may not be believers at all, this kind of conversation would be difficult, if not impossible. Even the front-facing, single-person led aspect of most church gatherings goes against such openness.

In this small group (a couple of the adults took the children to another room while this conversation went on), it was possible for people to openly discuss ideas, and there were some very mature believers who were really able to teach and point to Jesus. Because the group had just spent a good hour or more eating together, and getting to know each other more, and because they are all believers (so far as I know), all at different places in the journey but with no one claiming to be somehow spiritually "superior," there was an atmosphere of caring and a sense of freedom to be honest, without fear.

There are those in the group who are recognized as having the maturity and understanding, and the caring and lifestyle, of elders, and they did bring needed teaching into the conversation, but everyone was free to ask questions and to participate. The teaching was done naturally and with care, in the course of the conversation, and of course referring to scripture. Indeed, if anything, it was a time of discipling, meeting a brother at his place of understanding, and lovingly bringing him farther into the light of the gospel. In fact, by learning what other people believe, including those, like the Masons, who claim to some kind of "Christian" basis, and then comparing it to what scripture clearly tells us about the gospel, I am sure we all were strengthened in our faith. I know I was.

There was no fear of being "closed down" or "bashed" for what one said. I have had so many experiences in my own past where showing any doubt or questioning was sure to bring quick judgement. And so often, the vast majority of people in a church gathering, even if there is opportunity given to ask a question or make a comment (which is generally very unusual), do not feel safe to say anything or ask anything because there is a strong sense that only the "educated" few know enough. There's this fear, "What if I say something and it turns out to be wrong? ... And anyway, I don't know enough!" What has happened to the gospel that is so simple a little child can understand it? Why don't we believe Jesus when He says to bring the children to Him, and not forbid them - for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

To me, allowing that man to talk about how he had been seeking God through the rituals of the Masons, was really not different than Jesus when he talked to the Samaritan woman at the well. She had a little bit of the truth, but she also had lots of error mixed up in it. Jesus could have said, "How dare you even open your mouth! Not only do you have really screwed-up doctrine, but look at you! You're a mixed-breed Samaritan, the worst kind of pagan. And you're an uneducated woman of ill-repute! Even your own people won't hang out with you!" Or he could have turned his face from her and totally ignored her, refusing to have anything to do with her and her tainted condition.

But no, he starts from where she was. He starts from her physical need - water. He starts from her social and emotional needs - acceptance and love. And he starts from where she is spiritually, from the little she knows of God. He sees that she is truly seeking God from her heart. He sees her thirst for the truth. Yes, He points out where she is at, in her beliefs, and in her lifestyle, but He doesn't do in a condemnatory way. Instead, He shows her that there is an answer to her all her needs - and He introduces her to the Answer - Himself, the Living Water.

Fibonnacci's number and the Masons and being the church

2011-10-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

So today I went to this little gathering of the church at a friend's house.   We had an amazing pot-luck brunch and great conversation. Maybe 10 adults or so, and half a dozen kids.

(note: I've edited the following paragraph, because I realized that in making it so long, it could appear that I was supporting the Masons, which wasn't my point in writing this. If you want to know more about why I wrote about this, see tomorrow's post!)

Later on, one of the men told us about the Masons. Well sort of. He's a non-practicing Mason, I guess you'd say, though he was a "master" in the past. Actually, mostly he told us about the beauty of mathematics. Things like Fibonnacci's number and how it turns up all over the place in nature.   Pretty amazing stuff; sure makes you appreciate the order in the universe and the One who created it.   He talked about how discussion of religion is a "no-no" topic at the Masonic Lodge but how there's this "God" thing running through it all. He said that's what attracted him to it. I think he was seeking God, and he felt like he was finding Him there, in those underlying currents. He also said he was brought up Catholic, and he could relate to the use of ritual in seeking God.

See, this is NOT something I ever expected to hear discussed about with the church.   After his talk,
he let us ask questions. Like what about all those secrets? And a lot of other questions. About the Masons. Asked at church.

And nobody freaked out. Or got up and walked out. Nobody seemed to feel threatened. The conversation was friendly, open, honest.
And with the questions, the conversation got around to our freedom in Christ, and how we've been freed from ritual. And how truth is a Person, not an end-point you arrive at by going through a lot of levels - or a lot of good deeds, or anything else you might do to "arrive." And how we are one in Christ, and there aren't some people who are "holier" than others. And how He is the Head. And we all have access to ultimate truth because we all have access to Him. (And I'm thinking to myself afterwards - in Him the greatest secret, God's eternal mystery, has already been revealed! How awesome is that!)

And this past-Mason guy was listening intently to that whole conversation. And asking his own questions about what he was hearing. Hearing the gospel clearly.

So after awhile, this conversation led to someone telling us about a friend, an MAF pilot, who just died this past week in a plane crash, and left behind a wife and some children, too. And how even in the family's shock and grief, there was joy because he had been walking and working with Jesus, doing what Jesus had for him to do. And then that led to other folks bringing up needs they had on their hearts, and that led to a really natural and communal prayer time.

And discussion about what do you do about elders in your family who really need to be in care, but don't want to go there... and it turns out that almost everyone there is in the midst of that situation. So there was lots of conversation around that, and it was awesome to realize we aren't alone in these kinds of things. That others are going through them too. That it's okay to say that you feel frustrated or angry or whatever. And then we can encourage each other. And find ways to help and support each other.

And it came up that the people whose home is usually used for the Sunday gathering would be gone next Sunday (being Canadian Thanksgiving holiday weekend and all), and nobody seemed worried about there not being the usual gathering at the usual place.

Maybe someone will volunteer their place before next Sunday, and let people know, but if they don't it's not a big deal, so far as I can see, because these folks get together in lots of different ways during the week anyway, so a "Sunday service" missed (on Thanksgiving Sunday! imagine that!) didn't seem to be a huge concern :-)

And then everybody started chatting with each other. Some wandered into the kitchen. Some hung out in the dining room. Some still in the living room. Some had to leave, but they didn't get out the door without caring good-byes.

Church :-)

I like it!

Church life 7 days a week including at wedding receptions!

2011-09-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

Today I was at a wedding reception. The couple at the table across from me, and the lady sitting next to me, mentioned that they meet with a few other believers in a home gathering.

When I asked them what that looked like, they said that they get together Sunday mornings for brunch (to which they all contribute) and then they spend time together, adults and kids alike.

Someone might bring a little message, or they might do a study together, or have a discussion. They talk about life with Jesus. they pray. On occasion they sing. They share about needs they can
help others with.

During the week they get together to go and help out with those needs. And they get involved, individually or together, serving in the community with other believers. Like helping out at the street
ministry and such.

Sounds like church life - Jesus life, Kingdom life - for them is a 7 day a week thing. A lifestyle that does include a small group of believers who gather on Sundays to eat together and learn and pray. But also reaches out the rest of the week into the community, serving the needs of believers
and nonbelievers with the love of Jesus. And includes doing that serving with other believers, not just with their own little bunch.

That sounds like church to me :-) As Josh puts it in his post, "church-life-more-than-a-meeting" :

Church life, you see, is togetherness. It is sharing life together under the headship of Jesus Christ. It is not virtual or theoretical, it is practical, in-your-face community living.
Even the first "meetings" of the church in Jerusalem could hardly be called meetings, at least not in any formal sense. What they appear to have been more than anything else was just a bunch of wide-eyed saints spending a lot of time together in their homes eating meals, singing songs, sharing prayers, and talking joyfully about their newfound experience with the Lord Jesus Christ...
This drawing together, this instinct for fellowship, is proof to the world that we are His, and it is proof of one other thing as well: The church is more than a meeting!

That sounds like these folk's description of the church (and yes, church is the word they used) that they gather with.

Eric Carpenter talks about this kind of living out the Christian life in his post, "Sunday to Sunday." He says:

Sunday becomes dangerous when we place too much emphasis upon our
gathering. The danger occurs when Sunday becomes "when we do church"
or "when we are the church" to the exclusion of other days....
Jesus Christ never told us to take a day off and wait for Sunday to
be spiritual.

Eric encourages us to contact and fellowship with our church family other days of the week. He recommends coffee shops, but the folks I met at the wedding reception today were doing that right there! And in the process, without even trying, drawing the others sitting at the table into the conversation, answering their questions, sharing their love of Jesus!

Eric also suggests we can occasionally skip the Sunday gathering and trust the church family to get along without us; and we can even meet as a church family on a different day of the week. He also
encourages us to pray for opportunities to be servants every day, and follow those opportunities the Lord gives us. Which these folks obviously do.

So I think I'll go spend some time with this gathering of the church in my community. Maybe Father had me sit across from these folks at the reception for a reason. I've been asking Him to show me how He wants me to walk with Him, after all. And with His family. Maybe He brought us together
today on purpose. :-)

(Come to think of it, wasn't it at a wedding reception that Jesus began modeling the kingdom, demonstrating the ekklesia, with His disciples?)

Checking in on what Jesus is doing

2011-09-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

Very often folks who check out of the institutional church find themselves on a long winding road.

They might already have formed an idea of what the destination will look for, and they are constantly peering down side roads they pass, hoping to find what they are expecting. Or perhaps they really don't know what the destination will look like, but they're willing to try out whatever neon signs flash most attractively along the way.

Either way, they pull up hopefully, here and there, take a look, and sometimes even check in for awhile, but end up being disappointed. So back they go onto the road, wondering if they'll ever get there, and be able to check out of the wilderness.

And yes, I've been in that situation myself. For far too long.

But now I'm realizing that checking out of the wilderness means getting back on the road and traveling with Jesus. And checking what He (and His Father and Spirit) is doing.

Staying on the road. Forgetting about my search for the destination. And discovering that, when we travel with God, the journey is the destination with Him is what we've been seeking. And when we see it that way, we realize it isn't a wilderness after all, but the richest, most fulfilling LIFE - more than we could ever have imagined ourselves. His Life!

Jesus said something like that, didn't He? In Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message), we hear these words:

"Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest.
Walk with me and work with me — watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

It's how Jesus walked with His Father when He was here on earth in the 1st century AD. He listened to His Father's words and then repeated them to others. He looked to see what His Father was doing in people's hearts, and then joined in with His Father. He truly lived with the Spirit of God every moment. He prayed and sought God's guidance - and He didn't do anything unless He had that guidance.

Jesus set an example for His disciples. That means us too. That's how we are supposed to live. That's what it means for us to be His disciples. We, the church, are meant to live that way, His way. That's what it means, isn't it, to be the church, to live in the Kingdom of God? To have one head, one leader, and to be united in Him. Right?

Then why, as Dan Edelen asks at cereleumsanctum,

Why then do we not do this? Why do we charge ahead and waste time on works that God is not in? ...
Jesus didn’t see what the Father is doing by any means other than a deep prayer life and listening to the Holy Spirit. You can’t fake that, though, and expect to see what the Father is doing.

Why not, indeed? It's time to stop looking for destinations that I or others have imagined or created. Time to get onto the road with Jesus, walk with Him, work with Him. Really be open to hear Him, see Him. Follow Him. Like He showed us.

Time to start. Check out of me, check out of my "destinations," and check into His journey, His way. Into Him! Now.

Please, dear Jesus. Help me to really see You, hear You, know You. To be a disciple of You. As you were of Father. Please. Thank You. Amen.

Getting over that wilderness feeling

2011-09-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

In the last few posts here, we've been thinking about different aspects of that "wilderness feeling" we sometimes get when we've stepped away from institutional church and are seeking to follow Jesus as the very center of our walk. Today I just want to share with you some quotes from other bloggers that have really helped me personally as I've sometimes struggled with "that wilderness feeling" myself.

Jeff McQuillan, in his post, "Tribe" at communitas collective, points out that the need for community isn't just about Christ-followers. He believes that it is a need inherent in all of mankind;

At heart, we are tribal, and we are looking for our tribe. We are looking for that place where we belong.

I agree with Jeff. Because we are created by a God whose very being is wrapped up in community, whose character IS LOVE, as creatures in His image, it is also inherent in our character to love and be loved. Even though mankind is "fallen," we still need and seek community - and the only way that longing will be fulfilled is to find our way back to community with our Creator and with His children whom He created for community with Him. We are meant to be part of a "tribe" - a particular people living in a community and family whose Head and center is Jesus Christ.

In some ways, institutional church does provide a sense of community. In fact, true community, centered in Christ, can be found in traditional churches, but so often the structures and systems that have been built around the church of Christ actually interfere with the community in which we are meant to live as God's family. So many believers are seeking to be part of a local church community that has moved away from those structures and systems (well-meaning as those things are often meant to be), to seek out church that is Christ-indwelled. And often, for a time, they find themselves with that "wilderness feeling" as they move out to seek to follow Jesus and be one with Him and His body.

Here are Jeff's encouraging words of hope, even as he still finds himself at that "wilderness place" in his journey:

And so I do not believe it should be the ultimate goal for people to exit organized Chrisitianity just to wander the wilderness alone forever. It’s where I am now, and it’s how I feel–and it aches–but I know one day I will once again find my tribe.

Erin, in her post "A Hole In My Heart," also at communitas collective, talks about some of the ways "God has soothed my fears about lacking relationships in this new, unchurched place I now live." These ways include, for Erin, the following:

meeting people from all over the world and building some true friendships through her blog
meeting new friends in her community in various ways: her children moved to public school, and there she met parents of other children; joining a relay team; and inviting her son's friends to hang out in their home to play video games, be fed, and feel accepted.

Moving out of the safe little community of their church was a shock for Erin at first, and she felt very alone; as she says, it left "a hole in my heart." But as Erin opened herself to be led by God into the community around her, she began to see the real world out there as Jesus sees it, and to realize that walking with Christ leads to a new and more real community. She writes:

Poverty, racial tension, gangs and lack of hope for the future are central parts of the lives of many of the children and teenagers in our community. I am not naïve; I know that as a white-middle-class family we have a wall to break down. I’ve already seen it and know what we face. But I can’t help but also know that a small positive contribution to the life of any one of these individuals could be the thing that sticks with them; that one day is a catalyst for change in their life.

I hate to say it, but for me, there is far more community out in the real world than there is inside a church. We live among with real, diverse, and human people; not cookie cutters of morality and belief.

I believe my role in life isn’t to spend time discussing the same things with the same like-minded people, or to serve a community that serves me back. I believe my role is to make whatever small contributions I can to whichever lives cross my path, one day at a time. I do believe I find God there among the suffering and the grief and the laughter and the insanity of a broad, deep, diverse and imperfect people.

And there no longer exists a hole in my heart.

Josh, in his blog post, "Church Life More Than a Meeting," also encourages us when we experience that "wilderness feeling." He reminds us that the wilderness time can be a positive time of isolation, in which we experience heart-healing, we unlearn many things, and Christ reveals Himself within the believer in a very personal way.

He also reminds us what it is that we are truly longing for - that "tribe" that we were created to be a part of. Josh writes:

It is truly a wonderful thing to experience life together in the Body of Christ not once, not twice, but seven days a week!

Church life, you see, is togetherness. It is sharing life together under the headship of Jesus Christ. It is not virtual or theoretical, it is practical, in-your-face community living.

Yes, you say, I know that. But how do I get there? Here's Josh's advice, and I think it is something we need to really focus on:

So no matter what difficulty I (or you) may be faced with, we have to take this before the Lord, travail before Him over it, and settle for nothing less than that the Lord might raise up a true expression of the church in our locality.

And for those who are still hanging onto systems and programs, Josh also has this to say:

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Shut down the meetings for a while and see how much time the saints still spend together. This will give you a pretty good idea of how much true church life is going on. If Christ is really our life and we are indeed being built together as His House then we won't be able to stay away from each other. This drawing together, this instinct for fellowship, is proof to the world that we are His, and it is proof of one other thing as well: The church is more than a meeting!

All these blog posts I've quoted have been helpful to me when I've had that "wilderness feeling." But one post, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" by Bobby Auner, really has pulled it together for me, because in this post he centers on what we are really looking for - and how it will really come to pass:

I walked out on institutional christianity for one main reason. I wanted a deeper knowledge and intimacy with Jesus Christ.

I continued reading scripture and praying. I also began to study books and scripture to see if I could find the missing pieces. What I found was that the church gatherings I had been a part of were nothing like the picture of the 1st Century church in the New Testament.

So what is it I am looking for? If I am not complete with the status quo of the Christian masses and I am also not satisfied with a simple/house church gathering that looks more like the New Testament Church, what more is there? Where do I go from here? Starbucks? The golf course?

I am convinced that what I am looking for will not be found in an institutional church and many simple/house churches are only focused on the proper form and pattern of church to bring out desired effects. What we are looking for is people who are feasting on Christ and living by His life in the Spirit. When we have that the forms and patterns will follow.

As Paul wrote letters to the Churches he had planted he did not give them special instructions on how to "do church". We do not have a prescriptive blueprint for what a gathering of saints should look like. What we have is a constant effort to keep everyone focused on Christ. It is this Christ-centered living that results in the church we have described for us in the NT. I'm afraid that when we put forms and patterns first we have the cart before the horse. Worse, we have abandoned Christ for our own schemes.

What draws me is Christ and his depths and riches are unfathomable for me but together we can plummet into His depths. First we must give up all our efforts to build the right church and seek oneness with the Spirit within. He will build His Church as we are One with Him. May we consume and be consumed by our risen Lord and seek daily the bread that comes down from heaven. Then and only then will we be satisfied.

What do you think? Are you still suffering from that "wilderness feeling"? Is it time to move beyond it? How does that happen? By a "form" of church we design? Or by constantly focusing on Christ-centered life? Read that last paragraph again!

(And if you haven't yet listened to the "Epic Jesus: The Christ You Never Knew" podcast with Frank Viola yet, I urge you to do so today. If you find listening difficult, email me at norma.hill@yahoo.ca and I'll send you the notes I took when I listened to it!)

Would going back to institutional church solve this loneliness?

2011-09-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

Would going back to institutional church solve this loneliness?

I'm pretty sure that everyone who has moved out of the institutional (legacy, traditional) church system has asked themselves at least once, "Should I go back?" It might be only a fleeting thought, or it might be something you have seriously considered, or even done.

There are lots of reasons you might consider going back. There are all your friends back there, some of whom are still your friends, but many others no longer are. Maybe they were just "friends" because you happened to be doing the more-or-less same thing. Or maybe they really were friends, but the step you've taken has shaken them, and they don't understand, or may even believe you are doing something heretical. Maybe you miss the communual worship music, or some other aspect of the institutional church that you really did enjoy.

Maybe it seems to be taking a long time to find other believers who really want to walk centered in Jesus, and you're feeling awfully alone. Maybe you miss the perks of being useful and recognized by
others. Maybe you feel you've been alone in a wilderness for a long time, and you are getting more and more discouraged and lonely. Maybe you just miss those delicious after-church fellowship potlucks!

Whatever your reasons, maybe you have indeed asked yourself, "Would going back to institutional church solve my feelings of loneliness?"

I read a post awhile back, "loneliness and the journey," by Wayne Jacobsen, that has really helped me to realize that the only real solution to any of my "problems" related to "church" lies in my
relationship to Father, as His Son lives in me and His Spirit reveals Jesus to me. God - Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit - loves me (and you!) completely and He is working out His eternal purposes in each of His children, individually and together as His church, His family.

Wayne puts it far better than I can, so let's hear what he says:

Sorry you’re having some difficulty finding some folks to travel with. And believe me, I know how lonely it can feel. But fellowship is not to fill our loneliness. That ultimately can only be swallowed up by a loving Father as he continues to makes himself known to you and shows you how to follow him. He knows the fellowship you desire and he will bring it into your life as you simply begin to love the people God has already put around you. They may not even be believers yet, but as you simply grow in learning to care about them and recognize those God’s wants to give you a friendship with.

That doesn’t mean you can’t try out fellowships, or look on line for others from your area. All of those can be helpful in this process. You may even find some in a more traditional congregation. Not all congregations are harmful. There are some out there who help people get to know Jesus and provide some wonderful relationships. Let him
lead you and try not to be anxious. Sometimes it is better to go it alone with Jesus for a bit and learn to live in him rather than try to do that in a religious setting that trades in guilt and performance.

But be assured of this, Father knows the fellowship that he wants to bring into your life. Look where you can, but beyond your own abilities, know that he is at work. Right now I suspect God wants you to learn dependence in him so when others come along, you can find the friendships that trust in him allows as people encourage each other to live loved. It is a process. I know this isn’t the easiest part, but as you get through this season you’ll find it well worth it...

...it is a journey. These things work out in time as we simply live inside the love he has for us and learn to love others around us in the process.

I'm also realizing more and more that what I really need is "Christ in me." That what we as a church need is Christ in us, as our true Head. Being the church isn't about principles, or programs, or
systems, or even "looking like the New Testament church." It's about Jesus living in us, in me and in you. It's about Jesus indwelling us. It's about living by Jesus, the tree of Life.

Recently, Frank Viola gave a message at the 2011 Momentum Conference, "Epic Jesus: The Christ You Never Knew." If you have not heard this message yet, I urge you to listen to it by podcast now. Today. If you find podcasts difficult to listen to, I have made extensive notes of his talk, and would be happy to send them to you (email me at norma.hill@yahoo.ca and ask for the "Epic Jesus" notes). It is an amazing message, and you will meet a Jesus you quite possibly have never truly known. A Jesus that you will want to know.

Here are a few notes from the concluding remarks of the message:

How did Jesus live his peerless life?

"What I hear the Father say, that's what I say. What the Father judges, that's what I judge. It's not I that does the works; it's the Father that does the works through me. As the living Father has sent Me, and I live by the Father, so he who partakes of Me shall
live by Me. I can do nothing apart from My Father. And you can do nothing apart from Me."

Jesus lived by an indwelling Father, but the passage has moved. As the Father was to Jesus Christ, so Jesus Christ is to you. He's our indwelling God.

Definition of an organic church: It is a group of people who are learning how to live by the indwelling life of Christ together. And they are sharing that life together and they are displaying that life together. Watch what Jesus is doing through me, through you, through us.

You can live by the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, or you can live by the tree of Life. And we are called to do that with other believers in the Kingdom of God. That's when the Kingdom of God is manifested.

May God raise up men and women who are humble enough to learn what it means to live by the indwelling life of Christ and are bold enough to proclaim the insearchable riches of Christ to others.

"That which was from the beginning, that which we have seen with our eyes, heard with our eyes, and handled - this Life we proclaim to you so that you might have fellowship with us, and we have fellowship with the Father and with the Son." Amen.

maybe I've been hiding

2011-09-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

Here's another possibility regarding this "being in the wilderness" feeling. Perhaps it isn't just a transition between the familiarity and security of the institutional church, and the move into the ... well, into what???

That's a good question. What comes after the institutional church? Maybe you've read a book or heard stories of how wonderful it is to be part of the "New Testament church." Maybe you've just bailed out of where you were, but have no idea what happens next.

Maybe you found a little group, a little gathering, that seemed to you (at first, anyway) to function like those wonderful descriptions of the early church in Acts. But maybe it didn't take long before your expectations were crushed and disappointment crept in; and maybe you're wondering if it can be "fixed" or if you should look elsewhere or if there's a "real New Testament church" anywhere. Maybe it's safer to just stay in the wilderness. Hidden.

Maybe you live in a town where it seems that all believers, all the ones you've met anyway, are content with the traditional status quo, and you are pretty sure you really are alone. (And maybe it seems like it's easier to hide away, away from their questions, and their judgements. Because you really feel like finding real church is going to be impossible.)

Maybe you've heard rumours that there's a little group out there gathering and focusing on living together centered in the headship of Christ, but you don't know how to contact them, or you're shy ... or afraid. Afraid that once again, "church" might not work out. Afraid that maybe you'll be rejected. Afraid that you'll be asked to accept some doctrine or theology you're not comfortable with - or that they will be opposed to what you believe. Afraid that hidden behind their apparent loving community there might still be human control and authority and that it might just end up being "going to church at home." (So maybe it's safer to just stay put in your little wilderness cave, right?)

Maybe some part of your heart is still back there in the group you left; maybe you miss people, or the particular "worship" form, or the "security" or whatever. Or...

Maybe some part of your heart is elsewhere. Maybe you're still clinging to some "idols" in your life. Maybe you're preoccupied with some favored activity in your life. Maybe you're longing for some thing you believe will make you happy. Maybe something in your life already gives you a lot of happiness and you're afraid you'll have to give it up.

When it comes down to it, maybe you are actually afraid that you'll be required to give all of your heart to Jesus. (Aren't we all afraid of that? I know I am. Sometimes I'm sure I've given it all over - and then He gently points out another thing I'm holding back. So maybe I'm afraid of that, too. Because maybe I'm afraid that His gentle requests hide disapproval now and judgement down the line. Isn't that a "lesson" I learned a long time ago? I "know" it isn't true, but sometimes maybe I'm still not convinced...)

Maybe you're wondering if you might be wrong after all, even heretical, and that you're sliding down a slippery slope. That maybe you really should go back to ... well, back to Egypt, maybe? Though you desperately don't want to. But... what if? (No, I just can't go back. But if I go forward, and I'm wrong, what then? I've been wrong so often. Haven't I? Haven't I?)

Maybe the idea of seven day a week togetherness, that sharing-community-life kind of living, is a bit overwhelming when you've been used to putting "church" into a safe compartment of your life. (And do I really want "those people" to truly be family? Living right here in my every single day life? With no safe cocoon to retreat to? Do I?)

Maybe the freedom Christ promises you in Him scares you. Maybe it doesn't sound very safe. Maybe you're afraid that the real Christ, the one that you've seen glimpses of in the New Testament and even in your own walk with Him, the Christ who is unfettered by the scaffolding that man has built around Him, maybe you're afraid He really isn't safe. Maybe you're afraid He'll ask you to go way beyond your comfort zone. (And probably you're right. Oh. Is He worth it? Is He?)

Maybe you left institutionalized Christianity with your heart deeply wounded, and while you know Jesus has been healing you, you're still afraid to step back into anything "church" again because your experience with that word brings pain just thinking about it. (Maybe "church" - even the "real church" - will hurt me again. Can I take that?)

It could even be that you've even actually been having an amazing personal journey with Jesus, just the two of you, and you really don't look forward to the idea of stepping out and sharing that journey with others. Maybe you're pretty sure that other folks would mess up your beautiful little safe space. You don't see it as a wilderness but as a beautiful little secret garden and you really don't want it invaded by others, and you also don't want to open the gate and step outside because you are pretty sure it is a jungle out there. (And even though you sense pretty strongly that Jesus is asking you to join Him out there, you're really not sure you want to go.)

Maybe any or all of these "maybe's" are keeping you (and yes, me) in the wilderness. Keeping us hiding out. Alone. Separated from the church, our family, our brothers and sisters in Christ. And because of that, separated in some sense from the fulness of Jesus Himself, because the family is in Him and He is in them. And it is only in being one with His family that we can be and have all that He wants for us in Him.

Are you in hiding? Am I in hiding? Are we holding ourselves back from all the potential He is offering us, wanting us to experience in Him and in His family? Holding ourselves back from our part in His Kingdom, from our inheritance as children of the King?

Perhaps the wilderness I feel I am in now, was, in the beginning, a necessary transitioning place where Father wanted to meet with me, to reveal Himself to me, to show me how much He loves me, to clear away all the scaffolding that was keeping me from meeting Him and knowing Him face to face.

But clearly, He doesn't intend for me to stay in the wilderness. The promised land is just ahead. The gates to the fulness of the Kingdom are wide open. My King and Lord and elder brother is standing there with His arms held wide open, begging me to come on in and take my place as His honored and beloved child.

So why am I hanging back here in the shadows? Why do I cling to the wilderness? Why don't I want to go all the way in? What am I hiding from? Are my reasons for hiding worth what I am giving up? Why won't I trust Him?

Why oh why don't I trust Him?

Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit ... I do want to trust You. I do want to stop hiding. I do want to walk wherever You take me. I do want to be part on Your family - on Your terms, whatever that means and however that works out. (Whether I "like" it or not. Oh dear).

No more hiding, Lord. (Please help me. Thank You).

(Oh, by the way... Here are a couple posts that have helped me see that I have been hiding. And that have encouraged me to leave behind my "safe" little hiding spot, barren wilderness though it be, and take Jesus hand, and take the hands of all my brothers and sisters whenever and however He chooses to bring them into my life. Walking together. In and through and by His love and His life.

"Coming out of the theological closet" by Kurt Willems at redletterchristians.

"Loneliness and the Journey" by Wayne Jacobsen at lifestream

"12 steps to identifying your functional saviors" at the thinklings

Thanks to all of you for these articles.

(Oh yes. And thank YOU, Lord. Most of all.)

Feeling like I'm not serving well?

2011-09-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

Another reason I've felt "in the wilderness" on my church journey is that I've worried that I'm not serving as well as I should. Why do I feel this way?

I suppose a lot of it goes back to my "going to church" days when I was super-involved in all the goings-on. At one time or another, and often all at once, I was a Sunday-school teacher, the nursery department coordinator, Women's Ministry Bible study leader, church janitor, church secretary, church treasurer, church camp counselor, church camp prayer leader, played piano and guitar with the church music ministry, led worship, led Children's Church, cooked and served for church potlucks, ran the cafe for the Saturday night youth ministry coffee house... and so on and so forth.

Naturally, most of the time I was patted on the back and praised for my wonderful servant heart. Of course there were a couple times there when someone was jealous of a "position" I held, and did all they could to get me out - out of the position, and even out of the church. And sometimes I was disappointed that it seemed like a lot of the time we were "preaching to the choir" and not reaching out much, and it seemed like there often was a lack of prayer and a lack of real spiritual growth. But overall, I felt pretty good about my serving!

And now ... I suppose I am still seeking that recognition and commendation to some degree. I have to admit that it's hard to leave that behind.

And it does feel kind of strange to be sort of floating around waiting to see what God leads me into, instead of having all kinds of "opportunities" right there desperately needing to be filled.

And, with my teaching background, in church and in public, Christian, and home school, I kind of miss those formal opportunities to teach with a more or less captive audience there to be enthralled with my wisdom, right?

And it was pretty convenient to have the church's "mission" set out right there, and never have to worry that you weren't doing enough serving. The churches I attended had goals and mission statements and all that sort of thing to keep us motivated. They also had statements of faith so you knew exactly where you stood on the finest points of doctrine, and if you didn't stand in the right spot, you knew enough to learn to toe the line, or you could of course find another church to go to (except when I lived in a small town with only one church, LOL).

Of course, I do notice some good things about this not serving well thing. For example, I'm not exhausted anymore. And no one is pressuring me to accept positions that they "just know the Lord is calling you to do" even if I have no sense of His calling at all in that area. And I have more time to go out and visit and help people in their homes and on the streets. (I always wondered why we didn't "go forth" more - but of course we had missionaries and evangelists and such for that, and we really were busy doing really important things for the church's mission, weren't we?)

Another good thing is that I've been surprised at how much I've learned from people who don't "appear" to be well educated or theologically savvy: being a learner and a walk-alongside-person instead of a teacher/ leader actually has its advantages. For example, when you're not the super busy, organized, well trained, leader-type person, other people like you better, and are more willing to be a real friend, and just see when you're needing them and come alongside and be helpful in real, practical, hands-on caring ways. (Like pastors must wish for, you know).

Another thing - when I was going to church, probably because I've always been a kind of "Jill of all trades, master of none" person, people were constantly telling me I had this gift or that - and insisting that I exercise it in whatever program they needed my help with. Sometimes I enjoyed it. Sometimes, I have to admit, I did NOT enjoy it.

And, sadly, at the end of all that I came to the point where I had no idea any more what my gift(s) really might be and wondered if I even had any at all. Maybe I really was just a "...master of none" person. At least now I'm not under pressure to perform any of my don't-know-if-I-have-them gifts, so I can just relax and enjoy whatever Father brings along for me to do with Him. Awesome!

One disadvantage, though, of not "going to church" like I used to is that I'm not under the same good, strong, motivational schedule of serving. I have to admit that because I had the church's schedule of meetings, it did motivate me to also have a schedule of morning devotions with Bible reading and prayer and journaling, and other such "serving the Lord" things at home. I mean, I was more disciplined then, you know?

Now, it seems like my self-discipline has evaporated. I mean, yes, I chat with Father off and on during the day and night (okay, sometimes more off than on, oh dear), and I am more aware of His Presence with me (I never feel "alone in the desert without God" like I used to). But shouldn't I be more formal about it? I have to say, there's something pretty wilderness about not having a formal schedule and checklist, and a long list of "shoulds." Those "shoulds" were pretty secure and comforting in their own way, uh huh.

Wow. I thought I only had a sentence or two to say about this. But it seems that I'm hearing a whole lot of things from Father as I write this post. But Lord, that wasn't the point of this exercise, don't you know? :-) Okay, yes, I admit I really do love You ignoring my schedules! Thank You! :-)

Anyway, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this "not serving well" thing. Recently, in a post called "Owner or Renter?" at the Beyond Church Walls blog, I read about how the blog post writer and a couple friends were having a conversation about the gifts God has placed in them. And, as the writer says, "One of the things that surfaced during our conversation was a grief and frustration about the level at which we had functioned while in the religious system versus how we felt we were using our gifts now." He goes on to talk about how "sharp, in tune, and on the ball" they were then, and how he has "become somewhat complacent and dull in many ways."

But then one of his friends pointed out a pretty profound analogy:

He pointed out that we had never truly taken ownership of our gifts and callings but had a renter’s mentality. See, when one rents a home he lives there with the landlord’s permission and can only do what the landlord allows him to do. He can’t freely paint rooms, put in new carpet, or redo the yard without consulting the landlord first. But on the flip side, the renter does not carry the heavy responsibilities of ownership. The renter doesn’t have to make any repairs, spend any money on upgrades, or concern himself with the resale value of the property. A renter gets the benefits of living in a home without the burdens and freedoms of home ownership. We realized that in the religious system we functioned in our gifts and callings as renters. It was our duty to function in them but we did not have the burden of ownership. That rested with the pastor. Our gifts and callings were submitted to the authority and vision of the pastor or other leaders the same way one submits to a landlord. The pastor decided how far we could go with the gifts and callings and although we did not have complete freedom to function according to all Father had placed in our hearts, we also were free from the responsibility of having to be self-motivated and sort out how Father wanted us to move forward. We functioned within the framework that was laid out before us and did not have to shoulder the responsibilities that come with fulfilling a calling God places on one’s life. It is one thing to be accountable to man, it is another thing to function out of a keen awareness of being accountable to God.

Amen! That's the point, isn't it? I get that. I've been a house renter myself for years, and now I've been a homeowner the past couple years. I really do get that picture. And I get how it applies to my whole "I feel like I'm not serving well" moaning and groaning. It's time to get over it. It's time to lift my eyes and see what God has done for me!

He has freed me from the pressure of being accountable to man. He has freed me from the pressure of being accountable to the institution's system. He has freed me to "function out of a keen awareness of being accountable to God." And it's a joy and pleasure to walk in that freedom because Jesus IS IN ME. It's not my heavy responsibility anymore. Isn't that awesome?!

No, I am not going to worry anymore about "not serving well." I'm just going to walk this walk with Jesus, and listen to His voice, and do whatever I see Him doing, say whatever I hear Him saying. Like He did with Father when He was here on earth with us as a man.

Yes! (And oh dear God, help me to never be tempted by the deceitful security and comfort that those shackles sometimes seem to offer. Help me keep my eyes on You and Your freedom. I just want to walk - and serve - with You!).

Question: What about you? Would you like to join me in "not serving well"? Let's do it together. The "not serving well" family. What do you think? :-)

Convincing others to join you in the adventure - or not

2011-09-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

In yesterday's post, we talked a bit about that "wilderness feeling" that many believers experience when they move out from the institutional church as they seek to more fully follow Jesus and to
BE the church rather than GO TO church or DO church. They are often very excited about the new possibilities, and look forward to being the church in the ways we see the New Testament
church in Acts and the epistles. They are eager to share their dreams with their Christian friends.

But their friends - even close family - frequently do not share their enthusiasm. In fact, those friends may turn away, not understanding why anyone would want to change the way things are, or may even be sure that traditional church practices are the right and best way.

What should you, as a Jesus-follower trying to follow Him more closely in a way that does not include many of the practices that have become an accepted way of doing church, do when other believers do not share your enthusiasm?

I know from my own experience that it is tempting to do everything you can think of to get others to join you in this wonderful adventure. You explain over and over the advantages. You point out
all the problems you've discovered about "pagan Christianity." You tell folks that they're really missing out on a truly close relationship with Jesus and others.

You drag them along to a house gathering or a coffee-shop gathering or whatever expression of the church you think is most like the New Testament picture. You drop in on them, or invite them out for coffee, or beg them to go out with you on the streets, or beg them to come over for a meal. You want them, after all, to see how the church is a 7 days a week joyous reality.

But when they get tired of listening to you, when they resent you suggesting that their version of church is lacking or that their relationship with Jesus is lacking, when they get tired of you hanging around and disturbing their lifestyle, it isn't long before they start avoiding you - or come right out and tell you to leave them alone.

And you feel alone. This great adventure is turning out to be a "lost in the wilderness alone" disappointment instead. What to do? You love your brothers and sisters in the Lord. You want them to experience God's love in a greater way. And let's face it, you don't like being alone. But you don't want to go back to the old ways. So what new ways can you think of to convince them to join you?

In a post, "How can I get my (husband, wife, congregation, friends, family, etc) to..." [embrace my journey and accomplish what I want], Wayne Jacobsen suggests that maybe it isn't our job to get
others to join us on our journey. Maybe we need to focus on living with Jesus ourselves, and ask God to help us love others better right where they are. Maybe we need to let God do what He wants to do in their lives, instead of trying to manipulate them into doing/being what we think is best and right.

Wayne says we are excited about the fresh relational journey we are on, discovering how to live loved, and finding the institutional approach we've been involved in to be counterproductive to the community we desire...

Our first thought is how do we get others to embrace our journey and help us accomplish what we want. As noble as it may be, this approach never ends well. The moment we are trying to get someone else to see what we see, we become a manipulator of their journey, rather than a friend alongside them.

It is an impossible task to get someone else to come on this journey. That isn’t your job and others will only resent you when you try. All you need to do is go on this journey and in the going let God make you a better lover of [others right where they're] at.

You can’t drive people into love, you can only invite them. And you can live with Jesus all seven days of the week whether they desire to or not. Changing them is not the goal. Living free [in Jesus, yourself,] will have far more impact on you and them!

Questions: What is your experience? Have you wanted to convince others to join you because you believe it will be wonderful for them too - or even as a way for you to get past that lonely place? If so, what have been the results? Or have you found another way to move ahead in the journey?
What (or Who?) is that way?

That wilderness feeling

2011-09-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

THAT WILDERNESS FEELING
Like many folks who have moved away from traditional/legacy/institutional church, I too freely admit to going through a rather long "wilderness" experience.

So many of my former "church family" just don't understand, and feel uncomfortable around me. In many cases, it has turned out that we really didn't have much real relationship outside the church services and programs. Also, because the last church I attended ended up closing due to many difficulties, there are folks who are hurt and just don't want to hang out with former fellow church members. And of course I have had my own emotional issues which have caused me to
kind of cocoon.

For quite a while I have been part of a different "form" of church family, that is, a street outreach ministry. (You can also read about it in the "pages" listed at the top of this blog). In the beginning, although it was less formal than traditional church, it still had many elements of "church life" with which I was familiar, like fairly frequent gatherings (Sunday morning breakfast gathering plus up to 4 or 5 morning coffee gatherings each week). The Sunday morning breakfast gathering very often included a fair amount of prayer, teaching, and discussion.

But over the past year or so, we've dropped the weekday coffee times (much to my disappointment), and the Sunday morning breakfast has mainly been breakfast and providing clothing and such. The "street pastor" has taken over the majority of the "prayer and counseling." Now he and his family are
taking an extended break, and the ministry is "on hold." Even the website, which I have been heavily involved with, I have been told to put "on hold." A friend and I still go out and visit with the street family, but we are asked not to call it part of the street ministry.

As you'll know from a post I wrote recently, this has all left me feeling very alone and even more "in the wilderness" than previously. But I am beginning to understand that I have probably been hanging
on to the old traditional ways more than I have realized. I am thinking now that Father is actually doing me a favour by weaning me away from these things I've hung onto, these familiar ways of "doing church" - which I know do get in the way of "being church." I am grateful for Father showing me this.

I am also grateful for posts that other wilderness travelers have written. It is good to know that I am not alone. There are other brothers and sisters out there who have had their sense of community shattered, who have lost friends and lost their comfortable and familiar social life, and are feeling unchurched and alone.

They too have discovered that so much of institutional Christianity has little to do with the church as the New Testament describes it, and little to do with true community and family centered in the love
of Jesus. Even though institutional church offers us a certain sort of parameters and structure, in which we have assigned roles and program-type "opportunities," they too have realized how constraining so many of those things are, how antithetical they are to the freedom in Christ which we are promised in scripture.

But like me, they too do not believe that we are meant to wander alone forever. And many of them are learning, as they find themselves so alone, to truly listen to the voice of the Spirit, to reach out - often in sheer desperation - to the God who has called us to truly be His children and family, to walk together in relationship with Him and with each other through the love and life of Jesus.

In the next few posts, I will talk about some of the aspects of this wilderness time, and what I - and others - believe Father has in mind for us as we walk this journey. One thing is certain - the
wilderness is not meant to be forever :-) Our wonderful loving Father has glorious things planned for all His children. But I'm thinking that sometimes we ourselves choose to stay in the wilderness far longer than we need to. (More on that next time).

If you'd like to read what some others have shared about this topic, I highly recommend the following posts that have been helpful and encouraging to me.

"A Hole in my Heart" posted by Erin at communitas collective

"Tribe" and "Imagining the Possibilities" posted by Jeff McQuilkin, also at communitas collective

Back and sharing some wisdom from the blogging family

2011-09-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was moaning about feeling lonely and cut off. Then it occurred to me that maybe I could find some answers and encouragement from the family on-line. Oh - and I also had a good chat with a brother here in the community - something I should have done sooner :-)

There was a time when I was an active blog reader and commenter. But in the past year I went through some issues that made it really difficult for me to interact through reading and writing.

However, I did try to keep an eye on some awesome blogs via Google Reader. Although I found it hard to focus on reading, and almost impossible to comment at the time, I did copy posts that I thought I would someday like to read and think about when I could focus more clearly. The time has come!

So yesterday I went through my saved posts and organized them into topics. Oh my goodness. I have fifty folders. And I also have 3 dozen articles saved that speak to the issues I raised in my post yesterday. :-)

Just reading through them has been a big help, but I also want to share what I've learned in case there are others out there who are facing some of the same issues I have mentioned, such as:

separation from church family members (for whatever reasons);
loneliness
missing the security and comfort that institutional forms of church offered but not wanting to go back there
feeling like you're in a wilderness
disappointment in seeing a close church family community seem to be drifting away from spiritual emphasis
longing to serve
feeling like the serving that you are doing right now is inadequate or ineffective or whatever.

I also will be linking to some of the posts that have been really helpful to me in sorting through these issues. I am so grateful to brothers and sisters who share their understanding and care and encouragement through their blogs. Sometimes it seems like past posts aren't of much use anymore. But there's always someone looking for answers or encouragement, and those musty archived articles suddenly come back to life and reach out once again bringing sunshine into people's lives.

Keep posted. I'm so delighted to be back!

feeling lonely and cut off

2011-09-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful sunny Sunday morning in mid-September. The skies are clear blue, and the weatherman promises a 30 C afternoon.

For the past 3 or 4 years, I've spent nearly every early Sunday morning (6 am and onward) downtown at the street ministry breakfast gathering. It's been the center of my church family. A few weeks ago the street pastor announced that he needs to take a break, and that the breakfasts will be cancelled until ... well until he is ready to return. In a few months, perhaps.

A friend and I are still going walkabout downtown on Tuesday morning, visiting with our street family members, sharing some breakfast-on-the-go goodies, that sort of thing. And I visit some of the street family at their places or where I happen to bump into them, from time to time.

And I still have "Wednesday soup and sandwiches" at my house. My Tuesday morning friend and some others drop in and we enjoy our time together. Very casual, often picnic-style in the back yard, no agenda or plan. Just trusting Father to lead the way He wants.

But my street family friends rarely if ever come. Perhaps because it's a long walking distance from where most of them live. Perhaps because they feel uncomfortable coming into my house, which is no doubt a bit more middle class than they're used to. That makes me feel kind of sad.

They used to drop by my place when we lived downtown, and it was bigger and fancier than our little townhouse now. On the other hand, it faced onto an alley rather than a tree--lined residential street. It's a odd thing, I think, how we classify people and places by their environment, without bothering to really check them out.

But I digress. I have to admit that I'm sometimes lonely. I really miss my downtown family. It's a long walk for me too. I got myself a bike and a bike trailer so it would be closer. I guess I should just get on it and go, right?

Of course I have my excuses. It's been hot and sunny, and the doctor says I'm to stay out of the sun, seeing as I have a history of melanoma. My hubby works nights on-call, and I'm needed at home to answer the phone when his work calls (he sleeps right through phones ringing :-) ). I have other things to do, like my blogs and tutoring and house keeping. And being available to babysit my beautiful grandbabies when I'm needed. And the street pastor worries about me, and tells me not to go on the streets by myself. Though it's never worried me. Still...

All my life, pretty near, Sunday was for church. Even when I really wasn't following God, and had to go hung-over and all - though there was a period of time in my 20s when mostly I just didn't go. But, as you'll know if you've explored this site at all, I haven't "gone to church" for several years. On the other hand, I had my street church family and for a long time that was mostly more "real church" than I'd known in the past.

Then about a year ago it seemed to start turning more and more into pretty much "just breakfast." I think the pastor still did a lot of counseling and caring, and I think the family appreciated us being there and all. But most of the prayer and discussion and all just kind of petered out. Maybe it was partly "my fault" because I was struggling with some pretty deep depression and for a long time could only go sporadically and mostly just sit there wrapped up in my own little space. And its taken a long time for me to move out of that space.

But now ... now I want to interact. To share. To care. To serve (beyond just preparing and serving food, and cutting hair, and such). Actually, that is serving, I suppose. But I want something more. I want to talk about Jesus. And talk to him together with others. And that just doesn't seem to be happening.

I feel cut off.

Called

2011-08-04T14:23:00.000-07:00

Over the past year, as I mentioned the other day, I've been in a kind of "wilderness" place ... or so it has seemed to me. I've felt as if I have not been "spiritual" enough, perhaps, both in "devotional" terms and in practical "doing" terms.

Did I just use four Christianese-jargon-type terms in two sentences? And put them in quotation marks, to top it off? Egad. Do forgive me, please! :-)

So anyway, Father has responded. Well, of course He has. He responds. Not as we expect, much of the time, but still. This time He used two blog posts by different people.

The first post reminded me that living like a Christian and being a Christian are two very different things. I know that, but somehow I seem to forget and get caught up in the "doing" - or at least in wanting to "do" when life's circumstances withdraw "doing" opportunities. So God has gently pointed out to me that when He removes "doing" opportunities, it could be He is really gifting me with space to "BE." Deeper relationship with Jesus arising out of times of solitude in which to hear from His Spirit.

Kurt Willems at Red Letter Christians puts it this way:

"I’m done with living like a Christian. I’m done serving the poor. I’m done going the extra mile.... I’m done visiting the sick.... I’m done loving my neighbor....

.... doing all these things won’t change the world. That’s because the world can’t be changed unless God changes me....

I want to BE, and in the process, become a different kind of follower of Jesus....

So, yes, I’m done with living like a Christian. I’m trading that in for living in a deeper relationship with Christ. I want to know Jesus. I want to hear Jesus. I want to be empowered by Jesus. Not simply in theory as I do the good things that he calls us to do, but as the natural outflow of intimacy with God. The former way “gets the job done.” The latter way changes the world."

The second post reminded me that I am not "called" to a particular ministry, or place, or job, or any of those other "callings" we often struggle so hard so discover. My "calling" is not something for me, individually, that I must seek out. As a believer, my calling is the calling of all believers. It is not something we have to discover, but something that IS - and that fits right in with the BE. Same verb! And the longing of the One whose name is I AM.

Sarah, at Emerging Mummy, says this:

"But we have been set apart already, by the very nature of our allegiance for the Kingdom.... we already know our calling.
And it's gorgeous and wide and meaningful and brave - right in the context and life that God has placed us.....
We are called to follow and love Jesus.
We are called to love mercy, to do justly and to walk humbly with our God.
We are called to the big nouns - like family and friendship and Church - and we are called to the big verbs - like forgiving, loving, serving, seeking, blessing. And we are often call to live out those enormous nouns and verbs in the smallest of places, making space for the Holy.
We are called to be the Image Bearers of God.
We are called to the poor and the fatherless, the widow and the hurting.
We are called to each other."
Yes. We are called TO BE with He who is I AM. That totally makes sense, doesn't it?

So okay. No fear!

Overcoming my fears

2011-08-01T15:51:00.000-07:00

Overcoming my fears? What fears, you ask?

Primarily, my fear that I have nothing worth saying. That there are so many great blogs out there, and so many bloggers with far more theological education, or much greater experience in church leadership, or - let's face it - just plain "better" spiritual lives.

I used to love to write about "my church journey" - and other aspects of my walk with God. But for some time now, I've felt like I'm in a wilderness place, with nothing to write. And yet, as you can tell with the hundreds of past posts on this blog (not to mention my website and other blogs), writing has been a lifelong passion. And writing about my spiritual journey was center - here at the blog, in my numerous journals, in newletters and magazines. But I've written almost nothing new for many months, other than the rare (limp) comment on other folks' blogs. And it's not just my writing on this blog that has "dried up."

I haven't played my guitar or piano or clarinet, or even sung, for so long I can't remember the last time. Years, at least 3 or 4, except for the odd moment. And yet there was a time when music, especially "worship" music (hymns and choruses and all) was a wonderful part of my life. Maybe a dangerously wonderful part, eh?

I have been reading my Bible only sporadically in the past many months, even with the hopeful motivation of a read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year plan. And yet there was a time when I eagerly soaked up the words of God pretty much every day.

My prayer life has changed too. The thing is, I still hear Father. I still sense His presence, in some ways more surely than ever before. I talk with him informally about all kinds of things. Sometimes we don't chat at all, at least not with words. Sometimes, its like we're just comfortable being together (and yes, sometimes I do get distracted, unfortunately. Sorry, Lord...). Astonishingly, my husband has even been praying with us. But when it comes to formal prayer (you know, "daily devotions" and such), it's been pretty much zero. Though yesterday I had a little chat with Father via my journal - the first time in a long while. It was nice. Not "deep" perhaps. But comforting, restful, leaning on Him, holding His hand, so to speak.

And then there's the whole "gathering with the church" thing. As anyone who's followed this blog in the past will remember, I was once a super-duper-involved-and-committed church member. At one time, when my kids were teens, I attended 3 services each Sunday at different churches that my various kids preferred. Then things changed, for a number of reasons. I realized, with great joy, that Father loves me! That Jesus loves me. That the Holy Spirit loves me. That I really am a beloved child of God.

I kind of fell into gathering with a group of Christians who mostly were living on or near the street level (you can read some of their stories on my street church pages). I loved the way they cared for each other, helped each other, shared with each other, even though most of them had so little to begin with. I loved our Sunday morning breakfasts, and our weekday morning coffee times. I loved our "church" conversations and study in the word, and prayer that happened so naturally.

We still do Sunday morning breakfasts, and I go out on the streets one or two mornings a week with a friend to share Father's love in whatever ways He shows us. I visit sometimes in their simple homes or in the hospital. But somehow, the natural gathering times seem to have dwindled. And while I talk with the folks at the breakfasts and on the streets and in homes, it seems like my voice has dried up too - at least my ability to say anything much that is "spiritual."

Hubby and I have opened our home every Wednesday evening for soup and sandwiches for whoever wants to drop in. I invite my street friends but few come. Maybe because it's too long a walk (although I offer to give them a ride). But others come, mostly folks who used to be enthusiastic church-goers, but aren't so much (or at all) anymore. Folks who kind of feel "lost" but don't know where to turn. Like me, I guess. Folks, a lot of them, who never really "fit in" to the church environment to begin with, perhaps? We do really enjoy our times together. Sometimes (occasionally) we have amazing times of prayer and discussion. Sometimes we just enjoy each other's company. For a few weeks we all cheered on our beloved Vancouver Canucks to that final fateful NHL final game.

(Is that church? If it is, why do we find it so hard to get together at other times? What about some kind of "real service?" Etc? ) (I've been longing, so much, for REAL fellowship with Jesus and His family.) (Whatever that means? Dear God?)

I have to say, at one time I had great dreams, high hopes, for the "alternatives" I saw (or perhaps hoped? envisioned? planned? oh dear...) Father leading me, out of the "traditional, institutional" church, and into daily gathering with brothers and sisters and Jesus. Maybe that's still coming. Or maybe what's coming is something I couldn't have "dreamed up" myself, at all. Maybe something much better. Something that is from Father, not me or anyone else, no matter how lovely some folks' ideas sound. Something that is truly centered on Jesus (how far, how very far, I still have to go in that department. Sorry again, Lord).

Maybe Father has just had to first "dry out" all the stuff in my life that I've pictured as "spiritual?" Maybe He's had to take away those things that I "loved," those things that I was "passionate about." Those things that, yes, I was proud about. Oh. I see. Thank You, Father. Sorry.

It's easy to say that "It's all about You." But hard for me to see when so much of it is still about me. And my wants.

(I suppose my fear of not having anything worth writing about, my fear that others write better, my fear that I'm not as smart or educated or experienced or ... spiritual ... I suppose those fears come out of my pride, too? Out of my "me?)

about penandpapermama!

2011-04-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

At http://penandpapermama.com/, my hub site, you will find an exciting variety of pages that give you an overview of my websites and blogs, and also provide information about ways I can help you out, as individuals, families, groups, or companies.

These pages include:

About Pen and Paper Mama: an introduction to me, norma j hill
Need help? Tutoring and Other Activities: Do you live or operate your business in the Penticton area (or perhaps elsewhere)? As an independent business person, I offer assistance in the following areas: Tutoring; Office/Business Assistant; Speaking Engagements, Classroom Presentations, and Workshops; and Child Care. Check out the "Need Help?" page for details.
Introductions to my various websites and blogs. Check out these introductory pages, then be sure to check out the sites that interest you, and of course sign up to follow them:
Conversations, Reflections, and Meditations (my original website, and accompanying blog)
My Church Journey blog
Penticton Pedestrian blog - photos and stories about beautiful Penticton BC
Another Chance Okanagan - website and blog about the Another Chance Street Ministry
The Hill Gang: website of stories and photos for family and close friends

Also at http://penandpapermama.com/, you will find a blog about Pen and Paper Mama's on-going activities and interests, information About Pen And Paper Mama, and Comments and Disclosures policies for my sites.

See you there!

thoughts on cultural identity (part 4)

2011-04-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

But times change. I grew up, moved away to university, moved again even farther away to my first teaching job, and married a young man in that community. We moved again, and again, and again, as the economy dictated, and as my husband's cultural roots keep drawing him back to his islands. In these various communities there were not any of my childhood denomination's churches, and we moved through an amazing variety of denominations with a sometimes dizzying variety of "doctrinal distinctives" and a variety of worship styles and rituals. Some of those differences would have severely rattled a lot of folks, I'm sure, but I managed fine since the "culture" of "big tent evangelicalism" covered them all to some degree (some less than others, of course).

Sometimes I look back and wonder if the church culture was more important than the belief system. Of course, belief system was part of the culture, come to think of it. System, denomination, institution... They all fit in there, didn't they?

Now as anyone who has read some of my ramblings on this blog will attest, in the past few years I've been increasingly drawn out of the comfort and identity of church culture. Even the street ministry I gather with these days has been less churchy lately, it seems. Though, I'm pretty sure, not less Jesus-focused. Hmmm... Maybe more Jesus-focused, with the demise of the programming that for a time tried to seep in? Interesting...

Consequently, I've been feeling culture-less again. More. It is hard enough not having an "ethic" culture to identify with - a struggle that increased when I married a First Nations man, and watched the regrowth of his people's pride of culture, and their increasing relationship with God in ways that involve some of those cultural ways. At the same time, I've experienced the loss of other personal identifiers - other "cultures" that took the place, in my life, of an ethnic cultural identity and pride that seemed not to exist. Like the church culture I have already described. And the "family disease" in which parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and siblings, nephews and nieces, have almost all been public school teachers. Somewhere along the line, though, I became increasingly disillusioned with the educational system. I tried alternatives like teaching at a Christian School, and home-schooling (very eclectically). Then a planned move ended my last teaching job. And I haven't gone back. And at the same time, my parents died, and my five close-in-age children grew up and moved out and started families of their own. So much for my teacher identity, and my mommy identity.

Now what?

(continued....)

thoughts on cultural identity (part 3)

2011-04-05T12:37:00.000-07:00

Our church cultural identity included enthusiastic congregational singing, accompanied on piano. All well-raised girls took piano lessons, of course. As my parents explained when I wanted to take art lessons instead, "Christians don't need to be artists. But they do need to be musical." So I spent many tone-deaf years learning to play piano and clarinet, and being part of the church youth group "musicals." Sadly, in the latter I was given "speaking" parts, as my natural musical-ness didn't measure up for singing. It was a great personal tragedy, and in reality, made me an outsider to some degree. Oh dear.

Over the years we of course memorized many hymns. We had a Sunday morning service hymn book of majestic, worshipful songs (red, hard-covered), a Sunday-evening service and prayer meeting hymn book with more "evangelistic" songs (green, hard-cover), and a camp-meeting hymn book of lively, evangelistic songs, and even some "youth" songs (burgundy, paper-cover). I still have copies of the latter two! And then of course there were Sunday-School songs, Children's Club songs, Youth group songs, and around-the-campfire-accompanied-by-guitar songs. We weren't big on choirs, but we liked youth group musicals, men's quartets, men's and ladies' quartets, and Bible-school traveling choirs.

Summer camps were much beloved events, gathering in the extended family from far and wide. Many folks took their annual work holidays at camp time, year after year. Some even built their own private cabins in the denominational campground. I remember one dear lady, Sister Smith, who attended family camp faithfully until she was 103. She never missed a camp in well over 60 years.

Yes, I do believe that church was for many of us "our culture," our identity. We knew who we were. We knew what we believed (in a general way, but that's another story). We lived in a time and place where denominationalism was important, and we wore our denominational distinctives proudly, like a badge of honor. We giggled at jokes about how heaven would have a special area reserved for us true Christians, but deep down inside, I suspect we kind of believed it.

(continued...)

thoughts on cultural identity (part 2)

2011-04-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

All of my life, I have felt "culture-less." Growing up, many of my friends were first- or second-generation immigrants. I watched them simultaneously take pride in their new Canadian-ness, and also in the language, social rituals (like those amazing Italian weddings!), foods, national costumes, and religious practices of their former homelands. They were proud hypenated-Canadians!

Me? I came from long lines of British descent, mostly several generations Canadian. The only uniqueness I could see was in my paternal grandfather, who had immigrated from England, and spoke with an accent very much like the Queen - and which I tried to emulate without much success. But. Generally, we spoke boring Canadian English. We wore clothes from the Simpsons Sears and Eatons catalogs, those bastions of Canadian fashion back in the day. We ate boring meat and potatoes and vegetables.

And we faithfully attended a rather plain Protestant church (though Grandpa attended the Anglican Church, which made me rather jealous). Plain as it might have been, compared to the exotic glimpses I sometimes got of my friends' Catholic or Anglican or even Pentecostal religious roots, looking back it now seems to me that if our family had a distinctive culture at all, it was found in the culture of our church.

There, we were "distinctive" to some degree. And proud of it, to some extent, I dare say. We had plain, undecorated walls in our church building; no icons or statues for us. We sang to the accompaniment of piano, rather than to organ music like in "those mainline churches." We went to church numerous times a week. On Sunday alone, there was Sunday School, Sunday morning service, Sunday dinner (at home, with company of course), Sunday afternoon siesta (for the old folks; us young 'uns were told to read the Sunday School paper or play quietly in the yard), and Sunday evening service. Worldly entertainments, like swimming or ball games, were verboten: one must not threaten the sanctity of the Lord's Day. During the week, we went to Wednesday night prayer meeting, Thursday night childrens' club, Friday night youth group.

Summer brought Family Bible Camp, followed the next week by Childrens' Bible Camp. Winter featured periodic week-or-two-long marathons of nightly services led by visiting evangelists. And sometimes \Young People's weekend camps, and/or Men's and Ladies' Retreats when those became fashionable.

We had our dress codes (and oh my goodness, did I ever get a dressing-down by one of the elder sisters in the congregation when I dared, at about age 14, to wear the slightest bit of pale blue eyeshadow to church one Sunday morning). At summer camp, us girls could wear pants or modest (long, loose) shorts for activities, but we all dressed to the nines for daily services. No excuses allowed. Us young folks were allowed, reluctantly by the elderly ladies, to be semi-fashionable so long as we weren't faddish, and so long as we maintained solid codes of modesty. In my younger years, ladies and girls wore hats and gloves, though that practice gradually fell away.

continued.... (Anyone out there relating?)

thoughts on cultural identity (part 1)

2011-04-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I listened to an interview of one of Canada's First Nations chiefs. He spoke of how for 500 years missionaries have brought Christianity to First Nations people, yet only 3 per cent have truly accepted. He noted that most missionaries insisted that the aboriginal peoples must, to become Christians, give up all that related to their culture, and take on the missionaries' format of church. They demanded the new believers give up their regalia, their drums and music, their language. They informed them that those things were evil.

The chief described how this approach stripped the new believers of what made them the unique people the Creator designed them to be. It removed them from the places God had planted them. This missionizing approach worked hand-in-hand with the aim of the government to "assimilate" the native peoples. Generations of children were removed from the influence of their families and their peoples, to residential schools (often operated by churches), where they were meant to be transformed into nice little white-man-Christians.

Of course none of this information is new. The results of these missionary efforts are well known. My own husband spent some of his childhood years in residential school, and I see every day the outcomes of that experience on him and on his people. But watching the interview (you can watch it here, here, and here - 3 parts) made me think about the value of our cultural roots, and how that fits in with our identity in Christ. More and more, First Nations peoples are embracing Jesus, and re-embracing their culture at the same time. What does that mean for me? What does my culture, my identity, have to do with my relationship with Jesus?

The next few posts will explore some of those thoughts.

busy for God?

2011-03-10T17:31:00.000-08:00

Do you worry about whether or not "God is using you" enough? Are you busy, busy, busy for the Lord? Trying to be a superwoman or superman for Jesus? Or maybe busy, busy, busy just getting prepared?

If that's you (and for sure, too often it is me, too), take a listen to some good advice:

Alan Knox has been talking about trying to prepare yourself to live the superhero Christian life. Doing everything just right, devotions, church meetings, education and training, to earn your supersuit so God can use you. Working hard in your own strength. Turns out that, as Alan says, "God is not waiting for us to find our “super suit.” Instead, he’s waiting for us to begin working to serve others so that he can then work through us." His recommendation: "So, start serving others ... and give God a chance to empower you as well." What? It's that easy? Just start serving, and let God empower you? Wow!

Tony Campolo has been talking about busyness too. He says that we often think that if we are very busy for God (and everyone else), we'll achieve God's favor and will for us. But he says Jesus presents another way:

Jesus, on the other hand, talks about a man who plants a seed and then goes to sleep and rests. While he is sleeping, corn begins to grow, “first the blade and then the ear, and eventually the full corn appears.” In short, we should not feel that everything is dependent on us when it comes to the work of the Kingdom of God. We should do what we are called to do, but not feel that we have to consume every moment in making things happen for God and for God’s Kingdom.

Well! That appeals to me, alright. I could use some rest. How about you? Seems that the Kingdom isn't totally dependant on me, after all. That's a relief! Turns out that even important people like Tony Campolo are allowed to take vacations. Not to mention that it's good to take a moment to enjoy the creation of God, and be grateful for life.

Rachel Held Evans has been thinking about "how to avoid getting overwhelmed by kingdom work." She quotes Marcus Borg, who sees kingdom work this way: “It’s like being part of a quilter’s group.... Don’t worry about the entire quilt; just focus on your square.”

She's right, that is a great metaphor. And she goes on to ask herself, "so what’s my square in the kingdom quilt?" She lists things like "helping people through doubt" and "addressing the unique questions my generation is asking" and "finding better, more constructive ways to engage the Bible."

I have been going through a planning process of my own in the past days, and I think this question, "What's my square in the kingdom quilt" is something I need to consider. Evans goes on to say that our upbringing, family, culture, and experiences all contribute to our little squares. And that we can take that which we have inherited and turn it into something new, something our own. When I focus on my square, she says, I thrive, and at the same time, "I can relax and enjoy the friendly chatter around the circle as others work diligently on their own."

That's an awesome picture. I'm not responsible for the whole quilt. But my little square is still an integral part of the whole (can you picture a quilt with a square missing?). And I'm part of a real community. I've been to enough quilting bees in my past to understand the sense of community quilt-making engenders. Hmmm... What does my square in the kingdom quilt look like?

job or joy

2011-03-10T12:07:00.000-08:00

Here's another one of those "struggle" things: this time the "trying to" live in forgiveness; "trying to" transform the way I think. Of course, I can't. All my "trying" fails. I can't earn it. I have to accept it. Christ has done the work; and He is living in me. So stop struggling, trying, earning. Fly in it, and celebrate it!

Jon Acuff says it so well in "The bird, the letter, and the job."

I mess grace up so often and have confused it in my head for so many years. I finally just confessed to God, “You know how I think. You know how I’ve trained myself to believe for years and years. I can’t rewire myself. I can’t sanctify me. Only you can. I need you to transform the way I look at grace.” And the prayer that came from that confession and the hope I have for you and me is simple:

“Help me live in the joy of forgiveness, not the job of forgiveness.” ...

I pray we will be that bird who does not run, but instead flies. Who looks at what Christ did for us on the cross. The sacrifice, the mercy, the grace and that we will not try to earn it when we return to the farm, but will instead accept it. Fly in it. Celebrate it. And know the joy of forgiveness.

What bird? Read the whole story here.

mustard seed faith and relationship with Father

2011-03-10T11:09:00.000-08:00

If you are anything like me, you've spent at least some time struggling to "build up your faith" at least to mustard-seed level. And you've wondered why those mountains don't move. Here is a blog post that looks at those questions from a perhaps new-to-you angle.

Bob Humphrey writes:

You begin to see that there are no limits to what Father has for you because you are now immersed in the ever-growing sense of God’s heart and that’s when it hits you. Jesus was talking about the sense of faith that he was living in with his Father that he would freely make available to them. .... All of the potential of growth is in the tiny wittle seed. But it can’t do it by itself. It needs the dynamic relationship between soil, water, air, and sunshine to grow. But with Father infusing himself into the mix of the relationships it is transformed into something magnificent that branches out and changes the geography of the ground it was planted in. Indeed because it’s not a fixed finite thing, but a growing, ever expanding relationship, what’s to stop it?

Wow! Getting to mustard seed faith level, and then getting it to "work" isn't up to me, after all. It's all about Father "infusing himself" into me through our relationship. Read the rest here.

what does it look like?

2011-03-05T12:03:00.000-08:00

At Streams of White Light in Darkened Corners, my friend Gerry asks, "So what does it look like when Jesus' teachings in Matthew 5-7 are lived out in His people?"

This is one of those things I have been wondering about a lot. I have seen, in my lifetime, all kinds of attempts to do that - live out Jesus' teachings. I've seen it in church programs. I've seen it in people's personal lives. I've heard endless arguments about it. Those who think that Jesus' teachings are admirable, but impossible. Those who take them as moral guidance. Those who develop programs to teach Jesus teachings, and hopefully demonstrate them, that seem wildly "successful" for a time; so that others flock to be part of them, or try to copy them where they are.

Oddly enough, the "living out" examples that have seemed to me to have been most authentic have usually been small groups of believers, and sometimes individuals, just living their lives. Not doing anything special. Not being rich or famous or successful. Just being themselves, often working hard just to make it through another day. Not even "trying" to "be like Jesus." Individuals, yes, but "churches" too. Little groups, sometimes too "small" and "poor" to support a pastor or build a nice building or have any formal programs; often composed of pretty much uneducated, simple folk.

And yet, there has been something about them that has caught my attention. Simple kindnesses, acceptance instead of judging, encouragement, gentleness, quick and genuine forgiveness, mercy. Just loving everyone they encounter in a quiet, real way. Daily, helping each other out quietly, watching out for each other and for others too, giving a hand when its needed, and not keeping accounts or expecting anything in return. Not attracting attention or success. And when I have looked at them, and interacted with them, I have been pretty sure that in some way I have met Jesus.

But still, I have run around trying to be like Jesus, imitate Jesus, do what would please Jesus, learn more about Jesus so I can "share Him" with others. Running around looking for a group or program or whatever that I can be part of. A "church" that "lives out Jesus' teachings." I guess I have looked to see what they are "doing." Even though those I have really seen Jesus in, just seem to have been "being."

I was really excited when I encountered Pastor Peter and the little gathering of the church on the streets of our community. I wanted to be part of something like that. I could see good things happening, people being "changed." I could see Jesus' teachings being lived out. I suppose I thought that it was all about what Peter, and the others, were "doing." I wanted to "do it" with them. And yes, I have "helped out" and all. But I found myself often feeling discouraged because I was not comfortable trying to do the things Pastor Peter does, the way he does them.  Others I know have felt the same way; and yes, they - and I too - have sometimes tried to change things to "our way" of doing. But Peter keeps repeating, "I'm glad to have you here with us. We can do this together. But you have to be who God wants you to be. And you have to let me be who God wants me to be."

I am not Pastor Peter. I am not a big tatooed guy who used to deal drugs and be a bouncer at bars and drive a Harley. I'm not trained in nursing like he is. I'm not comfortable wandering back alleys by myself.    He keeps telling those who want to help, that they need to be who God made them to be.   And that if they want to be part of the "Another Chance Street Ministry" it must be because that is where God plants them, and it's only really possible with Jesus living in and through them, who and as they are.

And that's going to look different with every one of us, but if we are allowing Jesus to be who He is, the head of His body, and accept ourselves as who He has made us, then all our differences are going to come together. We don't need to compete, nor do we need to try and fit in and do what others are doing or what others want us to do.   And the "street ministry" isn't any better or more useful or more "living out the teachings of Jesus" than what others in the whole group of believers that make up "the church at Penticton" are doing. We are all needed. We all need to let Jesus live out his life in each of us. He does the "coordinating." He IS the coordination, the center, the purpose, the way, the Life.

Slowly I am learning to stop trying. Slowly I am getting past "knowing about Jesus" and "doing things for Him." And instead, I am coming to "know Jesus" in relationship with Him and His body, His church; and to simply be who I am, the me He intended from the start, with Him living His life in and through me, through us.

So back to Gerry's question, "What does it look like when Jesus' teachings in Matthew 5-7 are lived out in His people?"   Here's the answer I wrote in his comments section:

What does it look like? I'm beginning to think that it looks like more different things than we can imagine. Jesus living out his life in and through every believer, individually and corporately in his body... that is bound to be as creative as he, the Source of Life, is.

I have been getting more and more disillusioned trying to "be like" Jesus, or even "be like" others who have been held up (and admired) as the hands and face of Jesus. And so they may be, but they are each of them only, I'm thinking, one small aspect. We say we want others to see Jesus living in and through us ... but then we look around to see how that is working out in others, and try to copy that, instead of just letting Jesus do that, his way, in us.

If Jesus is to be seen by the world as he is, then he is going to use each of us, individually and corporately, to show various aspects or facets of him. Yes, if we are really allowing him to live his life in and through us, we will demontrate his love and mercy (and share in his suffering too) ... but how that "looks" will be amazingly varied and creative.

And not to be "judged" by others as better or worse or whatever! We should be rejoicing in how Jesus lives out his life in others, whatever that looks like, and also joyfully accept and eagerly participate in the way he chooses to live out his life in ourselves (individually, and living his life out with the others where he places us) as we are in relationship with him, without comparing to others. (Not to mention that it sure relieves me of pressure to perform, or to live up to others expectations, or to try to do things to please him, etc).

It's not a contest. It's not a life of imitation. It's not a plan or a goal that can be reached through a series of steps and actions. It's just "Christ in us." Jesus living His life, Father's life, in and through us, his children, his church, his people. And others seeing that life, seeing Him.

Rationality, Mystery, and Relationship

2011-03-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

I've been seeking Jesus. To know Him, not to just know about Him.

As I have said before, in my childhood I somehow got the impression that to be a Christian is to "accept Jesus into your heart," and to memorize and be able to spout (or at best pass on to others) a list of facts about God, and live a moral life "like Jesus." A rational theology, for the most part, accompanied with a hazy concept of "faith" which itself is supposedly based on the "fact" of God, but kind of mysterious and hard to attain (though it could sometimes be "worked up" with a certain amount of emotionalism). I liked the rational part; it suited my way of thinking. I was nervous about the mystery and emotional part most of the time, and anyway, we have the Bible so we no longer "see through a glass darkly" if we just know the facts, right? To be honest, I starting doubting all that pretty quickly, even as a child, but it sure was buried deeply in my thinking from an early age, and has kept hounding me.

So this morning I was reading from the Sweet/Viola book, Jesus Manifesto. I've been exploring with Jesus lately, longing for Him to "reveal" Himself to me. And He has been. Slowly. Small bits at a time. I suppose I was hoping, after all, for a big emotional eureka moment. But I've been realizing that that isn't generally His way. Still, sometimes He does send a "sunrise" along after a long slow dawning. That kind of happened this morning, though I expect it's probably just the top edge of the orb rising over the dark mountain top! Still, I don't want to lose track of it when clouds roll in (which it seems they inevitably do from time to time) so I'm recording this bit of light for myself. If you happen to be reading this, it may seem so you that I'm awfully slow. That's okay. I am. Go ahead and read something else if you like :-)

So the book was talking about "mystery." It was also talking about my own "rational" approach to God, and where it has (or rather, hasn't) taken me:

And while Jesus contains the fullness of God, our knowledge of Him is limited by what we are able to receive at any given moment. God, being infinite, is more than any mortal can fully grasp. Thus there will always be more of Him in Christ to know and experience. But the end of existence is not understanding faith. It is living faith - a walk of utter dependence upon and loving attentiveness to Jesus Christ. (p84)

So maybe I need to open myself to the "mystery" a bit more. After all, Paul wrote about it. And said that the mystery of God is Christ, and the mystery of Christ is the church. There's no doubt that the more facts I have stored away, the more mysterious Christ and the church have become to me. But why would God use mystery? How can truth and mystery be reconciled? It doesn't seem rational.

The book explained that this way: That when dealing with divine mystery, religion can display it, or can hide it. The latter is the religious approach I have experienced. It goes on to says that

Beginning with Descartes, Western Christianity moved from "truth as mystery" to "truth as certainty." (p 86)

Aha! That's the "truth" that's been hounding me. "Truth as certainty." Learn the creeds, memorize Scripture, preach the Spiritual Laws, study Truth Projects, obey the rules, get into the church systems and educational systems and all. Easy, but ultimately, in my experience, awfully unsatisfying. Like the book says,

When truth is encountered as certainty rather than mystery, open spaces of providence and possibility begin to close.... Only by living the mystery can truth be discovered. (p 86)

Faith is not mental assent or wishful thinking. It's another sense as real as our physical senses. (p 87)

To the person who walks in the Spirit, paradox, mystery, and uncertainty propel him forward instead of bogging him down. (p 87)

... to reject mystery ... often leads to the frail and foolish attempt to explain a God who is beyond explanation. (p 88)

That sure explains a lot. So I don't need to rationalize, know all there is to know about God. I can't. Even Moses only got to see God's back in passing.

So God doesn't give us His face. But He does give us His right hand - and its name is Jesus. (p 89)

As for us, we will always "know in part" until we meet Him "face to face." (p 89)

I've long thought that maybe if I just studied logic and Latin (as a number of home school folks recommend) then I would better understand theology and find the solutions to what have seemed to me to be illogicies and contradictions in theological systems. So I ordered workbooks and tried. Still didn't do it for me. And what about all those famous theologians who disagree? And bloggers, too :-)

Christ is too immense, too imponderable, and too alive to be tied into any immovable system of thought constructed by finite humans... Jesus is too alive to be caged in any human system.... He is THE way.... He is THE truth.... He is THE life of God Himself. (p 89-90)

So all those rational systems so many of us have been depending upon are, in the end, too small. And it is okay, after all, to have questions about them. In fact, I'm pretty sure that a lot of the questions I've had have come from the Spirit of Christ (though somewhere along the line early on, I was told that questioning comes from the enemy. So don't question. Hmmm). Of course if my questions arise out of my own "self" and "the world" - and yes, the "enemy" - I'll most likely just end up substituting a new system of my own making. Wow. So I really do need Christ in me.

.... following Jesus doesn't mean trying to create a weapons-grade theological system to analyze, explain, and contain Him. Neither does it mean trying to obey His teachings by the power of our own volition. When you say yes to Jesus, you are saying yes to a person, not to a proposition. (p 90)

Oh, right. There's that relationship thing. That marriage analogy. The "Bride of Christ" picture the New Testament keeps coming back to.

You pledge your allegiance not to the vows, but to the person you love. The padlock of wedlock is not the vows; it's the love. (p 90)

Our theologies, doctrines, and subjective experiences are designed to flow organically from our loving relationship to Christ, but they are never to substitute for it. (p 90-91)

.... Paul wrote to the Corinthian church, "I determined not to anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified." (p 91)

Christ is the embodiment of all that God desires to give His children - both His teachings and His virtues.... May we, therefore, stop seeking "things" and instead lay hold of the "real thing" - Jesus. He is the razor edge of truth, the road that leads us out of the ditch." (p 92)

I have wondered (but hardly dared verbalize it) if I have "lost my first love" - or even if I ever had a first love to begin with. I can look to various times when I had emotional love experiences, when I felt peace, when I was excited to spread the gospel. But what is "first love" anyway? Is it just that joyful "feeling" and "excitement" new Christians supposedly have? What if one (me) didn't have that, so much? The book says of the church at Ephesus (as in Revelation 2 and 3):

In their zeal for theological purity and social relevance, they lost their "first love" - the sovereign Christ and the supremacy of loving Him.

Oh! Knowing and loving Jesus. Not just "getting it." But "getting, knowing Him."

So now what? At the same time as I've been going through this growing-to-be-in-relationship-and-to-know-Jesus space in my life recently, I've also been going through a stage of wondering where "I" as an individual stand in all this, how all this impacts my life on a practical basis. Do I just carry on with my life, maybe even dream and plan and act on my hopes and goals, or do I just sit and wait till somehow I suddenly "see clearly God's will for the next step"? Or maybe some kind of combination of both? For awhile, I was just sitting, feeling lost. Lately I got to the point where I decided to get busy and go ahead and do something - but at the same time be willing to let the Spirit guide me elsewhere as He desires. After all, scripture says we are to work, support ourselves, help others. Not just sit around waiting. But still, this nagging feeling that maybe my dreams, plans, goals are really "about me" after all.

The sun has been rising a bit above the mountain top, after a long, slow dawn, on that issue, too. You can check out my thoughts on that over here.

Thank You, Jesus, for Your light. Thank You that You are THE light.

nobody follows Jesus anymore.

2011-03-02T12:30:00.000-08:00

Awesome article. http://subversive1.blogspot.com/2011/03/nobody-follows-jesus-so-why-should-you.html. Go read it. You might want to sit down.

you can't start a church

2011-02-28T19:50:00.000-08:00

From Josh at Called to Rebuild, a post called "The organic nature of the church." In which he says:

The local, corporate expression of Jesus Christ must be born, just as the individual Christian must be born, of the Spirit. Contrary to all the talk you hear from men about “starting a church”, you cannot start a church anymore than you can start a Christian. Both must be born, for they are not mechanical things but living organisms. This takes time and travail, not to mention one heck of a revelation of Jesus Christ. And that revelation must be a sustained revelation… it must be continuous, on-going. It must be kept fresh and up-to-date-a living, daily experience of Jesus Christ-or else whatever experience and expression of the church there is will fade away and die.

Wow. Well said.

Read the rest of the post, too. And the comments. Great conversation!

wanting answers to your "why" questions?

2011-02-28T18:09:00.000-08:00

So many "whys" in life. So much that doesn't make sense. So many wonderings about the purpose (or not) of events. So much wishing for easier understanding. So many unanswered questions.

God, why don't you answer my whys? How many times I have asked that!

Jeff McQ at Losing My Religion has explored this in an excellent post called "God doesn't have to explain Himself."

A couple of points that really resonate with me:

I think sometimes that's why God doesn't always answer right away--because we asked a question for which we had no grid to appreciate the answer, and He must first grow us to a point where we can handle the answer.

And....

God doesn't seem to be in a hurry to answer those who demand an explanation, but He does seem to be willing to reveal more of Himself when He sees a heart that truly longs for Him.

Not a list of "easy answers" to the "why" question... but some helpful and encouraging direction. Read the whole article here.

Contradictions and paradoxes and other confusing things

2011-02-28T17:24:00.000-08:00

Again on the topic of what we believe, Roger Olsen has written an intriguing post called "Is it possible to believe a paradox?"

I know that when a lot of people hear the word "paradox" their eyes kind of glaze over, and they instantly want to change the subject, because they feel like anything paradoxical is totally confusing. The same thing happens when someone brings up apparent "contradictions" found in the Bible. I've been there myself, and sometimes I'm still there.

If you're feeling that way, I highly recommend reading this post. In it, Roger Olsen starts out by defining "paradox" in relation to Christian beliefs. He gives examples. And he goes on to discuss paradoxes and contradictions and mystery and analogy and proposition. Are your eyes glazing over yet? Don't hit the delete button just yet. Read the article . You may not agree with the writer's theological position on each example he gives, but you will come away with a clearer understanding about these various terms. Which will certainly help to keep your vision clearer the next time they come up! :-)

why do you believe what you believe?

2011-02-28T17:04:00.000-08:00

We all believe certain things about God. But have you ever wondered where you got the beliefs you believe? Are you sure about your theology? Dan Allen at The Ekklesia in Southern Maine has listed some questions worth asking when you are trying to understand and interpret the Bible. Briefly, he lists the following:

Are there other views on the subject?
Does my understanding depend on culture and current events?
Do I believe it because it is or is not popular currently or throughout history?
Do you believe it because your theological heroes or favorite pastor believes it?
Are you looking to the Spirit to teach you?

I know for myself that I have often felt confused because many very intelligent people throughout the history of the church have held some quite different viewpoints about what we as followers of Jesus believe. I have wondered how I can know what to believe when these "great saints" can't agree.

Why not read this article by Dan to see what he says about each of these questions. What do you think? Have you believed things for reasons that you maybe need to re-examine? What (or Who!) is the source of Truth for you?

becoming a child, even a baby

2011-02-28T16:17:00.000-08:00

At Losing My Religion, Jeff McQ writes a post Coming as Babies in which he describes in detail about the stripping-away in his life that God has been doing. Jeff says:

Jesus came as a man--but not as a grown man. He didn't launch His mission as the self-proclaimed expert of all things spiritual. He came into this world the same way we all do--as a baby. A helpless, vulnerable, non-potty-trained baby. He didn't come with all the answers--that came later....

On a personal level, I think I've struggled for a long time with my deconstruction. Although I've definitely been thankful for the sense of freedom (and wouldn't ever want to go back into bondage), I also have felt such a sense of loss because at the very least I had a strong sense of direction, and when things dismantled, I felt there was nothing to replace what I'd had. I think I'm finally going to be okay with that now. I think I can fully embrace this time and place, knowing that the previous stripping was necessary in order to step into this mission in the right way.

Jesus came to us as a baby, and He changed the world. I believe that if I embrace the same idea, enter this mission as a baby, and have patience with the process, I can at least make a positive difference.

I can really relate to this. I spent so many years in "religion," feeling quite confident that I was a "good Christian." After all, I was deeply involved in all kinds of programs, and enjoyed plenty of pats-on-my-back. I was confident about my knowledge about the Bible. I was confident about my training and "success" as a teacher. And on and on.

In the past few years, my confidence has been battered down. Stomped on in the mud. At first, I felt that I was being moved from a "Martha" position to a "Mary" position. Probably I was pretty proud of that :-( ... But in the past while, that's been stripped away from me too. I have been brought into a place where for the most part I have really felt like "a helpless, vulnerable, non-potty-trained baby." And no, I haven't enjoyed it all that much. Lost my answers, lost my sense of direction, lost my self-confidence.

But I think Jeff has it right. This is where I need to be. Not Martha rushing around serving. Not Mary sitting at Jesus' feet. Not even a child sitting on Jesus' lap. But a baby. Totally dependant on Jesus.

And yes, permanently dependent :-)

(Now, go read the rest of Jeff's post!)

It's not about my ability at all! What a relief!

2011-02-28T15:26:00.000-08:00

Quote from Surprised by the Voice of God by Jack Deere:

“So humble people put their confidence in the Holy Spirit’s ability to speak, not in their ability to hear, and in Christ’s ability to lead, not in their ability to follow.”

Wow. That is such a relief! It's not about my ability at all.

(Check out some other great quotes and books worth reading here at Mary Demuth's blog.)

struggling with and questioning God

2011-02-28T15:15:00.000-08:00

As anyone who reads this blog knows, I do a fair amount of questioning, wondering, arguing, struggling with God. Sometimes I feel kind of guilty about that. But today I read a blog post that posits that having some "chutzpa" in our relationship with God is actually a sign of active faith and relationship - and, in fact, God does a fair bit of struggling with us, too.

At Leaving Salem, Ronnie McBrayer writes:

More times than we care to admit, our relationship with
God is not a Harlequin romance, wrapped in a tidy package
with a bow on top. It is more like a game of tug-o-war.
God speaks and pulls and we pull back. He yanks again and
we curse and shout across the mud pit at him. He shouts
back. It goes on like this for a long time – most of our
lives even – and sometimes God wins and sometimes we do.
Why is it this way? Because God isn’t after blind,
robotic faith, we behaving as androids receiving signals
from above transmitted to our spiritual antenna. No, God
is after a relationship with us, for us to genuinely know
him. And sometimes to know this God we must wrestle with
him.
When we give up on listening, struggling, wrestling, and
protesting – when we lose our chutzpah – we have given up
on faith, and the only thing left is atheism or cynicism;
hardness toward God or disbelief in him. The struggle
means the relationship is very much alive.

What about you? Have you and God been struggling lately?

please pray for our street church family

2011-02-26T20:51:00.000-08:00

This morning a boarding house which is one of the only places in our community that will take in street people, burned to the ground. A good number of the 18 residents who have lost their home are regular attenders at our street church breakfast and other gatherings. Here is a report from Pastor Peter of the Another Chance Street Ministry:

The Pine lodge was gutted by fire today every one is ok ,but everything was destroyed . Most jumped out of bed and got out Monty had no shoes same as others . All was lost , but the fire dept. emergency relief helped everyone about 20 mostly our street family or those on the edge have lodging till Monday morning at the Sandman Inn. Tineka and I found all the coats and clothing we could and also went to wall-mart for means and women's underwear , razors ,socks shoes , brushes etc. I will be back there after Church in the morning to see what else , they are all very upset and have no idea what is next . Please pray there is a lot of needs to be met and I have no idea exactly what they will be or how they will be met.

Pastor Peter

There is a news story on this item here.

dining with Jesus

2011-02-25T12:44:00.000-08:00

Jesus, I have been thirsty and hungry in a dry and barren land.

I don't just need "Your written word" important as it is. If that's all I seek, it becomes, even the "red letter" parts, a "law" of its own.

I need You. THE WORD. I need You, Your Spirit, to interpret, to make alive, Your written word. Without You, without Your Spirit, the Spirit of Christ, even the red letter words in the written word, are as dead, finally, as the law.

And sadly, we seem to think that once we have "received You," we can depend on our intellect and study, and on our good works and efforts (inevitably, the ones WE choose) to keep us going.

Like white bread fills the stomach and provides a short-term carbohydrate energy fix. But doesn't nourish and lead to healthy growth because the wholeness of the grain has been removed.

You are the Bread of Life. The wholeness, the fullness. I long to have You present at every meal. The main course, and the accompaniments, too.

And I long to have You present at every drink along the way. Many sips, and deep draughts, too, constantly along the journey, along Your path, the walk of Life. You, the source of Living water, always present and ready, longing for us to drink from You often.

To drink from You the very moment thirst starts to build. Instead of waiting until we have keeled over, "dying of thirst." Instead of substituting all manner of sugary, chemical laden, fake flavored, diuretic, non nourishing "beverages." I long rather to reach regularly, always, for Your simple, always fresh, always Life giving water: Yourself. The Life. The Way, The Truth.

In a well-watered and lush land. Your promised land. The green pastures and still waters of You, the Good Shepherd. The Abundant Life.

You have been waiting patiently at the dinner table, calling, with the food ready and the glasses filled. But so often I have failed to hear, to answer, to join You. But here I am now. Ready, eager, to receive, to dine with (on!)You, at Your table.

freedom!!!

2011-02-24T17:20:00.000-08:00

It's all over on the blogs I subscribe to. The message of freedom! Check out some examples, from today alone:

On Internet Monk, "Monkshank Redemption," Jeff Dunn writes:

In grace alone are we enabled to truly follow Jesus. It is not a case of, “Well, now you’re free so you had better not screw up again.” Or as I heard often growing up, “Your life is God’s gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.” Sorry. God has given me a museum masterpiece, and I return to him a clay ashtray? No, I don’t think so. In grace we are free to receive God’s masterpiece he has for us and live in that without trying to impress him with our less-than-great efforts.

It’s your choice. You can spend your life in jail, telling yourself just how good you are doing in your efforts to obey the Bible and be a good person. Or you can follow Jesus. The Jesus portrayed in the Bible, from Genesis thru maps, is not one who keeps score of how well you do. He has already won the game.

At On the Journey, "Free," co_heir writes:

Sin is no longer the defining force in my life. I still sin, but I also have a Savior that has freed me. When I do sin, it's not because sin is controlling me. It's life. It's part of being a man who is still learning how to follow Jesus and live in God's grace. Fortunately, my Father doesn't condemn me, he is not disappointed with me. He sees me as his beloved son. He teaches me and leads me, and continues to fill me with his love.

Earlier in the day, again at Internet Monk, "Jail Break," Jeff Dunn also writes:

It never ends. The only way to stop the madness is to die. Die to your identity as a sinner. Stop embracing the idea that you are still in sin. Instead, embrace the notion that God has forgiven you totally: Your sins of yesterday, your sins of today, your sins of tomorrow. It really is true, you know. The Lamb is slain from the foundation of the world. We were forgiven from the start. The prison doors are unlocked. The only thing keeping you behind bars is your refusal to see yourself as dead to your sins and alive to Christ.

(Oh, and by the way, you will totally want to watch and listen to the Johnny Cash video he's posted!)

At Cerulean Sanctum, "True Freedom in Christ: Breaking The Bonds of Legalism," Dan Edelen writes:

Freedom in Christ is letting everything else go, letting it die, so that we can live by the Spirit.
And when our physical bodies finally wear out, we won’t be judged by God for how much we know or for how well we applied “godly principles” and rules to life. As Jesus Himself said, it will all come down to whether we lived a life that showed we loved Him and loved other people.
That’s true freedom.

Maybe I got so excited about all this, because Father has been teaching me about freedom too - especially about the freedom that is found in Jesus, His Son. Earlier today, in my post "How do we so easily become indifferent to Jesus?," I asked:

And why would people want to accept Jesus and get through the gate, and then spend the rest of their lives "trying to stay" by their own righteousness, in whatever form they think that involves?

And a day or two ago, in "Trying to find fulfillment in things 'related to' Jesus," I mused:

I am missing You, dear Jesus. Only You can fill this emptiness, this feeling of loss that has been dogging me. I've tried to fill it in church. Not just the church "systems," the "doing church" which I was deeply involved in for years, but found in the end that that just didn't fill me. But also in "being part of the church" which I was surprised to find hasn't done it either. You have not allowed me to find the joy or fulfillment I've been hoping for, even there, even though it was so much "better" than the former "doing." You have kept me wandering in this empty wilderness. For a purpose, I am beginning to see.

I've seen a lot of other blog posts recently focusing on the freedom we have in Jesus. When the Spirit speaks to many different people in different places about the same thing, seems to me that maybe we should tune in and listen carefully. And turn our eyes fully on Jesus' face, the one to whom the Spirit always points.

How do we so easily become indifferent to Jesus?

2011-02-24T13:34:00.000-08:00

I wonder. Is it easier for those who have never before known how to enter, to accept the Good News, than for those who have heard the Good News but have latched onto (often from childhood, because that's when they were taught it) an incomplete or warped or even false version of it that still requires good works, or following "the Law" or whatever?

And why would people want to accept Jesus and get through the gate, and then spend the rest of their lives "trying to stay" by their own righteousness, in whatever form they think that involves?

There is a world of difference between doing good works because you love Jesus and love others with His love that is in you and flows out of you; and doing good works to try and keep your place in the Kingdom, as if what Jesus has done is really not sufficient.

How is it that we so quickly and easily become indifferent to Jesus? And turn to the Law and/or other substitutes to try to maintain our salvation and/or increase our righteousness? Or how can we just smugly accept our salvation, take it for granted, and then "get on with life" now that we feel safe in our fire insurance policy, or whatever? And not even be concerned about the safety of others?

So simple: Yes, Jesus loves me!

2011-02-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

(This is post 12 in a series that started here).

When I was a little child, I very simply accepted that Jesus loves me. "Yes Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so."

And when I prayed, I started my prayers with, "Dear Jesus."

It was so simple and uncomplicated. Of course Jesus is real. Of course Jesus is active in my life. Of course Jesus loves me. I'm His little child. I'm His little lamb.

There! Look at the Bible story picture of Jesus with the children on His lap and standing around Him. Look at the picture of Jesus the Good Shepherd carrying the little lamb. Look at the picture of Him stretching out over the dangerous ravine to reach and save the little lamb that tumbled over the edge and is hanging there caught precariously in a thorn bush. Look at the picture on the wall of Jesus reaching out to protect small children crossing a bridge over a raging creek in a terrible storm. Listen again to the story, picture again the scene, of Jesus hanging on the cross, His arms outstretched, offering His salvation to any child who will say, "Dear Jesus..."

I'm much older now, and I've spent many years trying to make it more complicated. But really, it isn't. Thank You for revealing Yourself to me again, dear Jesus. Simply. Again.

Yes, Jesus loves me. Nothing has changed. I guess I just got in the way, let other things get in the way. Forgot the pictures, or thought that I'm too mature and deep for them now.

But I'm back.

Dear Jesus. Thank You for loving me. I love You, too. Amen. :-)

Jesus is more than I've imagined!

2011-02-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

(This is post 11 in a series that starts here).

But Jesus is more than the path to God. More than the door to salvation. More than "just" God's Son. More than "just" our mediator before the Father. More than "just" our High Priest.

(Yes, the Protestant tradition I was raised in had, I'm afraid, a rather strong antipathy, even fear, of anything that might involve the "priest" word, anything that might thereby smack of papacy and all that supposedly goes with it. Sometimes I wonder if that isn't part of the reason that we avoided too much talk about Jesus' role, other than salvation and loving little children. Hm.)

So like Paul says in Colossians 1, Jesus Christ is "first in everything, for God in all his fulness was pleased to live in Christ." And "Christ is the visible image of the invisible God." Paul preached Christ. Christ was Paul's gospel. Father sent His Son to reveal God; and to bring His fallen creatures back into relationship. As John writes, "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God... No one has ever seen God. But his only Son, who is himself God, is near to the Father's heart and he has told us about him."

Everything points to Jesus Christ. He is what I have been missing, what I've been circling around, but not fully connecting to. You, Jesus, in Your fullness, are Who I have been missing.

Dear Jesus, please fill me. Please be ALL to me and in me. Dear Jesus, please reveal Yourself to me. Please be the Center, for me, and for Your church.

Holy Spirit, please "turn my eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face." Please let all the other things grow dim to my eyes so that I clearly see Jesus' glory and grace. Thank You, Spirit, for pointing always straight to Jesus, when I've only wanted to see what's "around" Him. And thank You, Father, for showing me Yourself in Your Son.

Where Jesus fits into the story

2011-02-23T11:31:00.000-08:00

(This is post 10 in a series that starts here).

I've wondered and wondered exactly where Jesus fits into the story. I've experienced the wonder of Father. And of the Holy Spirit. But strange as it may seem, I've often been puzzled and lost when it comes to Jesus.

Oh yes, when I was young, I learned all the stories. I understood the doctrine and theology. I "asked Jesus into my heart": several times actually. Hesitantly at first, following the "ABC rules of salvation", and yet still unsure, numerous times fearing I'd "lost my salvation by backsliding." And then, finally, permanently, and with great relief and even joy, a few months after my first child was born. Following that, I was baptized, too, in the name of the Father, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. And I have always prayed "in Jesus' name." Even, when I was young, prayed TO Jesus. Until someone taught me that we pray to the Father through the name of Jesus.

So I thought Jesus was for little children, and for adults in order to become Christians, and maybe for awhile in their walk when they were still baby Christians. But I was taught, led to believe, that mature Christians went on to "deeper things," to "maturity," and in the process went on to, well, experiencing the Holy Spirit, or to studying the Word in depth, or on to focusing on The Father, or to lots of involvement in the church, or... (fill-in-the-blank,depending on whose doctrine you hear. And I've been taught all of these at one time or another).

And yet, all along I've always been hounded by the question, "What about Jesus?"

And I've always longed for MORE, in my walk with God.

Lately, more and more, I've heard people saying that we need to be more Christ-centric. To be fully centered on Christ.

This morning I started reading the "red words" in Matthew. Of course I've read them dozens of times before, but this time I had a special focus and purpose. I was looking for Jesus. Really searching.

I read where Jesus says, "God blesses those who realize their need for Him [the poor in spirit] for the kingdom of Heaven is given to them." (Matthew 5:1 NLT). And I realized this need I've had to really know God cannot be filled with (heretical as this may sound) only by knowing and walking with Father and the Holy Spirit (aided by church involvement and Bible study of course). I must know and walk with Jesus, too. Centrally.

Jesus fulfills the "Trinity." Jesus is Himself God: "the fulness of the Godhead bodily." The God we can see, touch, feel, hear, know. The God Who meets us in our humanness.

I've known the words, the theory, the doctrine, the theology. But...

Wanting something solid, tangible, to hang on to

2011-02-22T18:04:00.000-08:00

(This is post 9 in a series that starts here).

Yes, when I realized and accepted Father's love, I thought I had it made. I thought I'd be full of joy forever. I thought my relationship with God was awesome now.

But. Things happened in my life. My dad died suddenly of cancer. My mom slowly left us, fading year by year into the foggy world of dementia, and finally left us completely one day. I hardly mourned my dad's passing, because I was just so relieved that he didn't have to watch his beloved slip away from him day by day. I barely mourned at all when my mom passed on; in fact, I actually (guiltily) sighed with relief, because I knew she had gone home to dad and Jesus, totally renewed. At the same time, sitting by her day by day, year by year as she drifted away, I had become terrified that one day the same end might happen to me too. And so with mom's passing, I quickly buried my fears and tried not to think of them - or her. Which only brought more guilt.

While this was happening, my five children were growing up, and one by one they left home. My greatest self-identity of the past 25 years, that of a mother, seemed to be stripped away, leaving me feeling empty, useless, unnecessary. Through unexpected circumstances, another important source of self-identity, that of being a teacher, also evaporated. And as I watched a much-beloved church family disintegrate around me in bitterness and pain and disillusionment, my years of busy, enthusiastic participation in church as I'd always known it, also disintegrated. I looked for substitutes, dreaming of moving to an island cottage, getting a good job, finding a nice little house church to join.

Even as those difficult life experiences happened, I still knew that Father loved me. He continued to show His love in so many ways. His Presence was always sure. He gave me a street church family to gather together with. He gave my husband and I the funds to make a downpayment on a sweet little townhouse. He gave hubby a new education and career, something he'd dreamed of doing all his life, that would also provide for our needs. He gave us lots of beautiful grandchildren!

But somehow I still needed something solid, tangible, to hang onto. Even though I was sliding into dark days of depression, I never stopped loving Father, never stopped knowing His love. But I was still missing something. Or Someone. Someone I could "grasp." Someone who could be seen and held. Someone "real." Human. But more than human, too, more dependable, more loving, more sure.

I believed in God, for sure. I could with certainty say that I was in relationship with God. But somehow I wanted, needed, to SEE Him. Like the disciples. "Show us the Father." And then Jesus answers, "If you have seen me, You have seen the Father." Jesus, the human, physical, historical, God-in-the-flesh man. God incarnate.

Oh. Oh!

Trying to find fulfillment in things "related to" Jesus

2011-02-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

(This is post 8 in a series that starts here)

A couple months ago, on the advice of a friend, bought the book, Jesus Manifesto. I started reading it, two or three times, but just couldn't get into it. So I put it aside. But with all the struggles I've been going through in relation to my walk with Jesus, I thought it might be worth a try looking at it again. I started again at the beginning and read the first couple chapters.

This time I am mesmerized. I must finish it. Jesus, reading this book totally confirms what I've been realizing: You are what I've been missing. You are Who I am longing for. You ARE the center! Of all things! You are the center for Your church - and You are the center of and for me. Yes You are!

The other morning, I woke again with that sadly familiar feeling of emptiness, lostness, almost of confusion. Even felt sick to my tummy. And then it flashed on me: I am missing You, dear Jesus. Only You can fill this emptiness, this feeling of loss that has been dogging me. I've tried to fill it in church. Not just the church "systems," the "doing church" which I was deeply involved in for years, but found in the end that that just didn't fill me. But also in "being part of the church" which I was surprised to find hasn't done it either. You have not allowed me to find the joy or fulfillment I've been hoping for, even there, even though it was so much "better" than the former "doing." You have kept me wandering in this empty wilderness. For a purpose, I am beginning to see.

When I started reading Jesus Manifesto over again, this time it made sense to me. You, Jesus, are the center of everything. The whole Bible points to You. Creation points to You. Your church points to You. Your Spirit points to You alone.

I have so often prayed, "Holy Spirit, please guide me in my walk today. Please show me what God would have me do. Please help me walk in Jesus' footsteps. Please give me people to minister to, to serve. Please help me understand the Scriptures. Please help me, please help my children, please help others. Please guide me into fellowship with Your church." And while I have received many answers to these prayers, there has still been this emptiness.

And now I know why. It is because Your Spirit, Jesus, doesn't point to this or that or the other thing that is "related to" You. He doesn't point to me and my walk or journey. He doesn't help me understand the scriptures so that I will be a "better" Christian.

Father, it was an absolutely amazing, wonderful, joyful, guilt-relieving, freeing revelation a few short years ago, that I realized that You really do love me. I have reveled in that. I have thought that now that I know and have experienced Your Father love, and have been able to accept my place as Your child, that all will be perfectly awesome forever.

But....

the One who has had the greatest impact on me

2011-02-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

At my Conversations, Reflections and Meditations blog, I have been writing posts for a challenge called, "30 days of me." Today's challenge was "someone or something that has the biggest impact on you." Here is what I wrote:

30 days of me: day 7: someone or something that has the biggest impact on you.

I love my husband. I love my children and their spouses. I love my friends and my relatives, present and past. I respect and honor past teachers, pastors, employers, and others. I can honestly say that many, many of these people have impacted me in a variety of ways. Some of them have impacted me greatly. (You can discover more specific details about the impacts of some of them on me, if you look through the things I've written on my Conversations, Reflections and Meditations website).

I have also been impacted by writers and filmmakers, poets and artists, and others I haven't met personally, but whose works have had a deep influence on my life. I have no doubt that some of the people who will read this post are included in my long list of people who have impacted my life!

I have been impacted by experiences, by places I've been, and things I've seen. The wonders of creation. Observing animals and other creatures. Miracles. Small things that contain the seeds of great ideas. I have always experienced life as an adventure, an exploration, as lifelong learning and growing and changing.

But beneath and around and above and within all these things is the One who has impacted me the most. The One who is the source and the final fulfillment of everything. For a very long time I beheld this one in a "knowledge about" kind of way. But as my life has moved along, I have found my knowing about is moving more and more into relationship, into real knowing. It hasn't been an easy journey.

As an explorer, learner, adventurer, I tend to ask questions, doubt what I am told, look for the truth. Unwilling, often unable, to easily accept what others tell me I should believe, or what they say is the truth. I'm a child of the twentieth century, of a time of belief and trust in scientific thought, of rationalism and progress. But too often its promises seem to fail. Too often it feels empty despite all its intellectual wonder.

And into these cracks, into these empty spaces, has moved this One who promises to fill in the emptiness and disappointment, who offers Truth and Life that goes beyond the promises of the world I have grown up in. I have struggled with Him, questioned, wondered, sought. I am still on that path, and always will be to some degree.

But I am knowing Him more and more. I know Him as Truth and Life, as the Way I have been seeking. I am learning to focus more and more on Him, and less and less on the things that people have claimed about Him and built around Him.

A couple of millenia ago, one of His followers created a word picture describing Him. I have read those words over and over, pondered that picture, wondering what it might really mean. And the longer and the more I am coming to know Him, the more I am understanding the immensity and wonder of who He is, as these words describe Him:

"He is the visible image of the invisible God. He existed before God made anything at all and is supreme over [is the firstborn of ] all creation. He is the one through whom God created everything in heaven and earth.... Everything has been created through him and for him. He existed before everything else began and he holds all creation together...

For God in all his fulness was pleased to live in Christ, and by him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of his blood on the cross... in his own human body. As a result, he has brought you into the very presence of God, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault...

God's secret plan... is Christ himself. In him lie hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge... For in Christ the fulness of God lives in a human body, and you are complete through your union with Christ."

He has, above all people and all things, had the biggest impact on me. Will you let Him impact you? Ask Him. He will.

Finding the church in ways and places I didn't expect

2011-02-21T12:13:00.000-08:00

(This is post 7 in a series that starts here).

The days have been whizzing by, again. I still haven't found a church-gathering-type-group that reflects my image, I suppose, of what the church should be. But I'm less alone. Some days I even
wish for some alone time again.

A friend landed in hospital for almost two weeks, and I visited her often. And then I helped her and her hubby move and set up their new place.

Another friend had an operation, and I've been over to visit a few times while he's on the mend.

Another friend is lonely, and had to sell her car because of financial difficulties, so I've given her a couple rides, and visited her and played scrabble together, and we listen to worship music
and gaze out at the beautiful mountains from her windows, and praise God together.

And I'm healthy enough now to go to the street breakfast church gathering for the full time, and flip pancakes and cut hair and stuff. Joy! And this past Sunday the sun shone, and we sat outside in lawnchairs and spent focused time together with Jesus and each other. And I took lots of pictures. And worked on the website and blog, and even set up a facebook page.

A couple of friends have dropped by my house, feeling lonely, and I've had such a good time visiting, encouraging and being encouraged, and experiencing Jesus in our midst. Where two or three...

I've met a wonderful new friend on facebook, and we've discovered that God has given both of us a heart for the same things and people, though we live a couple thousand miles apart.

And a young lady I know was short of cash, and I was able to help her start up a little business. And buy some things, and tell others about it.

I've spent awesome time with my daughter and grandchildren, as they have called. And had a wonderful 30th valentines day with my hubby.

My mind is clearing day by day, and I've been able to start writing again on my blogs and websites. Attend groups I'm involved with. Help a friend set up his blogsite, and teach him the basics of
Adsense and linking and such.

I've actually gotten up a few mornings in a row when Father has called. And we've had some amazing times together.

I was looking for gatherings of Jesus and His church as I've imagined it should be. And I have had a bit of that at street church, especially this past Sunday. After a long period of time when it seemed to me like we weren't doing it "right." At least not the way I have expected. I've been looking for a revelation of Jesus Himself, too. As, I guess, I've also imagined that should happen.

Mostly, I haven't found church, or Jesus either, as I have imagined or expected. And I have been getting discouraged. And impatient. But maybe my eyes just haven't been open.

That is starting to change. I'm starting to see more clearly. Thank goodness. Thank YOU, Lord.

Without doing all the things I am supposed to do?

2011-02-21T11:53:00.000-08:00

(This is post 6 in a series that started here).

I don't even know for sure, anymore, what "being a Christian" really entails.

I feel as though all the old certainties have been pulled out from under my feet. And as though I am floundering in mid air. Not in danger of sinking and drowning, per se, because I know You are with me and are holding me up. I mean, You ARE with me. That I KNOW. But beyond that...?

Or is there even any "beyond" or "besides"? Is that the point?

JUST YOU? Is that the point? Stop looking for the framework? Stop trying to create a framework (that only ends up making me lose sight of You. Again.)?

Then where does Your family even fit in? Do I need to let that go too? Stop worrying about church? You know, that very idea seems, well, heretical? dangerous? lonely! Isn't church what it's all about?

Oh. No. YOU are what it's all about. Of course. I know that. I've always known it, somehow. But without church to hold it - to hold You - up?

You? Alone?

Don't You need us? Aren't we important? How would the world be reached, how would morality be protected (etc etc etc), without us? You don't "need us"? Really? Are You sure? How could that be?

Okay, now I am being a bit sarcastic: at myself, for not seeing it before. I mean, in a way I saw it before, in terms of the church as a group. But I didn't see it (maybe didn't want to) as the church that involves me. I want to be needed. And useful.

Maybe this feeling useless and unneeded by my biological family, by my children who are now independent adults with families of their own, maybe this experience has been a good thing after all. Because I have been coming to realize that I am still loved by them, I am still me, still "mom." And realizing that that is enough. Without having to "do all the things moms are supposed to do." Just able to be here, loving them still and knowing they still love me, being ready to help if they call, but just relaxing in our mutual love meanwhile. Sure takes off the pressure.

Maybe it's something like that, my relationship with You and Your church. Just being me. Loving and being loved. Helping when I'm needed. And resting in our mutual love. Without pressure. Without big expectations and responsibilities and all. Leaving the calling up to You, and then walking and working through things with You.

Easy to say. Probably easy to be. So why so hard for me to understand and accept?

Feeling lost in a wandering place

2011-02-20T13:13:00.000-08:00

(This is post 5 in a series that started here).

Oh Father! I have felt so secure in Your love, since You revealed to me so clearly that You really do love me. But what about Your Son? Dear God, Father, how do I get to know Your Son and follow Him? How do I do it all alone? Yes, I need You. Yes, I need the Spirit, to show me Jesus.

I feel so held back. By my self, by my weaknesses and infirmities; by my tiredness, by my fears, by my stubborness. But also by others whom I have supposed to be Your church. I feel cut off from Your family. So lost. I can't make church happen.

I want to be part of Your body. Not just part of a club or system of programs or an institution. And Father, You have released me from that. But now I feel like I'm wandering around alone. I don't know how to be part of the church without all those supporting structures I've been used to. Oh, I know the theory. And I do experience You and Your family sometimes, in surprising ways. And yes, thank You for that!

But so few people seem to understand where I am at. And the more I am in this wandering place, the more I suspect that there must be, after all, a structure to the church. Something that holds it together and gives it meaning. It has to be Jesus, right? Jesus, the Center, the Head, the One who creates and then holds all things together.

Oh Jesus, I do want to know You. I want to know You and be centered on You for myself, of course. But more, I want to know You as the foundation, the ground, the shepherd, the head of Your church, Your family, Your body. I believe it is possible. But I can't make it happen. And I feel so alone. And useless.

I really do want to be an active, integral, useful part of Your church, Your family, Your body. But without getting all caught up again in religious frameworks and "business" and stuff. Your church is not a business. I cannot go there again.

There's a tear tricking down my cheek as I write this. Maybe it's just because it's early morning and my eyes are tired and kind of sore. But maybe it's really because my heart is sore.

I am sad. I am feeling the last few days as though the great sadness I've gone through the past while, which I was so sure You've been healing me from, is creeping back over me. And I am scared. I don't want more meds, Lord. I just want YOU. Whatever that means and whatever it entails.

I just want to take a little nap. Maybe stop talking long enough to rest in You. And maybe even hear Your still small voice a bit? Dear God? Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit? Whichever? Or all? Or?

I don't know how to be connected to You, Jesus

2011-02-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

(This is post 4 in a series that started here).

So I was just wondering, "Is it possible to become so centered on Father (and/or on Your Spirit) that one can kind of miss out on Jesus?"

I mean, it's pretty easy to "know" another human being for a long time, and then to suddenly realize that there's a whole part(s) of that person that you really don't know at all. And to feel lonely, pushed away, locked out by that person, even in a supposedly close relationship with him or her.

But You don't lock us out, do You? Maybe we lock ourselves out? Maybe we feel that You are so great that we are afraid to take on more than a little bit of You. So we kind of create an image of You for ourselves that we feel more comfortable with. Or maybe we just avoid going deeper because we think it will take too much effort. Maybe we don't want to lose ourselves in the process of coming into knowing You, and coming into oneness with You. Maybe we are just confused, with all the things we've been taught about You over the years by different people, and it seems impossible and exhausting to really get to know You, love You, obey You, follow You.

What if I've been going down rabbit tracks all this time? What if the "gospel" I've been believing and teaching isn't the true gospel. What if it isn't You? I'm trying to tell myself that it's a journey, and I've just not experienced all of it yet. But what if the road is narrow, and either I've not found it (You - the Way) at all?

Dear Jesus, how do I center on You? Do I, even? What does it mean? You centered on Father. And I've tried to follow Your example, by centering on, knowing, Him too. But maybe I can't really know Him until I know You? Didn't you say that, or something like that?

I feel lost. I feel separated from You, Jesus. I don't even know how to be connected to You. What if I just screw up again?

Jesus calls me. To Himself, the center. But?

2011-02-19T14:43:00.000-08:00

(This is post 3 in a series that started here).

So I asked to be awakened early, if that's what God wanted. To be with Jesus. To get to the Living Answer. To even be changed by Him (oh I wish).

And yes, He has been waking me. I don't wake up full of energy like that woman in the story. Very often I wake very tired. My body and mind protest. I yawn. I groan and pull the blankets around me and wish to go back to sleep. Sometimes - far too often - I do. But again and again He calls me. Gently. Fills me with longing for Him. One day I wrote, "I am talking to, speaking with, You. And yes, knowing You are here with me. Really sensing Your Presence. Knowing You are listening. Nodding. Smiling. Encouraging me to continue. You draw me to You. Like I'm sitting at Your feet, having a real conversation with You."

"I want to hear from You. Clearly. Really, really wanting. To hear Your voice. To be led by You. My shepherd, pastor, teacher, Lord, King, Elder Brother, Counselor. Father, Holy Spirit, Jesus. My God."

"To be honest, I am scared to ask, but, do You have a word just for me, right now, here, today, this moment? (Am I even special enough for that? Have I failed You too much, too often? Am I even smart enough? What about that I am 'just a woman' thing?)"

And I hear His voice. "My child, I love you. Come all the way to Me. Give up everything else. Trust My Love. That's all."

I want to. It sounds so simple. So wonderful. Jesus at the center. It must be what I've been missing out on.

But. Isn't Jesus for children? (Well, okay, and for grown-up people too, to "get saved." But then aren't we supposed to go on to "deeper things?" Aren't we?)

Oh. I am a child, right? God's child. So okay. But children need tough love, don't they? Children are self-centered, right? I know I'm self-centered, for sure. You have been working on my "self" for years. But still, have I really "died to my self"? I don't know. I certainly don't think I have been centered on Jesus. More likely I've been centered on things like theology and churchianity. And on me.

Okay, listen. I have really encountered Father recently. And Your Spirit, too. But I'm not so sure about You, Jesus. I've been astounded by Father's love (amazing, after years of fearing the whole father image). So. I'm also wondering: is it possible to become so centered on Father (and/or on Your Spirit) that one can kind of miss out on Jesus?

30 days of me

2011-02-19T11:06:00.000-08:00

I've taken up the "30 days of me" challenge over at my Conversations, Reflections and Meditations blog. Check out today's post (day 5) here, and while you're there, learn more about me by checking out the other posts and pictures. And be sure to check out the rest of the website, too!

Here are a couple hints about today's post!

Jesus the living answer. But still lacking connection.

2011-02-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

(This is post 2 in a series that started here)
So one day I was reading Joshua 1:8, about meditating on "this book of the Law" and doing "all that is written in it." And then thinking about how in Galatians Paul tells us Jesus fulfilled the law and freed us from it. And I wrote, "If the law was completely fulfilled in Jesus, we really are in a totally new way. Jesus Himself - the Way, the Truth, the Life." But then I got befuddled again. "I know, Father, that You are with me wherever I go, and never forsake me. But is it because of Jesus' sacrifice? Or because You are love? Or because I meditate on Your Law?" I wrote and wrote. Questions. Puzzlement. Intellectualizing, again. And then, strangely enough, a quote from The Shack popped into my mind. Something Jesus says, in the story. "Mack, you don't need to have it all figured out. Just be with me."

So I looked in that book again. (The one some of my dearest friends tell me is heresy. Well, it's a book. And being written by a human, no doubt it has its problems. Don't we all? Still, God speaks in unexpected ways. Best to be careful about our labels). And I read where Sarayu (Holy Spirit, the One who points us to Jesus) says, "The Bible... is a picture of Jesus. While words may tell you what God is like and even what he may want from you... Life and living is in him and in no other... rules will never give you answers to the deep questions of the heart and they will never love you... religion is about having the right answers, and some of the answers are right. But I am about the process that takes you to the living answer and once you get to him, he will change you from the inside." That got me excited.

But life whizzed by. A month plus later, I wrote, "I've been so lonely for You. And yet, just seem unable to really make any serious connection. Afraid actually. Afraid of starting and ending in failure. Afraid that I am too old, too tired, too out-of-date, too mommy/ grandma/ woman." Then I read a blog post. The writer, a woman, said she wanted time alone with Jesus. But no matter how she tried, she couldn't find time. A friend told her, "Just ask." She did. She thought the only practical time would be early morning, but that she'd be too tired. So she prayed, asking Jesus to wake her if He wanted. And He did. And gave her the energy. For the past 25 years. So I thought, "Well, it wouldn't hurt for me to ask." So I did.

What about Jesus? Wanting more.

2011-02-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know "the facts," historical and doctrinal. Yes, I have believed in Jesus, accepted Him. Yes, I love Him. But despite years of being able to say those things, I have always felt something is missing. Like I have been longing for something to do with Him, but not sure what it is. And lately, that longing has been growing.

In October, I wrote in my journal: "Maybe Father is stripping, burning away, things in our lives that we have gotten so focused upon that they come between us and Him. I really have thought I have been centering on Jesus - or at least on Father. I'm still having a bit of confusion about how the Father-Jesus-Spirit Godhead works out in relationship with Him/Them. I have also had a long-held presupposition that "being a good Christian" equals being an intellectual Christian. I know that walking with Jesus in relationship, which includes reasoning but is so much more, is key. But I still have this fear that if I'm not primarily an "intellectual Christian" I won't be a "good Christian" and won't be useful, or approved either, to God."

A bit later, I wrote, "Oh, please dear God, help me to walk where You walk, see what You see, do as You do. Please. I want to hear You, speak to You, do Your will for me, share with and live with Your family, be a servant like Jesus. I want to "practice Your Presence." I want to know You, love You, obey You, serve You. I love You, Lord. Thank You for loving and forgiving me. Thank You, Jesus, for dying for my sins." And yes, I mean that. But.

Another day, I wrote, "Father, I do need to sing with others. And pray with others. And share You with others. And "break bread" with others. And share my life, my walk with You, with others in (and out) of Your family. Daily." I thought for a moment that maybe what I need is to be part of a new, different, "better" church group. But there is something more, something deeper and wider and more foundational that I am somehow missing. Something my dreams and wishes, and organizing my projects and getting busy on them, and even real participation in the church of Jesus can't fill up.

A couple weeks later I wrote, "I'm getting less interested in doctrinal "issues," and more and more longing to just know Jesus, know Father, hear and flow with the Holy Spirit. I've been discouraged by the pettiness and infighting I see on so many fronts (Arminianism/Calvinism, church structures and non-structures, postmodernism/traditionalism). Today, in the comments following a blog posting today by a guy who just said he wants to really KNOW God, there developed a huge flaming, by some readers, about Christ's deity. I, like him, was sad to see that. I do not want to get caught up in all that other STUFF."

(More, later).

what I am up to

2011-02-14T17:24:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting much here (but I am working on a new "pages" section of the blog entitled "My Church Journey - being the church." You can check it out by clicking on the link at the top of the blog. More to come, but it's definitely started.)

I am working a lot more on a couple other sites. I have pretty much "gutted" my Pen and Paper Mama site, and though you probably can't tell by just looking, I've been doing a lot of background work on it.

At my Conversations, Reflections, and Meditations site, I have added a blog. Since the site is especially about my family (and our Haida connection), and also my stories and writing, starting today and for the next month, I will be doing the "30 days of me" blog challenge. Today of course is day one. Do feel free to check it out.

Over at the Another Chance Street Ministry site, I've continued to work on changes, and updates. Yesterday I took a whole slew of pictures, so keep an eye on the site and on the blog to see what we're up to.

I have actually written a couple of new "church journey" posts for this site, but they are queued up for editing first. I am seriously trying to keep my posts short and concise.

Christian cussing!

2011-02-11T09:04:00.000-08:00

Over at The Ekklesia in Southern Maine, Dan Allen has launched a Christian cuss word contest. The questions he asks are:

Do you have fond memories of your first car? Did it inspire you to cuss up a storm (Christian or otherwise)?

Well, I started to answer in the comments, but as usual, my storytelling got away on me, and my answer was much too long for a simple comment. So I've just left a teaser over there, and directed folks to come here for the rest of the story. Here it is. Enjoy!

When I was in grade 12 (1973), our province initiated "scholarship exams" in which those students who chose to do so, could write special final exams in grade 12 academic subjects, and if they got high enough marks, they would be awarded a $200 scholarship cheque.

Of course they were assuming we'd use it for our higher education, but when I got my cheque, I bought my first car, a sweet, pure, white 1964 slant-six Valiant. That little vehicle could go and go and go. Gas was 50 cents a gallon, and I spent $2 a week on gas, and $10 a year on insurance. Other than oil changes, which I did myself, and a set of new tires, the only other money I spent on her was $4 for a used gas tank from the wrecker after her gas tank rusted out. She took myself and my friends everywhere, on- and off-road (we called her a tank in disguise).

My only problem was that my brother hated to ride in the passenger seat while his sister drove. Very hard on his manly dignity, especially when the car was packed with all his buddies. And packed it often was, as there were no seat-belt laws. So whenever he got the chance, he'd twist my arm to let him drive.

Anyway, as we were a fairly "Christianly" group, unused to cussing, my little Valiant had been pretty much spared choking on blue air. One particular night, we all piled into her, and drove down the valley to a "Christian coffee house" (very popular in the early 70s) in another community. We hung out there until midnight or so, and then piled back in her to head home. My brother had begged to drive, till I finally gave in.

Now that he was the man, in the driver's seat, the power went to his head, and he started to show off, driving like a maniac. All his buddies were howling and cheering him on. We came to a major intersection, deserted at that time of night, and my brother took my poor little car into the center of that intersection and spun her round and round, her tires smoking, rubber sticking to the road. Finally she squealed to a halt.

I flung open the passenger door, leaped out, and stared with dismay at my poor little car's now much balder tires. I ran around to the driver's side, flung the door open, and ordered my brother out. He refused. I grabbed him and pulled with all my might. He stumbled out of the car, and we stood there in the disapating blue smoke of the tires. I yelled at him. He yelled at me. The guys in the car hooted. I demanded the keys. He glared at me, then stretched out his arm, and flung the keys far off into the darkness.

And then he started cussing at the top of his voice. Not just the minor little Christian-youth-group slang we sometimes daringly tossed around, but real, nasty, scary swear words. They poured out, one after another, finally culminating in the *f* word. The air was blue, blue, blue!

And suddenly there was silence. No one spoke. Everyone held their breath. My poor little car quivered in pain. Head hanging down, my brother eventually slunk around to the passenger door and got in. I searched around in the darkness and finally found the keys. Getting in the driver's seat, I gently started her engine, and pulled carefully out of the intersection, and drove my poor baby home. No one spoke a word the entire way. And we never mentioned the incident.

Years later, when my brother had become a youth pastor, and his kids were in their late teens, and drivers themselves, I told them the story. They thought it was hilarious. My brother, however, was not amused. But that's another story for another day.

What book has changed your life?

2011-01-30T14:24:00.000-08:00

I belong to a local writers and publishers group in my community. Along with our monthly gatherings, we also communicate with each other in an ongoing way through our e-group. From time to time, folks post questions to stimulate discussion. This is my response to a recent set of questions, which I happen to have posted a couple weeks ago. I wrote to the e-group:

Inspired by Bob's quick response, I thought it is time I should post some thoughts of my own to these questions asked recently:

"So PWAP members.... how about you? What book or books have really changed your life? Why? Have you experienced a let down when other people don't agree with your choices? What do you do when that happens? Why do you think it happens?"

When I wrote this question originally, I admit I had already had a whole list of books and other literature in mind, myself. For example: Jane of Lantern Hill (LM Montgomery), Secret Garden (FH Burnett), CS Lewis's fiction series (Narnia; and especially his science fiction trilogy) and also some of his other non-fiction works, Pilgrim's Progress, Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence), Gulliver's Travels, Alice in Wonderland, a couple of anthologies of classic essays, my thick two-volume anthology of English Literature, my Canadian literature anthology, certain poems (Wilfred Owen's "Dulce et Decorum est", works by William Blake, Shakespeare, ee cummings, Robert Frost), ...

Actually, the list itself could fill a book, I realized. So I had to sit down and think, "What ONE book has most changed my life? And do others like it as much as I do, or do they dislike it? Would talking about that book get strong reactions, positive or negative or otherwise? What book would fill that spot?" And then I knew. So here (with a bit of trepidition, I admit) I present you my personal life-changing book.

Personally, I would have to say that the Bible has had the most influence in my life. I was brought up in a very Bible-centered-church-culture and by the time of my mid-childhood years I could, rather smugly, rattle off endless Bible stories and facts (and a certain amount of theological Q&As) very easily. I also had by that time memorized large passages from the book. I attended church-based children's clubs and had dozens of badges and awards to my credit.

I assumed I "believed" the book, though my belief at that point was mainly a rather naively unquestioning acceptance that what others told me was "true". You might say that I believed, in theory, and in the interpretation and application of the particular "culture" I was brought up in, but that it really hadn't gotten ahold of me personally in any significant way. But by the time I was about 10 or 11 years old, I was beginning to question, and that changed things for me. It has been changing things for me ever since. I could go on and on (and you can read more about it, if you are so inclined, in an article here: http://www.penandpapermama2.com/cwrite/cw_05.html
and on one of my blogs, here: http://normajhill.blogspot.com/), but I want to get to the point here.

As I grew older, read widely, watched film, went on to university, and generally observed the world around me, I was constantly amazed at the influence this book has had on our western civilization (and on world events, for that matter). It's influence is found everywhere, often in surprising and distinctly varied ways, in literature, in music (ever really listen to lyrics from Led Zeppelin and other groups of that era?), in our laws and justice system, in history and philosophy and politics and on and on - in the past, yes, but also very much in the present, even in a supposedly scientific, secular, postmodern world.

Also, as I grew older, I came to realize more and more that not everybody agrees about the contents of this book - to put it mildly! I wonder if any other book has influenced the history of mankind, and our interactions with each other and with the world we live in, more than this book. I have also come to personally understand what this book means when it says of itself that it is a "living word." Like all truly great books, it really does influence people and change their ways of thinking and living, even thousands of years after it has been written. It has principles that transcend historical periods and distinct cultures and particular geographical places and features. Countless numbers of people have not read the book itself, and would even vehemently say they don't believe in any of it, but watch their actions, listen to what they say about life, and you will very often see its influence on them, though they do not recognize it.

More than that, though, for myself (and for many others), this book has become a truly "living word" because it has introduced me to vital, living relationship with the One who is the Living Word.

Now this line of discussion is about life-changing books, and as I have answered the first part of the question, I am going to end here. Regarding the rest of the questions, briefly, yes, I know there are a lot of people who disagree with my choice. Yes, there have been times in the past when I have been disappointed by folks' reactions, but not so much any more. I have come to the point where I am not so concerned about the book itself. I am far more interested in the relationship with the One whom it has pointed me toward.

.... Okay, your turns, PWAP members! What book(s) have changed your life?

.... And if you want to discuss my choice ... let's do it face to face! Starbucks or Timmy's or Fibonacci's anyone? :-)

Changing education - or church? - paradigms

2011-01-30T07:53:00.000-08:00

I am pretty sure that the points made in this RSA Animate video about education, apply almost equally to churchianity.

What do you think?

The gospel according to the gospels

2011-01-25T10:37:00.000-08:00

The other day I wrote a post "What is the gospel?"

Today I read a post that has a very helpful answer. It summarizes a series of posts about the gospel as taught by Jesus, in the books we call the "gospels" - Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

You can read this excellent summary, Gospel in the Gospels, at Jon's Journey. Then, of course, you'll want to go back to the previous posts in the series to read all the details.

crisis of faith?

2011-01-19T16:47:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have a "crisis of faith"?

Today I was reading Matthew 7:13-23 and ended up with tears rolling down my cheeks. I think that some doubts and wonderings that I've had over the years, but buried, because 1. they scared me, and 2. I was confused about conflicting doctrinal points I've encountered, and 3... well, mostly, yes, I was scared! ... anyway, they just all suddenly burst out!

It's an interesting chapter. Verses 7 to 11 are so encouraging. Father giving good gifts to His children and all. And then verses 13-23... well, here's how they "hit me" (as I wrote in my journal):

Am I the only one who finds this passage really disturbing? Sometimes it really worries me about ME.

First, if some Calvinists I've encountered are right, and only some are "chosen" (and others have no chance), then what if someone really WANTS to believe in and follow Jesus... and even really believes they are... but what if that person isn't among the "chosen" ones (and who can know that for sure?)... what if all that's person's longing and trusting is for naught?

Second, if some Arminians I've encountered are right, the ones that are so big on "backsliding" ... well, what if a person has maybe been misled by false prophets, and doesn't even know they have been misled? What if they really love the Lord, and are following Him with all their might (at least they believe they are), and then they get to the judgment and find out that it was all "Lord, Lord" and they got off the track along the way?

Third, what if someone - okay, what if I! - look at myself right here, right now, and don't see evidence of "fruits" in my life? What if, for example, I can't list off a bunch of people who I know I personally led to the Lord (seeing as that seems to be the number one "fruit" in a lot of folks' opinion). Or if I'm not all involved (like I used to be) in a whole bunch of church activities and programs (another big time fruit, in some peoples' opinion). Or what if I'm not "bold" at telling people the gospel? Or I don't seem to be reaching out to my neighbors, even the ones right in my neighborhood/complex, even though I try and try (and then kind of give up because nothing happens)? Or if I feel rejected by past "church friends" but then realize I haven't been trying very hard to reach out to them myself? Or what if the depression I've recently gone through is really a sign of lack of faith, like some folks say?

And what if I actually don't seem to be bearing (so far as I can see) either good or even bad fruit? Does that mean I'm "lukewarm" (as in Revelation 3:14-22)?

Well, by the time I got to writing the last few lines, I really did have tears rolling down my cheeks. Feeling so discouraged. Feeling hopeless. Even feeling like surely I have let God down! (Yes, I know, that isn't theologically sound...)

And suddenly, hubby (who did not see my tears), called to me to ask me to go to the store and get something for him. Like I wanted to go to the store with tears rolling down my cheeks. But it was kind of an emergency, so I went. I got what he needed, and as I was on the way to the till, I passed a display of my absolute favorite kind of chocolate bar (which is usually hard to find around here, and is more expensive than most) on special: 3 bars for 99 cents!

And the weirdest thing happened. Father was smiling. I wouldn't say I "saw" Him or anything. But I knew He was smiling. And He kind of chuckled and said, "Remember, your Heavenly Father gives good gifts to His children!" (Okay, so I didn't "hear" that out loud or anything ... but I heard it nevertheless.) And so I picked up 3 bars!

I took the other stuff home to hubby, and then grabbed the camera, because today was the most totally amazing beautiful sunny winter day ever, and I went to the beach, and clicked and clicked (and nibbled on one of the bars, of course). Heavenly sunshine! Beautiful creation! Mouthwatering chocolate (what? you don't think Father's gifts include chocolate?)!?!

Even the seagulls were wheeling with joy! And Father is smiling! Yes!

(And then I went to the library and got some books about a project He's been gently pushing my way... and I've been hesitating because of all my wonderings and discouragement and stuff. Onward! Thank You, Lord!)

what is the gospel?

2011-01-18T14:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, so amid my rambling questions and wonderings yesterday, I was wondering about the gospel - and about Jesus at the center of it. And what that ends up meaning in living the life of Christ.

Today has been a day of Father sending along a lot of answers (and some challenges that make me wonder even more).

In relation to the gospel, Lionel Woods asked "Sooo... what's the gospel again?" He spoke of how the gospel often seems to disappear into a "a list of facts/beliefs/cognitive recognition." Yes, oh yes, I can certainly relate to that. Then he goes on to say this about the gospel:

Any Gospel that does not carry with it the obligation to love your neighbor as yourself (also your brother) is not a Gospel of the scriptures. Let me say that again… any Gospel that lacks the obligation to love is not a real Gospel.... The Gospel isn’t a list of facts the Gospel is a person who we are now in and now lives in us good works seems to be an essential component and the work of love the greatest of these.

(Now if you are already suffering signs of a heart attack, I don't recommend you read the rest of the post. Or maybe you really do need to read it! You might want to sit down first... It kind of sounds like something from the Sermon on the Mount. Sometimes it's a good thing to read in new words and new examples, the old words we've heard over and over, and have assumed we understand them, and believe them, and follow them. But maybe we don't.)

By the way, one of the commenters, Hutch, added this:

... the gospel does not just come with an obligation to love, when embraced it actually imparts the internal motivation and divine enabling to love God, neighbor and enemy through the indwelling presence of the Spirit of Christ/Holy Spirit.

And Detroit added:

Articulation doesn’t mean belief.... That there has to be some power to change and cause you to love and seek what is right. If there is no power I question whether you have believed the true gospel. I believe the reformation may have brought about a denial of the power that must be associated with the gospel because of the great intellectual and theological awakening.

Yes, and yes.

(That's one thing I really love about blogs. The body of Christ having the opportunity to edify, encourage, build up, share, discuss what Father has been teaching them. Hopefully without flaming. Hopefully in love... like the gospel, you know.)

Never Give up Wanting to Understand More

2011-01-18T13:51:00.000-08:00

What a day! Yesterday I was questioning, wondering, even being discouraged....

And today, Father sent along so many answers, encouragement, direction!

At Ceruleun Sanctum, Dan Edelen wrote about Making Sense of Confusing Christian Voices. I'm pretty sure that if you read my posts from yesterday, you'd probably say that for sure I am one of those confusing voices :-) Or perhaps more accurately, mine was a confused voice. :-(

Anyway, by the time I finished reading the post, I was considerably encouraged, especially to know that being confused is, well, part of the journey. A journey that lots of other folks are on, too.

But Dan explains it way better than I do. Here are a couple of examples; you'll absolutely want to check out the full post for yourself.

Recognize that each of us is on a journey of faith—and we have not yet arrived at journey’s end....

Your story and mine are not yet complete. The final chapter hasn’t been written, nor all the events played out. We’re still journeying through the narrative of our lives.

And that journey is being orchestrated by God Himself. ....

Since God is writing our story, since He is planning our journey, we can be at peace with incompleteness if we allow God to do His work in our lives....
Here’s a reality check: Every famous Christian you and I admire, every pastor, every teacher, every author, all of them are flawed. None are or were fully complete this side of heaven. Each was someplace along that pathway that defines the journey of faith, and the likelihood is that their stations along the way will not always align with ours....

How arrogant we can be when we judge by our standards rather than nurture by God’s!...

Make peace with paradox, mystery, and the dim mirror, but never give up wanting to understand more....

It’s okay not to know it all. God is not going to slay us if we can’t resolve some of the paradoxical or mysterious aspects of the Christian faith. He’s not going to keep us out of heaven if we don’t understand the nuances of infralapsarianism. You and I can rest assured that even if we don’t fully get it, God does, and that’s just fine....

In Romans 1 we read that men are without excuse before God because of the revelation inherent in the created order. When we look at the world around us, it speaks of God.

That should blow our minds. That it doesn’t blow the minds of some Christians is one reason why people lose their ability to wonder. And wonder is an essential part of faith that keeps us from falling into easy arguments....
I think the greatest fear in those who ask the questions that start this post is that God is somehow not good enough to protect them and keep them unto salvation and knowledge of Him.

But God does love you and me....
He will never leave us or forsake us. He is faithful when we aren’t. He loves us even when we see through a dim mirror and miss our turn on the path. He will see us through to the end.

Do we believe that? If we do, then we will not fear, even when the voices around us grow confusing....
I hope this helps.

It sure has helped me. Thank you, Dan. Oh, and don't forget to read the rest of the post.

Jesus at the center

2011-01-18T13:07:00.000-08:00

In my recent posts, I've been talking about how I've been coming to a new understanding and relationship with Jesus - and how I'm also seeing Him more and more as being at the center of the church.

I'm afraid my ramblings haven't been very clear, because I'm in the midst of kind of stumbling toward this understanding. So I was very happy to read a post by Josh at Called To Rebuild in which he writes about Christ The Key Ingredient.

You really will want to read the whole post, but here are a few key points:

You see, we can talk till we’re blue in the face about the church-what is the church, how should we do church, what makes a church, ect. (and not that I don’t think these are valid issues to consider, especially as God gives us practical light on these matters)-but in the end none of it will matter unless it is born out of an inward revelation of the greatness and preeminence of Jesus Christ.

For me, it wasn’t until I began to see Christ revealed in my heart in such ways that I’d never seen Him before-greater, more vast and all-inclusive… and not until I began to know His headship in a living way over my own life that I began to find a unity with other brothers and sisters that transcended our racial, social, and religious differences and gave birth to a living experience of the Body of Christ among us.

True love, like anything else, flows out of Christ. It’s not until a group of people begin to touch the Lord together that true love begins to well in their hearts for one another.

This isn’t something you can just teach into existence. It is born out of the mutual experience of a group of people who are pursuing and finding Christ together. Nothing else.

Yes. That is what I am looking for, longing for.

Thanks for the post, Josh.

encouragement: not alone!

2011-01-18T12:59:00.000-08:00

My last few posts have running through them a sense of loneliness and wondering.

This morning I was encouraged by a post by Bobby Auner at Destructing Neverland.

Bobby wrote: "Things aren't moving along as quickly as I expected or hoped. I have been starving for community with folks that love Jesus and thinking about joining back with the house churching families sometime soon." I could sure relate to that!

Then he quoted Eric, who reminded him of missionaries who work for many years before seeing any conversions, but they keep trusting God, and following Him no matter what. And he also quoted Jeff,
who spoke of those who sometimes feel "exiled" and lost and lonely, when they cannot in good conscience belong to traditional gatherings of the church. Jeff's post speaks of how God has provided fellowship in the blogosphere, for many of us who are at that place in our journey.

That encouraged me, too, because I am following all three of these blogs, and truly they (and many others) have been an ongoing encouragement, and source of fellowship, for me. Yes, I also find myself wishing for more face-to-face fellowship, and I know that will come. But what a blessing you all have been meanwhile! (And someday we will all meet face-to-face! yes!)

One last note for today.... hearing Your voice, maybe?

2011-01-17T17:55:00.000-08:00

I don't even know for sure, anymore, what "being a Christian" entails, as far as expectations, and what I am "supposed to do" and all. I mean, I feel like all the old "certainties" have been pulled out from under me. And I'm floating, wobbling, in mid-air. Not in danger of crashing per se, because I KNOW You are with me and are holding me up. You ARE with me. That I KNOW. But beyond or beside that?

Or is there any "beyond" or "beside"?

Is that the point?

Just YOU? Is that the point? Stop looking for someone's framework to hold onto? Stop trying to create my own framework (that inevitably causes me to lose sight of You, as I try to build to suit my own perceived needs and desires)?

Then where does Your family even fit in? Do I need to let that go, too? I mean, let go worrying about church? Trying to build, improve, fix it. Yes, the very idea seems, well, heretical. Dangerous. Very lonely.

Isn't being all involved in, committed to, actively doing church (oops...) what being a Christian is all about? Oh. No?

YOU are what it's all about, Jesus. Of course. I mean, I know that. "The church of Jesus Christ." I've always known it, though I've often lost sight of it. Or maybe I've lost sight of You too often. Maybe I just haven't really gotten sight of You...?

But without church to hold my Christianity up? I mean, oh dear, to hold You up, Jesus Christ? Don't You need us? Aren't we important? Essential? (Central? oh oh dear).

However will the world be reached, how will morality be protected, how will we have "good government" (etc etc etc) ... without us?

What? You don't NEED us (though You certainly love us, and choose us to be in active relationship with You, fulfilling Your purposes...)? Really? Are You sure You could save the world (truly save it, a lot better than we do) without us? How could that be? (Yes, of course I am being sarcastic. At myself. For not seeing this before. I mean, in a way I have seen before about the failures of "the church" as a general group/organization/institution ... but I really didn't see (maybe didn't want to) myself wanting to make the church succeed - in the ways that I think it should . After all, I do want to be NEEDED (and useful. And appreciated. And not alone).

Maybe this recent period of feeling useless and unneeded by my biological family has been a good thing. Coming to realize that I am still loved, am still me, still "mom" at heart ... and that's enough. Being part of the family without having to "do" certain things, fulfill certain roles I've always believed are "mine". Just able to be part of the family. Participate in whatever ways come up. Even just enjoy sitting in the grandma rocking chair, lol!

And so with You and Your body, Your church, Your family. Knowing that I am loved (by You - and them. And that I can just love You and them too). That I am part of the family. That I can just wait and see what You are up to, where You are taking the family, and then fit in wherever and whenever You beckon.

(Instead of trying to make everything fit my wishes and expectations)

Amen. Thank You, Lord.

feeling lost and alone from Your family

2011-01-17T17:20:00.000-08:00

There have been a lot of blog posts out there lately about folks wandering in the post-traditional-church wilderness. I'm afraid I'm definitely there, myself.

And I'm wondering, Father, if a lot of my wonderings and questionings lately, are from being often so alone.

Like... dear God, Father, how do I get to know Your Son and truly follow Him, get centered on Him? How do I do it when I'm feeling so alone?

Yes, of course I have You. That's awesome! That's wonderful! On the one hand, I feel as though that should be enough. More than enough!

BUT I need Your church, too. Don't I? Don't we need each other?

I've felt so cut off lately. Of course partly I was unwell for a long time, and couldn't get out much. So maybe I've been held back. By my self, my weaknesses, my tiredness, my fears, even my stubbornness.

But maybe also by others in Your body, whom I have, well, depended on. Depended on to do what I think the church should do for me (oh dear)?

Father, You know how much I have loved the "street family." I loved that I could serve by boiling eggs and baking and stuff. Only thing is, fewer people seem to come these days (well, of course it is winter...). And they don't seem so, well, grateful, as they once did. (Oh dear. Again.). And there seem to be undercurrents of disagreements... And we hardly ever sit down together and really spend time with You as a group, like we did before. (Am I the only one who misses that? What does that mean? Oh dear, yet again. My one pointing finger seems to have 3 fingers pointing back at me. Maybe this is MY problem after all?) Oh God, please help us. Please help ME.

Father, You know all about how cut off I was feeling from my biological family. My parents both died recently, and I lost my "daughter" role. And my siblings are busy with their own families, and I feel pretty alone, sibling-wise (well, except for my sister, bless her !). And my four daughters have all grown, and moved, and have families of their own, and my son, my youngest has moved out now too. You know how terribly cut-off I felt the past while. But You've been really helping me to adjust, I think, to my changing functions and roles in my biological family. I'm seeing more and more that I'm still a part, still needed and loved (and useful!). But just in different ways. So that's good.

But I feel so lost right now from Your family. From Your church. Yes, from the street family, but also from the "church in this city" and, oh yes, from the "churches" that I have "attended" in the past. I miss Your people. In the street church, people grow in You, and move on to new things. That's good, right? And the folks from those "churches" in my past? A few are still good friends (but most of them don't live close by, and even those who do, are so busy). It does seem that if we no longer have "X church" in common, we just don't have anything in common. Kind of like "friendships" in most jobs. (And yes, I'm guilty of this too). (Oh dear, oh dear).

Oh. And I do not seem to know how to reach out and "love my neighbors" right here in my neighborhood. It was easier in a small town where people couldn't hide from each other (though for sure that had its own challenges, lol). But it seems like city people are so busy, busy, busy... and maybe hiding from each other, cocooning... maybe afraid... surely lonely! So why is it so hard to reach out?

Maybe I just need to stop talking, and questioning. Long enough to rest in You. And hear Your still, small voice. Dear God?

rabbit trails, the narrow way, and Jesus (the WAY)

2011-01-17T16:49:00.000-08:00

What if I've been going down a whole lot of rabbit trails all this time?

What if the "gospel" I've been preaching (proclaiming), teaching, believing isn't even the gospel (the good news Jesus brought). What if it isn't truth? What if it isn't You?

I'm trying to tell myself that this is a journey, and I've just not yet experienced it all (far from it!). But what if the road IS narrow, and I've spent more time on rabbit trails than on THE WAY (You, Jesus).

Dear Jesus, how do I center on You? Do I, even? What does it even mean?

You centered on Father while You spent those years here on earth among us. And I've tried to follow Your example, while centering on Him, knowing Him, too. But maybe I can't really know HIM until I really know YOU first?

I have been feeling lost. Feeling separated from You, Jesus. I have felt like I don't even know how to be connected to You.

What if I just screw up again? Go down some other way, some other rabbit trail?

Oh Father! I felt so incredibly secure in Your love. So secure, I guess, that I just kind of settled back and relaxed and, oh dear, maybe thought I'd arrived, and I'd made it. Maybe I've started to take You and Your love.... for granted?

I don't doubt Your love, at all. But I'm beginning to think maybe I've just started on this journey, this relationship with You. And that I have a long, long, long way to go. With You, all of You, each of You.

Just not sure how.

How to follow You? (It seemed a lot easier when there were rules to follow. And "leaders" to tell me what to do.... another post, perhaps, on that one...)

wonderings, about Jesus-at-the-center and giving up ourselves, and "beliefs"

2011-01-17T16:32:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to be so centered on Father (or on You, Holy Spirit), to miss out on You, Jesus? I'm guessing yes.

I mean, it's pretty easy to know a human being for a long time, even think you know them well, and then to suddenly realize there's a whole part(s) of that person that you really don't know at all, right? (And to feel lonely, pushed away, locked out by that person, even while in a supposedly close relationship with him/her...

But You don't lock us out, do You? Maybe we lock ourselves out though? Maybe You are so great, so... well, GREAT... that we're afraid to take on more than a little bit of You (so we kind of create an image of You for ourselves that we feel more comfortable with. Or we just avoid going deeper because we feel overwhelmed and it's too much work, too much effort. And, oh yeah, maybe we don't want to lose our "selves" in the process of coming into knowing You. Am I even afraid of myself, me, being drawn too much into You?

In a book I read, the writer was kind of up in arms, because somewhere along the line he'd been taught that we have to give up ourselves, and he took that as meaning losing our identity. And maybe I've been afraid of that too. Do You want us to lose our identity? Is that part of "dying to self?" I'm kind of doubting that You'd want to do that, lose who we are, after creating us Yourself. Maybe we're just called to lose the "fallen" parts of our identity (as well as our self-centeredness). How do we know what those parts are, even? How much would that change me? Am I willing to be that changed? Is that what "losing/dying to myself, and being found/rising anew in You" is about? Or something else?

I used to be pretty sure about what I believed. I considered myself a teacher. I facilitated women's Bible studies, and led Sunday School and taught at a "Christian school."

Nowadays... "I KNOW WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED" but I'm a lot less sure of a lot of details about "beliefs."

Maybe I should just focus more on the KNOWING WHO (grow more in relationship with God!) and then the "knowing what and when and how and why" will begin to fall in place?

Father? Jesus? Holy Spirit?

wonderings, about Jesus-at-the-center

2011-01-17T15:53:00.000-08:00

Father, lots of people posting lately about about Jesus-at-the-center.

And from what I read, I certainly don't think I have really been centered on You, Jesus (shocking statement, eh...).

I don't even know if the "church" I've experienced over all these years has been centered on You, either. I mean, really centered on You. I'm not even really sure what that really means, to be centered-on-You, Jesus. (How could I have missed that? How could we have missed that? Missed YOU like that, Jesus?)

Probably I've been centered on "church" itself quite a lot. (Not to mention, being centered on me, first/most of all). (And centered on theology and some stuff like that as well).

Okay, here's a really big problem for me. I'm struggling to know how to know YOU. You, Jesus. Especially, where You fit in with the whole God-thing (is that a heretical statement?). What I mean is this.

When I was a little kid, it was "Jesus loves me." Seemed pretty simple to me, and even happy and joyful and wonderful. Easy to accept, without even questioning. And even relational too.

But I got the impression pretty early on, maybe too early on, that that was way too simple. Too childish. That "mature" believers believed in "God (Our Father in Heaven...)." And obeyed Him, of course. And studied theology a lot. And tried to be good and do good and all, to please God. And were mostly really serious folk who avoided being too happy and childish. (It didn't help that by my early teens I was having relationship problems with my earthly father, and therefore was skittish of any Heavenly-Father-relationship that You sometimes tried to introduce...).

And then, along the line, You bumped me into the Pentecostals. And I discovered that the Holy Spirit is a Person (more than just a theological concept, you know). I mean, that He's You, too. And that maybe, after all, it's okay to be happy and joyful. (Carefully, in my case. Because I was still trying to be mature and all). Yes, maybe it's even okay, even good, to be relational with You (kind of cautiously, in my case, but still. Relationship. Through the Holy Spirit, mostly. Big step!).

And then, quite recently, You sent along a book. A LOT of people have told me that book is heretical; I have even pretty much lost a good friend or two over it, sad to say, because of my being so sure You sent it along to me. I am sure, though, because through it, finally I met You, FATHER. I mean, as more than God (Heavenly Father). And I got a lot more comfortable with Your Holy Spirit (getting comfortable with You, less cautious, that was a big step too). And You, Jesus, You seemed a lot more REAL to me (but... see next paragraph!). And overall, I found out You - as a group, as God, but individually as well - really do love me. I experienced joy. Happiness. Relationship. Relationship! With You, Father. And with Your family, too, because that does come with You.

But I've struggled with relationship with You, Jesus. I mean, I believe in it, right? I believe in You, right? I've even experienced relationship with You, for sure. But what's this about You at the center? Like the blog post-ers are talking about? I mean, You are THE WAY, of course. But are You the destination as well? Is "Jesus loves me" okay after all? Maybe way more than okay? (And then, what about Father and Holy Spirit? The book shows You so clearly as individuals, and yet as One. Why is it so hard for me to understand? And what does it really mean to say that You are the center of the church, Jesus? And how does that fit it - or does it - with Your place in/as God? And in my relationship with You (each, and all)?

Is there something wrong with me? Do real Christians actually have these kinds of questions? Are we even allowed to wonder? And struggle? And not understand everything? (And, worst of all, admit it?) Or am I way off line?

Father? Jesus? Holy Spirit?
God?

(or anyone out there who'd like to try to answer?)

Wonderings, asked kind of fearfully

2011-01-17T14:45:00.000-08:00

To be honest, I have wondering that I'm scared to ask, Father.

But, well, ummm.... would You happen to have an answer for me? Right now, here, today? This moment?

I mean, well, am I maybe even special enough to You, for that?
Or have I failed You too much, too often?
Am I even "smart enough"?
What about the fact that I am "just a woman"?

(And if woman aren't meant to really hear from You, be led by You, to teach others, or whatever...
then why do You make us with those longings?

Okay, I know, yes, it does give us something to give up, to submit to, to DIE TO... to hand over to You... to lose forever... to die to, in order to GAIN YOU!) (Is that right?) (And maybe those longings are just me? Oh dear).

Sometimes I feel like a little kid who's been given a huge birthday present, in brightly wrapped paper, with a huge ribbon. And I've opened the box, and the gift was exactly what I've wanted and wanted. And all my little friends are crowded around, oohing and ahhing. And I'm so proud and happy and excited. (I even thought it must be from You, it's so wonderful. But...)

And then it's like You come along (I'm told it's You), and You reach out and pull my wonderful gift away, put it behind You, out of sight. And you stretch out Your hand, and offer me this tiny little box wrapped in ripped old newspaper, and I open it doubtfully. And it looks just, well, empty. And yes, I feel kind of disappointed, but You know, I'm not supposed to admit it, so I try to smile and say, thank You very much, I know I'll love it always. And You (it is You, right?) assure me that really it is a wonderful gift. That it's full of wonderful promises and other amazing (intangible) things. And if I trust You enough, someday I'll see them. "Just trust Me." And I nod my head. (But I'm kind of numb. And doubtful.) (Sorry.)

So, well maybe, You know, it would be easier if I didn't have to "give up" the treasured gifts I've already received. But (I'm told) the giving up, the dying-to, the end of clinging-to-plastic (I'm told that's all those other things really are, after all), is necessary. (Isn't it?).

Father, I have to tell You (though of course You already know, because Jesus came here and experienced it, right?)... it's kind of hard to do this giving up. I mean, we live in this here-and-now. We're so physical. And temporal. And "forever with You" is a strange thing for us. Or at least for me. It seems so impossible, intangible, untouchable, hazy, unbelieveable. (Am I wicked for wondering? I'm afraid probably so. Sorry. Again).

And yet we are born longing for it always (longing for forever with You), longing with all our being (even when we don't know that's what we're longing for).

Maybe my thinking is too earth-bound. (Or too doctrine-bound). (Or? Father?)

(Maybe I should just "praise the Lord" and all these questions will just disappear).

(The thing is, if I didn't trust You, if I didn't KNOW You, if I didn't know that YOU LOVE ME, then maybe I wouldn't even be asking these things; I mean, there wouldn't be any point, would there?) ( I'm pretty sure that is right!) (I think.)

Okay. Deep breath. I'm hitting the "publish" button now.

Lonely. And afraid. But hey! ...

2011-01-17T14:07:00.000-08:00

Father, You know I've been so lonely for You. And yet, I just seem unable to really make any serious connection.

Afraid, actually. Afraid of anything that takes energy, I guess. Afraid of starting anything that might end up in failure, or at least not get completed (because, You know, we MUST commit to things, and then we MUST complete them, no matter what).

Afraid that I am too old, too tired, too out-of-date, too mommy/grandma/woman. And that my brain won't be able to do what it takes, anymore. And that I might be wanting, daring, wishing to do something that, You know, women aren't supposed to do. :-(

But hey! Here I am, actually talking to You again. Maybe nothing profound. More like rambling, maybe. But for sure more than I've done for a long while.

Yes! Talking to, speaking with, YOU. And yes, yes, yes! KNOWING you are here with me. Really sensing Your Presence.

Knowing with certainty that You are listening. Nodding. Smiling. Maybe even making those little "mmm hmmm" responses that encourage me to continue. That actually draw me to You.

Like I am sitting at Your feet, having a real conversation with You. My Daddy! AND I am wanting to hear You, clearly. Really, really wanting to hear Your voice . To be led by You. My shepherd (my pastor!), my teacher, Father (Abba!), Brother, Counselor, Lord, King.

"And His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace"
"... the Way, the Truth, the Life"

My God. Thank You.

questions, questions, questions

2011-01-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

The summer I was 14 I went to my last year of CYC (Christian Youth Crusaders) kids' camp. I guess my constant stream of questions must have been a bit of a nuisance or something, because on the last night of camp, a group of the male counselors got up and sang a special - clearly directed at me.

"Further along you'll know all about it,
Further along you'll understand why.
Cheer up, dear Norma, live in the sunshine,
You'll understand it all by and by."

They adjusted the rest of the lyrics too, much to the amusement of the rest of the 285 campers, but sadly I only remember their version of the chorus. I did, however, look up the actual lyrics in the hymn book, and discovered that they included the following supposedly cheerful and hopeful exhortation:

"When we see Jesus, coming in glory,
When He comes from His home in the sky,
Then we shall meet Him in that bright mansion,
And we'll understand it all by and by."

Even then, I was not impressed. I wanted answers NOW. I didn't want to wait for "by and by."

I kept asking questions. Quite often they were not well received. I was often considered to be "challenging" those who were wiser and more mature in the faith than myself; and/or considered to be "disrespectful." (Or at least "lacking in faith.") I was even asked to remove myself from a Bible study group at one point, because I was "undermining the faith of new believers."

To be honest, sometimes I really was pushing peoples' buttons. Mostly because they were so sure they were right, and maybe that bugged me, especially since I personally found being certain like that to be very difficult to attain (though I could see the potential comfort in it). But most of the time, I really was asking honest questions.

You'd think (or at least some folks thought) that as I "matured in the faith" I would outgrow all that foolishness. That I'd accept and believe what was obviously right (as they believed), and that I'd just accept the difficult stuff "on faith." Well.

Forty years plus have passed, and I'm afraid I'm still asking questions.

This morning that chorus popped into my head, and I started singing it aloud. Hubby said, "Only trouble with that, is that when we reach the by-and-by, maybe our questions won't matter anymore."

Hubby rarely says anything about such matters. So I was startled. I guess he has a lot of questions himself. Maybe he's just wise enough not to ask them out loud. Though he did add that he spends a lot of time asking questions of Father. That surprised me too.

He also prayed for me, right then and there. Wow. Really, really... wow.

That's a pretty awesome answer to a whole lot of questions I've been asking Father for years and years. Maybe by-and-by starts here-and-now. And maybe Father brings answers in ways we'd not expect, from people we'd not expect. And even answering a lot more than we've been asking.

You think?

(And yes, I still have some questions...)

Top 10 of 2010!

2011-01-11T12:28:00.000-08:00

Wow! Today this blog - and especially the pages on street church - was selected by Dan Allen at The Ekklesia in Southern Maine as one of his list of "Top 10 of 2010" blogs. Dan wrote:

What I love most about her blog is reading about what she calls “the street church” which is a gathering she is part of with some of the homeless in her area. The stories are very powerful and convicting and I am glad that she has shared them with the rest of us!

It is a great honor to be on Dan's list. And as Dan mentioned, I too have frequently commented on his blog . Reading his posts has been encouraging, and I have learned so much about the church - the "ekklesia". You'll see what I mean, if you check out some of my comments and responses to his posts, by entering "the ekklesia in southern maine" in the search line of this blog.

And of course I highly recommend that you personally check out Dan's blog, The Ekklesia in Southern Maine - right now!

Thanks, Dan!

This week's thanksgivings!

2010-11-25T14:29:00.000-08:00

John H Armstrong, in his post "Thanksgiving", writes:

A friend of mine recently received counsel from a minister who had gone through a very, very hard time. The minister urged my friend to take time at the beginning of each day to list twenty items for true thanks. My friend says this practice has done as much as anything he has ever done to transform his mind and heart.

Some folks do a regular, once-a-week list, on their blog. Maybe a list of their favorite blog posts of the week, or of events in their life, or a list of birthdays of famous people for that week. I'm thinking, I really need to be more thankful. I have so much to be thankful for. So here starts my once-a-week-thankfulness-list (though maybe I'll not be sticking to "20"):

Things I'm thankful for in the past week:

My daughter and her 5 1/2 month old son came to visit us all the way from Alberta-land. We had a wonderful time.
While they were here, we had some great family times together with them and with another daughter, son-in-law, and their two kidlings (7 months, and 2 years), and our son, who live in our town.
I choked on my supper one night and swallowed a lot of liquid into my lungs. I couldn't breathe and choked, spluttered, up-chucked, got really scared. But my care-aide hubby used his first aid skills, and prayed, and I survived! Thanks to both my hubby and Father.
It's winter! And we have snow! Yes! yes! yes! :-)
I got a lovely warm pair of corduroy pants, perfect for this chilly weather (wind chill to minus thirty Celcius)
Five local churches have opened their doors to my street church family, feeding them and giving them a warm place to stay on these very cold nights.
I'm really beginning to feel ALIVE again these days after a long kind-of-dark period. And Father is opening my eyes more and more to how He wants me to walk in relationship with Him. Including this whole blogging experience. Wooh!
That long, kind-of-dark period, has taught me a lot about what it really means to rest in Father's love.
We have snow!!! Yay!!! Oh, did I say that already? Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Oh yeah!

Thank You, Father!

Happy thanksgiving all you American folks! Blessings!

what do I know and enjoy?

2010-11-25T14:01:00.000-08:00

What's my intent? What do I know and enjoy? Brainstorming time!

My problem, if it's a problem, is that I know and enjoy a lot of things. I've often said that I'm a "jill of all trades" though, perhaps unfortunately, that's kept me from mastering them. I've also developed a wide number of skills over the years, but I'm only going to list (in no particular order, btw) those that I truly enjoy doing! So...

What do I know and enjoy?

music: singing, piano, guitar
hobbies: sketching, embroidery, watercolor painting, sewing, gardening, woodworking, computer use
reading : widely! bible, fiction and non-fiction, poetry
writing : stories, poems, blog posts, prayers and meditations, journaling, NaNoWriMo, website content, articles and columns for newspapers and magazines, publishing newsletters and cookbooks
teaching : elementary and secondary, private and public schools (BEd in Secondary Social Studies (Geography) and Teacher-Librarianship; as well as teaching Home Economics, English, core French and more). Ladies' Bible Study groups. Tutoring: special needs students, home school students, ESL adults. Home-school mom, grades 1 to 10, very eclectic approach. I LOVE to find creative ways to meet learners' individual needs and learning styles.
interests : First Nations (especially Haida), simple church, learning disabilities, educational philosophy and methodologies, researching just about anything, life-long learning!
mom (and wife!) : 4 daughters and 1 son, foster children, neighbor children, 8 grandchildren (so far!), school teacher, Sunday School teacher, Girl Guide and Scout leader, babysitter ... I love kids! I love all the phone calls and emails I get asking for advice!
cooking and baking, planning and catering theme birthday parties
people : spending time together, helping, learning together, eating together, sharing life together, volunteering, being an active part of community groups
faith : relationship with Father and with His family; being the church together; living loved!
dreams : living in an intentional community; living in a cabin by the ocean; spending a couple years exploring North America, traveling about in a converted bus, meeting lots of people along the way!
simple living!

Obviously I'm never bored. But my websites and blogs have tended to be as eclectic as I am. I want to write. I love to write. And yes, I'd like to make money with that. In the past, I've done that to some degree by teaching writing skills, writing weekly newspaper columns, and having some of my stories and articles published in magazines, anthologies, and newsletters. I do have a personal website, and at least 4 blogs in various states of activity. I've studied very carefully how to make money on-line, but haven't actually started doing it.

Now I'm thinking a couple things:

I need to narrow my blogs (and website, too, probably) to particular topics
I need to EITHER choose one or two topics right now, and blog on them in a super focused way (maybe I'll even master them, lol); OR start half a dozen blogs, connected by some common thing (maybe my "penandpapermama" persona), and blog on them all fairly regularly (at least until I can see what I'm super-enjoying and what is really helping others!). I'm leaning to the latter.

What do you think?

What would YOU like to hear about, from my list above?

making money with my blog?

2010-11-25T13:54:00.000-08:00

Guest blogger Roman, on ProBlogger, writes about how two years ago he started a blog, howthiswebsitemakesmoney, to make money on-line. He hasn't been making a lot of cash on that blog, at least not yet, though he has learned a lot about blog-money-making-methods.

Disappointed by that blog, he decided, just for pure pleasure, to take the advice to "Create a site about what you know and enjoy." As he is living in Prague, and enjoying it a great deal, he started a blog about it, pragueczechtravel.com. As an afterthought, he offered, for $4 a shot, to send out hand-written postcards with scenes of Prague. This has turned out to be surprisingly successful! He also found writing this new blog to be very easy, compared to the howthiswebsitemakesmoney blog. Turns out people are grateful - and Roman's making money!

So what's his advice to wanna-be "make-money-online" bloggers?

"Intend to enjoy and you might make money"

Of course, making money is about traffic, clicks, affiliates, backlinks SEO, but it’s also about finding something you enjoy doing. If your intent is only to make money the odds are stacked against you: you will probably quit. But if your intent is to do something you enjoy then you will keep moving forward until one day, you will be surprised to find that you are making money.

"What’s your intent?"

What great advice! I'm going to take it! Watch for changes coming up! (As soon as I figure out my intent...)

6. Post Internet Reading Habits

2010-11-23T14:05:00.000-08:00

Recently, at Jesus Creed, Scot McKnight wrote a post called "Your Reading Habits Post Internet." He asked a series of important questions related to this topic. I have been thinking about this topic, and jotting down some notes. Here are my thoughts.

On memory: internet reading doesn’t ask us to remember; it remains there for us to bookmark. Real reading generates memory because it leads us into the world of an author and a story and a book that is interconnected to other books. Why remember when you can look it up?

Why indeed? I grew up in the dark ages when an important part of education was memorization. Long before I went to grade one (in the days before kindergarten was an established part of the education system), my mom taught us dozens of nursery rhymes. 50 plus years later I remember them clearly. And I taught them to my own children. Who are teaching them to their children. Though apparently such inter-generational passing-down is becoming an anomoly. Not to mention, scorned by those who see most nursery rhymes as decidedly un-PC.

Mom also read us the old-time children's stories. Cinderella and Aesop's Fables and The Children's Book of Bible Stories and the Golden Books version of The Three Little Pigs. Okay, well maybe The Three Little Pigs isn't quite so old-timey, but I still tell it to my grand-kids, word for word, and they love it. We didn't have as many books, and we didn't have TV (we were a bit old-fashioned, I admit) and movies, and we most certainly didn't have computers, with all the educational paraphenalia that go with them. But mom and dad read those stories to us over and over again, and they became an integral part of our lives.

We had Sunday School and Church too. In Sunday School, even as little tots, we memorized short verses, or parts of verses. We sang Sunday School choruses and hymns in Church (in the day and age when the whole family sat together in Church), over and over, and through that music we memorized the tenets of the faith that had been passed down through generations. As we grew older we memorized longer sections of scripture, too, and learned new songs.

We memorized on trips, too. My dad was a bit of a gypsy-at-heart, and we did a lot of road-trip travels. No cassettes or CDs, certainly no TVs or on-board movies, and radio-stations were mostly local and far-between. So we sang songs, and memorized poetry and scripture.

At school, memorization of poetry was assumed. We started out with simple poetry, like those from Robert Louis Stevenson's "A Child's Garden of Verses." Our classes entered the "poetry recitation" sections of the local annual Music Festival. To this day, I can recite, with great enunciation, "The Owl and the Pussycat" and "The Steam-Digger," our second grade poems which won our class a first-place prize. Even in high school, we memorized sections from "Hamlet" and "MacBeth" (yes, in the original Shakespearean English; and yes, we had to recite them orally as well as write them with perfect spelling, punctuation and grammar). Of course, nowadays, it is felt that forcing children and youth to memorize is harmful to their self-esteem, as it requires hard work and they might feel badly if they make a mistake or two. Ha!

On tests, like in Social Studies, we were also expected to memorize bits of information, and regurgitate them on tests. I admit that I sometimes felt this was silly, as the information could easily be looked up in an encyclopedia or handbook, and as much of the information was soon outdated. Countries and capital cities, provinces and states, names and locations of rivers and mountains, names of explorers with the dates they "discovered new lands," Kings and Queens and the dates they ruled, the main exports and imports of countries around the world. We learned ways to retain information: little ditties ("In fourteen-hundred-and-ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue") and word-plays (the inner planets: "Mary Very Easily Makes Jam"). And by memorizing the bits and parts of the stories, we learned the stories better. Maybe we would forget some of those bits and pieces down the road, but the stories stayed with us. And we had a sense of where they fit into the big story.

Now, with the internet at our finger-tips, why should we memorize? And with information growing exponentially, why bother trying? What's the point of learning a bunch of dead old history, when we're continuously bombarded with (scattered bits and pieces of) history-in-the-making? Why memorize countries and capitals when they are constantly changing? Why even bother publishing atlases when they are out-of-date before they come off the presses?

I think that memory is still crucially important, because memory makes information a part of us, a part of the way we think, a part of the way we interact with others and with the circumstances in our lives. Memory helps us to understand that we are part of a past, as well as a present. And being part of a past encourages us to imagine a future too, a future that maybe we can be a part of, as our being part of the past affects the way we live and the choices we make in the present.

Furthermore, if we choose to bypass memory, we lose the ability to understand the stories that connect us to our past - and to the present and future. The memories of the past lose meaning. We lose our "cultural literacy" , whether that be our personal cultural history, or the many cultural histories that connect the world. So we stop reading the stories. We stop connecting with humanity in both small and big pictures. And more and more, we stop connecting with humanity face-to-face. We become fragmented. And our society becomes fragmented. And then what happens to us? To humankind? Do we tell ourselves that we are framing some kind of wonderful Brave New World? Maybe so. But is that a good thing or bad? (And would the average reader understand the references in this paragraph without the links?)

As the quote says, "Real reading generates memory because it leads us into ... a story ... that is interconnected to other..." stories. I believe that if we choose not to remember, we choose to cut ourselves off from the stories that make us part of the history of humankind.

AND FINALLY...

Internet reading is about being connected; real reading, book reading, means being disconnected and lost in the world of the book.

Ah, the irony.

5. Post Internet Reading Habits

2010-11-23T13:54:00.000-08:00

Genuine reading draws into history and creates memory. Internet information-shaped reading is an assault on both history and time. Real reading taps into emotions, while internet reading mostly deadens our emotional life.

Whew. Do I agree with this? Is all internet information-shaped reading not "real" or "genuine" reading? I suppose it really depends on what one is reading on the internet - and what one is reading elsewhere. For example, there is a great deal of "book reading" that itself is an "assault on both history and time," in my opinion. Most Harlequin Romances fall into this category. Most best-selling newspapers (gossip-rags) too: although they do reflect a certain kind of creativity, lol. Same with a great many "self-help" books. And endless numbers of religious tomes.

On the other hand, a great many "classic books" are available on the internet now (and growing in numbers every day). I'm not at all sure that reading them on one's computer or Kindle or other electronic device, rather than in traditional book form, is going to change one's interaction with the content. (Though there is something comforting about "book" books. Still, that might only be because they are what I grew up with. Young folks might find e-books more "comforting," I suppose. On the other hand, as they spend so much time texting, tweeting, dashing off facebook statuses, and so on, I do have to wonder if they actually take the time and patience to sit down and actually read anything longer than 240 characters in length?)

But this quote specifically says "information-shaped reading." What does that mean? Does it have to do with the incessant "here and now" texts and tweets and chats, in which practitioners of those arts constantly dash off little spurts about the minutiae of their everyday lives? Which then drift off into cyberspace, supposedly stored and recorded somewhere out there. But will our descendants, a hundred or a thousand years from now, dig through all that stuff? And if they do (poor things), what conclusions will they draw? How will they describe early-twenty-first century "civilization"?

I love reading historical documents. I have copies of my own and my mother's and my grand-mother's and my great-grandmother's autograph books. I am constantly intrigued by the different poems and notes and ditties of the different generations. In some ways, those little books are a sort of "status" or "tweet" communication of their generations. I also have copies of diaries and personal letters. And even essays written in school and college. I feel I have met my forebears, and have known them quite deeply. Will future generations feel that way about the writing we are producing?

Even blog posts seem to be getting shorter, though more frequent. Apparently one can create a much larger following by dashing off quick, point-form posts, rather than the longer, serious, deeper (and yes, more emotional) posts common to early blogging. Quantity over quality? "Lite" vs thoughtful?

When I was in university over 30 years ago, studying historical geography, I read Susannah Moody's "Roughing It in the Bush." Now THAT "draws into history and creates memory." I challenge you to read it - I challenge myself to read it again - and then compare it to what we are producing on-line. Is what I have been producing on-line going to draw in generations to come as Susannah's diaries? I fear not. I have, of course, produced my own stories of my life and my family's life, and the world as I've known it (you can find some examples here and here and here and here and even here on this blog). But I fear they have been dashed off and posted in a way that is slap-dash and "lite" compared to Susannah's memoirs.

Will even my well-over-a-hundred handwritten journals and diaries, and the few letters I have saved, "draw into history and create memory" for coming generations? Will they even care to read them? Will they have time or patience? I wonder

"Internet reading mostly deadens our emotional life." Maybe that's true. Maybe that's why we most often just scan most "information-shaped" writing, which itself has already been boiled down to "basics." Maybe that's why so many people are willing to spend money for "blog e-books" which give at least a bit more information than the usual posts, and in doing so, hopefully draw the reader in a bit deeper. Maybe that's why book-club-gatherings and writers-groups and "meet-ups" have become so popular.

Maybe the whole "information" thing is over-rated. Maybe we NEED fiction: whether the orally-passed-on myths of the past, or the more recent written forms, sagas and theatre and fiction novels. Maybe we NEED that sense of gathering together around the campfire, and hearing, in oral or written form, the stories of the past that give us a connection to the lives of the human race over time, a connection that makes us part of the great story. That gives us a sense of belonging. That causes us to share in the emotional and spiritual life of humanity. That helps to make us whole and alive.

And yes, we need to become part of the great Story. His Story. A story that lives in relationship and gathering and His Life and Love.

4. Post Internet Reading Habits

2010-11-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

We carry around in our pockets an iPhone or an internet-connected phone. That gadget is a more powerful computer than anyone had a decade or so ago. But the gadget doesn’t create more leisure for us. Instead it shaves time from our leisure. Why is this so?

Ha! I'm not there yet! But I do think my laptop does the same, because it's so easy to find so much information, and I get wrapped up in it. Still, it is too bad that I take from my leisure time (like going outside for a walk, or to visit people or do a hobby like sketching), and I know I do that. It seems "important" somehow. And it's so easy; I don't have to get up and go places, and I just keep reading and reading. Time flies by without me realizing it.

I also think that because I feel I am "interacting" with other people on-line (blog comments, facebook, chats, etc) that I am visiting or in a community, and I really like that ... but after awhile I realize I'm a lot lonelier with on-line "interaction" than when I'm interacting with people face to face.

On the other hand, I love that I can talk to people who are interested in some niche topics, when I can't find interested people locally. And I love that I can keep up easily with family and friends far away; especially as people are so transient these days. But I have to say that while facebook is fun and quick (and sharing pictures and videos is so easy, especially with my grandchildren far away), it really isn't the same as an old-fashioned letter, or even a newsy email or a good phone call.

3. Post Internet Reading Habits

2010-11-23T13:40:00.000-08:00

Has the internet made you more of a scanner instead of a reader?What percentage of your reading is now internet reading? Would you call internet reading “reading”?

I still read when I'm using books, magazines, etc. But I've gotten to be a scanner on-line, until I find something I find really interesting, and then I read carefully, take notes, and respond. Being able, often, to easily respond to the writer is something I love about the internet. I would say that at the moment about 60 to 70% of my reading is online. I am also slowly starting to listen to podcasts and watch informational videos a bit, but it takes effort. I still prefer to read, or at least listen to live speakers!

I would definitely call internet reading "reading" ... when I find something worthwhile. I think I'm more discriminating in my on-line reading than my other reading. I'll read ridiculously inane stuff in magazines and newspapers, just to read, just for leisure, but I don't do that on the internet; I just skim over that kind of stuff and/or move on to something more useful. I think that is probably because my internet reading is generally for informational purposes rather than leisure. .

2. Post Internet Reading Habits

2010-11-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

What has changed in your reading habits? Do you read novels less? Magazines less? Books less? Do you read the same or more?

I haven't been a very frequent fiction reader since I became an adult, though I read numerous novels in my younger years. I do still read fiction, but am particular in my choices. Now that my life is less busy, I expect that my novel reading will be increasing again!

As an adult, I've become more interested in non-fiction books, and continue to read books in current areas of interest. I used to usually get books from libraries or borrow from friends; interestingly, I think I actually purchase more books than I used to, because of recommendations on the internet (and probably also because my kids are grown up and I have a bit more money to spend!).

I used to have 1 or 2 magazine subscriptions at any time, but haven't had any for some time. I do however still read magazines that I borrow from the library or friends or wherever. My magazine reading is usually for leisure. When I have magazine subscriptions they are usually on some topic I am currently really interested in. I will say that internet reading, especially blogs, has recently taken over magazine use for topics of interest. I am also using the internet for news more than newspapers or TV these days, probably because I'm already on the net to do writing, work on my blogs, etc, and it's easy to check the news too; it's also an easy way to check several viewpoints on certain news items I'm interested in.

I have not yet started to read books online, but am certainly thinking of getting a Kindle or something similar. I actually think I read more now that I did for a long time, but this is probably partly because I'm really working on blogging and other writing, and also because I am not currently working outside the home and don't have children at home (I had five!).

1. Post Internet Reading Habits

2010-11-23T13:30:00.000-08:00

What has happened to your reading habits ever since the rise of the internet, blogs, Facebook and Twitter?

The internet itself did not initially make a lot of difference to my reading habits. In the beginning (1996 for me), I mostly did not use the internet for anything more than research - which I then backed up from traditional sources. Occasionally I "surfed" the net out of curiosity.

I also joined a few of the early social networks (pre-Facebook). I did make a great deal of use of email, having formally been a enthusiastic letter writer. Even today, the majority of my emails are still long and detailed; I have never mastered the short email form, and actually I am grateful for that. I also joined a number of e-groups early-on, particularly ones related to home schooling. I learned a great deal from home schoolers all over the world, while at the same time I also continued to read home school books and magazines and connect with the few local home school folks. The big difference was that the e-groups were a large community, and with our far-ranging and detailed on-line conversations, I made close friends from around the world, some of whom I have since had the opportunity to meet face to face.

In the mid to late '90s I learned html and started my own website. It took quite a bit of effort at first, but once I got it set up, I just added and made changes and updates from time to time. It was basically a place to post writing efforts, and family photos etc.

It wasn't until I was on Facebook that I really got into social nets. In the beginning I only checked from time to time but as I built up my list of friends, I started checking more often. Now I'm in the mid-500s, 99% of them people I actually know, and if I wanted to read everyone's statuses regularly, I could be taking hours a day, which started to happen. So mostly I just skim, and some days don't look more than once or at all. But it's a big temptation to spend a lot of time there. I also was playing a couple of games, but realized how addictive they were, so I quit games except the very occasional game of Scrabble.

Learning to skim is a skill I'm developing more and more. Especially since I decided to try to really grow my blogs. I wanted to see what other bloggers in my interest areas were talking about, and learn more about blogging. So I started using Google Reader. That got really crazy because I read everything carefully, and I did a lot of commenting, hoping people would link to my blog, which they did. But now I skim a lot more, and am more particular about what I comment on, so I'm spending less time, but learning more in particular areas in which I'm especially interested.

I did sign up for a Twitter account, but have never really gotten going on it much at all. I did try out Posterous and some other social networking sites, but again haven't used them all that much. I suspect that if I had a cell phone with internet, I would probably be tempted to do a lot more tweeting. So I'm holding off on that for now, as I just don't have the time.

Who are you thankful for?

2010-11-22T18:13:00.000-08:00

Today, at The Assembling of the Church , Alan Knox wrote a list of people in his life for whom he thanks God. It's a great list; check it out!

He also has inspired me to start to write my own list. Here it is, so far:

I am thankful for:

My grandpa who had a really close relationship with God, in a place and time where I heard very little about such things, even though I was growing up in a very "churched" environment. Grandpa did not "preach at us", but he loved to pray, and his prayers were deep, loving conversations with his Father. Because of his prayers, I knew that somehow it was possible to have a loving relationship with God. And I kept looking for it, because of Grandpa's prayers.
My mom, who also had a really close relationship with God. Mom didn't "preach at us" either, but when I was young and sat next to her in church, or when she was reading her Bible at home, I would look up her face, and see the glow of joy in her eyes, even as tears trickled down her cheeks. I wondered at that. How could a person be so wrapped up in God? I could win every sword drill or Sunday School contest, but it was so cerebral to me. Mom's relationship with God kept me searching, too.
My beautiful five children and my foster-daughter, and my eight grandchildren (so far!). Being a parent and grandparent helped move my cerebral understanding of God's love down into my heart. And watching their childhood faith and trust in God (see some examples here in the "miracle stories" ), combined with parenting struggles (see "A Mother's Journey" ) helped me to gradually let go of my self-centered "sense of responsibility" and my "knowledge about God" and learn to turn to my Father as His little child.
My friends at the gathering of the street church in our town (check out the links at the top of this blog), many of whom have faced unbelievable troubles in life, but have found Jesus, and are in love with Him ... and though they have so little of this world's goods, have shared that love with me and others beyond what I could have imagined.
My precious husband who keeps loving me, and keeps being patient with me, no matter what I do or don't do. And has, by his example, helped me to understand God's love and patience with me, no matter what.

.... There are so many others I am thankful for! Maybe I can add more another day....

Who are you thankful to God for in your life?

just for fun

2010-11-20T13:58:00.000-08:00

Sweet sixteen. For a year I dreamed of an amazing Okanagan Lake birthday beach party with all my friends. Many were the awesomely exciting plans we concocted. It would be the social event of the year. We could hardly wait.

And then my gypsy-spirited father dropped the bombshell. This would be the summer for his long-dreamed-of trip across Canada. The six of us, Pa, Ma, my 16 year old self, my 14 and 10 year old brothers, and my 6 year old sister would set off on a wonderfully educational nearly-seven-week trip across Canada in our family station wagon, pulling our 4 person tent trailer into which we would all squeeze each night.

Naturally, in typical teen spirit, I ranted, raved, cried, begged, and threatened to run away. My father could not understand what had happened to his lovely, obedient daughter. Actually he had been befuddled by her teenage behavior for the past 4 years or so; but that she should be displeased with the vacation of the century was simply incomprehensible to him. After all, he had planned every detail carefully, and he was generously doing this for the family, not for himself. Oh yes. Certainly. Yeah, right.

So off we went. Because of my attitude, which did not improve, I was banished to the third seat of the station wagon, which faced backward. Actually, I was quite pleased with this, as I did not have to interact with the rest of the family. I buried my nose in a variety of novels, and only appeared for bathroom stops and meals, if possible.

Unfortunately for myself, my father was a photography fanatic. We had to stop at every pictorial landscape, of which Canada has a distressing number. And we all had to pile out and pose in the foreground. Why he kept insisting I be part of the photos is beyond belief, as my evil frown created a distressing contrast with the idyllic scenery.

Also unfortunately, my dear father, a World War 2 vet and history buff, had a obsessive desire to visit every military or ex-military installation from one end of the continent to another. And of course we were all expected to tour each site, in respect of our great nation's history. I must admit that some sites, like Fort Steele, which had been rebuilt to colonial standards, were mildly interesting to me. But other sites, like the boot camp near Moose Jaw where dad had received his training, were now long-deserted boarded-up buildings, with dust and tumbleweed blowing across the barren prairie flats. We visited endless historical military sites of all descriptions, from one end of Canada to the other. On the return trip we visited Fort Louisbourg in New Brunswick.

Poor dad. We all piled out of the station wagon, and joined the tour group. Or at least the rest of the family piled out. Dad had to physically haul me out of my backseat cave. I was ranting and raving. The rest of the tour group stared at us, mouths hanging open. Dad got so upset at me that finally he shouted, "I'm going to put you on the next Greyhound Bus and send you home!" "Yes!" I shouted joyfully and started dancing with delight. Dad stared at me in horror! I suppose he thought this would be a terrible punishment; but to me it was a moment of pure bliss. Mom said flatly, "You are NOT going to travel alone across country by Greyhound." My heart sank, and I slunk into line in the tour group and trudged along. Fort Louisbourg turned out to be fascinating, but I did my best not to let on.

Most days we would rise at dawn, have oatmeal for breakfast, and drive till noon. No matter where we were, dad would pull over to the side of the road, and mom would prepare lunch with whatever she could manage without cooking. A regular was cold canned beans on brown bread. Yum. Then we'd travel another 6 hours or so, and camp again. Mom, who was on a tight budget due to the cost of the photos which would memorialize our vacation for all time, would do her best to cook something nourishing. Stew was frequent. Hot dogs were a treat. Dad did generously announce one day that he was taking us to a restaurant. We went to Dairy Queen and all of us had dipped soft ice cream cones. It was a highlight of the trip.

I could go on and on, and indeed I did so throughout the vacation, writing and illustrating a rather sarcastic journal. My father also wrote a journal, and you would never imagine that we'd been on the same vacation. My final entry noted that it seemed like we were on the road for 45 years rather than 45 days.

Oddly enough, over the years as I have matured a tad, I have actually come to look back on that trip with a bit of nostalgia. And I did actually come to appreciate my nation more. I enjoyed using my high school French in Quebec, and had an awesome time at the Ontario Science Center on my 16th birthday, thanks to elderly relatives who recognized my sorrow at not having a sweet sixteen birthday party with my friends. And years later, when I became a high school teacher and taught Grade 10 Social Studies, which covers Canadian geography and history, I always showed my classes my dad's photos. They totally loved laughing at my cranky glares and my wild striped 1970 bell bottom pants, hippie belts, and other fashionable attire of the era. And so it turned out to be an entertaining and educational vacation after all. For my 1980s and 1990s students, at any rate.

Getting rich (hopefully) or caring for the rest of the world?

2010-11-13T19:34:00.000-08:00

13 November 2010

Getting rich (hopefully) or caring for the poor?

Warning: this is long. But it's something to seriously consider.

This afternoon I went to a presentation by FHTM Canada . About a year and a half ago, a couple of friends introduced me to this "business opportunity" but it really wasn't good timing for me (and to be honest, the DVD they gave me of a sample FHTM meeting was pretty scary: it had the gospel-crusade methodology down pat, and in fact the presenter enthusiastically pointed out how "Christian" the business is). Another acquaintance shared the opportunity with me earlier this week, and since I am trying to decide what I want to do next, I thought it would be worth checking into.

I've been involved with various forms of MLM before. Usborne Books, Watkins Products, Amway, for example. I've been introduced to MLM financial planning companies. What I do know is I don't want to sell products that require me to demonstrate, throw parties, warehouse, invest in inventory, etc. And I don't have a lot of money to invest in up front. I don't want to deal in something that has a rather limited market (the financial planning MLM I was introduced to was aimed at customers who already had at minimum a quarter to half million to invest). I don't want to sell something that I wouldn't want to buy myself, or that I am not enthusiastic about myself. If I am going to invest the time and energy it takes to really be successful, I want to be selling something I am passionate about myself. I also don't want to be forcing products on people that they, in reality, don't need or can't afford. I do want good support and training from my up-line.

So the introduction my friends gave me to FHTM sounded like maybe this MLM (multi-level-marketing) company was different than the others I've been involved with or explored. They told me that:

FHTM provides services rather than products.
FHTM partners with many large companies that people are already purchasing from.
And that by getting people to become FHTM "customers," (aka part of the FHTM team) those people (including myself of course) get credit for "word of mouth" advertising (bringing in more "customers") so they save money on using those services.
The fee to start is "only $300."
FHTM provides an online book-keeping service that takes care of all the record keeping so you don't have to worry about it yourself.

Okay - so no huge upfront investment, no warehousing of products to sell, no complicated order forms to fill out, you're providing products that people already are buying, and supposedly you can save them money. Sounded pretty good. If a little bit "too good to be true." Still, a friend who had her own retail business for years, and still struggled financially despite how hard she worked at, had joined up with FHTM, and within less than a couple years, was earning (so I'm told) at least $10,000 month. Well, I thought, it couldn't hurt to check into it a bit more.

So I went to this "business opportunity presentation" today. There were probably 50 or 60 people there, including about 8 people looking into the business. So the presenters were mostly "preaching to the choir" - and the choir members were pretty enthusiastic, of course. No different than other "presentations" I've attended. The presentations were polished, and the Power Point worked well (mostly). (Did I mention I'm not terribly enthusiastic about Power Point? Another story... going back to "church Power Point" experiences... but I digress). Oh yes, and thankfully no mention of the "Christian" tag-line, although I recognized a lot of the choir members as being "church members" whom I've met in the past. But of course that isn't surprising; in MLM you're encouraged to sign up friends and relatives, and most "friends" of church members tend to be other church members. But at least the "spiritual" angle wasn't pushed. (The "top presenter" did mention briefly that she used to be in youth ministry).

I arrived at the presentation with a number of questions (having done a fair amount of research on-line, examining both pros and cons). The presenters did answer quite a few of my questions in their talks, though no time was given for questions and answers, as there was to be a "training session" immediately following for the already-converted. By the end of the presentation I did have some more questions. And I will be calling up folks I know who are (or have been) in FHTM to get their viewpoints.

But after I got home and reflected, I realized that there were some things that did trouble me:

The big "positive" being pushed is that as an FHTM member, you are "helping others." It's not about you; it's about relationship-building and caring for others. Oh, of course. But then we were given all kinds of examples of how wealthy you can become (with a lot of hard work - that was admitted, thank goodness). The lead presenter told us that her two daughters will never have to work (then added that "of course we aren't raising them to think that way." I hope not.).

You can win (earn) an I-pod this month by signing up today! Who wants an I-pod? Hands up all over the room. Except mine. Not that I wouldn't like an I-pod. I'm just not sure that I'm ready to jump in and do all those things you have to do in the next 17 days. I need time to think this through.

You can win (earn) a platinum colored Lexus. Some people get to that level in 7 months. Well, actually it's a 3 year paid lease, and no, you can't get any other colors or makes. But still. Who wants a Lexus? Well, um... not me. Well now, maybe if it was a sweet little cherry red sports car .... :-)

The lead lady won (earned) 5 free vacations this year. Next vacation is Dominican Republic. Okay, think about that for a minute. 5 vacations in a year. In sunny tropical climes, by the sound of it. Great. I have to stay out of the sun because I get melanomas easily. Anyway, if I'm going to go to sunny climes, I'd rather stay for a year or two (or more) and do something really truly helpful. For others. Like I'd rather go next door to Dominican Republic, and help out in Haiti. Somehow 5 vacations in a year sounds kind of, well, selfish. For a company made up of people than always think of others first, I mean. Of course, working with poverty-stricken people in third world countries for an extended period of time might not be a very good way to build the business, either. Oh dear.

So when I got home and looked at the FHTM site, all the Canadian big earners who they show are couples, except for one. What if my hubby doesn't want to get on board? Or worse, what if my hubby doesn't want me to get on board? Relationships are the big thing in FHTM I'm told. What relationships are priority? Customers/team? or my spouse and family? Will making lots of cash for years and years, right on into the retirement years, and leaving enough to keep my kids going (theoretically) be enough to keep those family relationships going?

What about my dreams of writing? What about the opportunities on-line that I've been working on? What about the hobbies I love? Am I going to shelf those? Because I'm pretty sure that to really "go for it" with this "business opportunity" will mean cutting out some other things.

What about the volunteer work I am passionate about? I mean, spending time with my street church family sure doesn't make me rich in money. But the riches in those relationships and in the Kingdom of God are far more important to me than building a big bank account.

So what do you think? Am I crazy to pass up this great opportunity? Are my other passions in life silly in comparison?

(And yes, I've thought about the fact that theoretically I would be able to "give" great amounts of money to "the church" and "missions" and such. I know some people do that. But I'm not at all sure that's my "gifting." I'm a taking-care-of-people-person. Not a giving money to other people so they can do the caring.) (Father? I don't sense You encouraging me, either).

(Oh. And I wonder. Once I started making all that money (if I actually succeeded), would I still want to give most of it away? Or would I start caring about "me and mine" more than caring for others?) (And I wonder. Is this Jesus' design for believers? Just wondering about that, because I keep thinking about that DVD...)

So what do you think?

Where do these kind of dreams come from?

2010-11-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

13 November 2010

I woke this morning from a dream that left me wondering. Actually, I often wake from dreams that leave me wondering. I've raised this issue with "church folks" over the years, and generally what I encounter is an awkward moment of silence, or a quick changing of the subject.

So I'm wondering what you folks think?

In this dream, I was at a funeral. I was sitting at the piano, ready to play music from a book of funeral music. Not traditional hymns or worship choruses. A very nice book, with full lyrics and music. Songs designed to be sung as "specials." Songs written from the viewpoints of various people. For example:

- from a spouse to the spouse who had just passed away
- from a spouse who was now re-meeting a spouse who had passed away previously
- from a child to a parent who had passed away
- from parents to a child who had passed away

There were at least 20 or 30 songs, with beautiful, thoughtful lyrics, all from different viewpoints. I sat there, reading through the lyrics of all the songs. And playing a couple of songs that fit that particular funeral situation.

I have never seen or heard any of these songs before. I have never seen a funeral song-book with these kinds of songs before.

It was a long dream. I read the lyrics of every song. I played a couple of the songs, by reading the music, without practice.

Where do dreams like this come from?

How can we dream such detailed dreams about things that we know we have never before experienced? Nor even just "seen" on TV or in books or whatever?

What about dreams we have of places and events and, yes, dreams of "spiritual beings" and "spiritual events." What about things we have never done and wouldn't want to?

What about day "dreams" like events of deja-vu? When I was a teenager, for example, I was just sitting one day, and I had a "flash picture" in my mind of myself sitting holding a new-born baby. It was full-colored and detailed. I knew it was my first-born baby. And then, years later, a few hours after my first baby was born, I looked down at her - and there was the "flash picture" in identical detail. Same nightgown on me, same blanket around baby, same beautiful face on baby. The hospital supplied the gown and blanket, so I couldn't have subconsciously planned them. What's with that? And why do I still experience deja-vu from time to time?

I've had people tell me that I'm being manipulated by evil spirits. That such dreams and events are a result of subconscious sinful thoughts and attitudes. On TV and in books, I've heard many other theories, as I am sure you have. But most of those shows are hardly what you might think of as coming from a believer's perspective.

What do you think, as a believer?

Blessed Be Your Name in the Darkness... and thank You for Your Light

2010-11-13T11:38:00.000-08:00

12 November 2010

Today my cousin from Saskatchewan phoned. At least the caller ID said "Saskatchewan," but as it turned out she was calling from her mom's (my mom's sister) place in Summerland, a 15 minute drive from here. She had phoned me yesterday, and we were planning to get together here in Penticton for a visit, but now she was asking if I'd be willing to go for lunch with her in Summerland.

There was a time when I loved going to Summerland. I was born in Summerland during my parents' summer vacation (a few years back, of course, lol). My grandparents lived in Summerland in a wonderful big old Victorian style house (you can read stories about it here)(http://www.penandpapermama2.com/cwrite/v.html) across the street from the old hospital where I was born. An uncle, aunt and cousins our age lived in Summerland too. When I was a teen there was an excellent coffee house at a Summerland church. The best swimming beach in the entire beautiful Okanagan Valley was at Summerland. There were towering clay cliffs with narrow trails criss-crossing them, which provided great adventures for daring young folks. A five-cents-to-a-dollar-store that people came hundreds of miles to shop at. And endless orchards with peaches, apricots, cherries, apples, pears. You get the picture. Summer-land! Beautiful!

So I grew up and moved farther afield, and didn't get to Summerland very often. My cousins grew up and moved, too. My grandparents went to meet Jesus face-to-face. But a few years ago, my parents moved to a seniors complex in Summerland. And we moved to Penticton, and so our family started going to Summerland to visit mom and dad. And I really enjoyed it, not just seeing my parents, but all the good old memories remembered.

Then my mom developed dementia. And ended up in a higher-care-level facility. And then my dad got cancer, and passed away. My mom was moved to a facility in Penticton, and eventually she too passed away. If you've been following this blog, you'll know that these losses were not easy for me.

And unfortunately, they cast a sad, even fearful, shadow over my feelings about Summerland. Even passing by on the highway was difficult for me. I still sometimes drove through "Lower Summerland" - the beaches, the old Victorian house, the clay cliffs, and enjoyed the old time childhood memories.

But driving into "Upper Summerland" (aka "West Summerland") or just passing by, made my tummy hurt. I have gone there when I needed to. To family dinners, visiting aunts and uncles and cousins (they've been gradually moving back; Summerland has that kind of draw). To occasional events or meetings. For a long time, the shadow seemed to just grow deeper and longer.

When my cousin phoned to ask if I could come up to Summerland instead of meet her in Penticton, my tummy churned. But I said, "Yes." And off I drove in some trepidation.

It's getting to be winter these days, and the weather recently has been mostly gray and damp and windy-chill. But today the weather was lovely. Chilly, but the sun was shining, the sky was blue with fluffy white clouds, the lake beautiful. Almost looked like summer. Living up to our region's reputation as "the sunny Okanagan."

And surprisingly, my tummy didn't turn when I drove off the highway and headed into Summerland. Seeing my mom's older sister and brother-in-law didn't bring back sad memories of my mom and dad. Going with my cousin to poke around in my mom's favorite thrift store (everyone's favorite thrift store - people come from far and wide) was fun. I hadn't stepped foot in it since we packed up my mom's clothes and dropped them off there. Summerland is a retirement town. I saw clothes in the thrift store that totally reminded me of my mom. And I didn't feel sad. They actually made me smile.

Thank You, Father, for bringing me through these past couple months of rest. Thank You for the depression that has forced me to sleep and sleep ... and then slowly start re-awakening. Listening to Your voice in the long hours I have been alone with few others to talk with, and too tired to do the kind of "busy work" that keeps us from facing our fears and guilt.

Thank You for bringing the "summer" back into "Summerland" for me.

Thank You for driving out the dark hidden places in my heart with Your sunlight. With You, The Light.

"Blessed be Your name... when the darkness closes in."

(And now when the sun's starting to shine down on me again)

My church is not a business

2010-11-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

12 November 2010

My church is not a business

Wow. I've heard "the church" described in business terms, and seen it function according to business concepts, but a post I read today still astonished me:

In most church planting strategies. Failing churches are expected to fail, leading to the needless waste of untold amounts of resources. Not to mention alienating potential customers through negative shopping experiences. This pessimistic approach to failing churches is apparently borne of the desire to avoid the hard conversations that might otherwise save some businesses from failing1.... After all, not many individual businesses concern themselves with assisting other businesses in a purely altruistic fashion3.....

Rather than planting new businesses or crops while allowing others to fail, we should be making the wiser investment decision4 to patch up failing churches. That may mean that we need to revisit SBC polity and seriously ask ourselves whether it is time to change the governmental structure of the SBC or, as a less invasive option, produce material designed to help failing churches adapt to current market conditions.

Regardless of how we go about attempting to salvage failing churches, the tactic of writing them off and allowing the resources they contain (which includes people, our brothers in Christ) is needlessly wasteful....

In my next post I will explore the problem of excess supply....

Even secular businesses understand that it is far cheaper to keep an existing customer from leaving than it is to gain a new customer. [↩]

Apparently there will be a whole series of posts of this nature.

Oh dear.

MY CHURCH IS NOT A BUSINESS

early morning day-mare (vs nightmare: I was awake - I think..)

2010-11-12T09:15:00.001-08:00

12 November 2010

Woke up early this morning. Wide awake but didn't want to crawl out from my ultra-cozy bed. I was thinking about this and that. Including street church. Which led to thinking about the 4 dozen eggs I boil for each Sunday morning gathering. Bizarre, right? Then, even more bizarre, I began to compose verse. Bad verse. Very scary. Which convinced me to get up after all, and face the day. In a hurry.

Oh. In case you're wondering, here's the ditty I was composing. You can even sing it - to the tune of "The Monster Mash."

Eggs hard-boiled
4 dozen eggs hard-boiled
Eggs hard-boiled
O'er steaming pots she toiled
Eggs hard boiled
The water rolled and roiled
Eggs hard boiled!

Very very scary... :-)

What Father's been teaching me

2010-11-11T19:36:00.000-08:00

November 11, 2010

So last night, after all that stuff I posted yesterday (and the previous few days) I went to my friend G's house and a few of us listened to Disc 1 of the Transition series with Wayne Jacobsen. And I was blown away, because it lined up so exactly with what God has been working through with me during this "rest" time in my life. I listened to it again today, and took some notes. Here they are:

Transition series - Wayne Jacobsen

Disc 1 - At Home in God

The "church" is God's people in the earth who know Him and love Him and follow Him. People over the whole earth who are knowing who He is, and growing in relationship with Him. And because of that, growing in relationship with each other.

Getting it is a process. Takes years. It's a lifelong journey. Can't just get it from hearing about it and taking notes about it. You can learn a lot from ground school, but you don't learn to actually fly. Living it is better than knowing it.

In the best kinds of learning the student takes responsibility for his own learning and asks the teacher to teach him what he needs to know.

To learned to live loved the best instructor is the Holy Spirit. The importance of prayer is, as we ask Him, "Holy Spirit, I don't know how to steer this? Can You teach me?" And He says, "I'd love to teach you!" We have to become active learners. We have to take responsibility to learn to be God's vessel, and learn how to live this life - or we'll miss the best parts of it. There's no better way than to ask, "Holy Spirit, how do I respond to this? Would You teach me?" And He does.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit doesn't do it immediately. He interested in working at a deeper level than just your intellect, so it's not always immediate. Sometimes He has something else in mind, but He'll make it clear.

You need to take active ownership of your life in Christ.

We live as if religion is the course of the day. All groups/cultures have religious underpinnings. Holy man/guru, sacred space, sacred rituals, certain laws.

We get church wrong because we are not on a relational journey to begin with. Therefore we don't know what to share when we get together. So we end up sharing religion - conformity, rituals. We share religious life because we don't know how to share relational life. The real challenge is for each of to learn how to live in Him.

Jesus showed his disciples to live the life of His Father. He wanted them to get relationship with Father. When we get that then we can live that life together.

Matthew 5,6,7 Sermon on the Mount. Jesus describes the ideal of what it means to live life in God, the life God always meant us to live. If you read it religiously it will kill you. It's not good news to Pharisees, to Law-keepers.

In "The Message" the first beatitude reads: You are blessed if you are at the end of your rope. When we "go to church" we don't give testimony about that! We define blessings in temporal, material terms. But Jesus says the blessed people are poor in spirit, persecuted. And we're to be God's light in the world, impacting the world.

The sermon on the mount points us to the fact that the freedom from sin is not in the actions, it's in the heart. Until God gets your heart, your actions won't change. The Ten Commandments are to become promise rather than commandments: When you know Me well enough, you will not murder, commit adultery, etc. The Old Covenant was do the Commandments or die; the heart of God in the New Covenant is you will live because I will change you.

Jesus is describing an ideal way of living with His Father that you and I don't have a prayer of living in our own strength.

Jesus says, "I don't want you to be anxious about anything." Have you ever tried not to be anxious or afraid? If you try to follow the rules, you're dead. But Jesus came to show us what life in Father is like. He lived, modeled, demonstrated living a life dependent upon His Father. Living in a loving way even with people trying to kill and betray Him. Because He knew how to live related to His Father.

The ideal of the Sermon on the Mount is not how, it's what. And Jesus modeled it so we know it can be done.

John 13 to 17 The Upper Room Discourse. Now Jesus is explaining to His disciples, "This is how you're going to live."

Most of what we do in western Christianity is placing New Testament terms on Old Testament concepts. We can use all the NT language but miss the reality.

The reality:
John 15:15 "I no longer call you slaves... I call you friends because everything I have learned from the Father I have made known to you." I'm giving you the relationship I have. A change in paradigm. In the Old Covenant, the image of our relationship to God is slave to Sovereign. The relationship is fear, because fear is what keeps a slave related to the King. Jesus is offering true friendship: "Greater life has no man than this, than that a man lays down his life for his friend." Jesus is about to make that happen. Your relationship with God will be friend to friend.

Not the friendship of the world: mutual benefit, mutual combination of self-need. That kind of friendship gets compromised when one gives more than the other. Our concept of even love is often based on self-need: what do I need and am I getting it? My benefit.

God sees friendship with us not as what we can give Him, but what He can give us. Not just good buddies but a friend willing to die for you. Never use you, never betray you. Always there for your benefit, not His.

Romans 8:15 "God has not given us a spirit of fear, leading to slavery, but a spirit of adoption, whereby our hearts cry out, Abba." Oh Papa! The spirit of fear, and slavery, is Old Covenant. Only the cross could change it, and give access to a better relationship. All the OT sacrifices couldn't make the worshiper perfect in conscience. When they got near God, He was still a terrifying Presence.

The God most of have grown up is not the God of the Bible. He is an abusive dad who wants to use us. If you want that God, you want religion between you and Him. You want a buffer, a holy man guru, some rules to follow. Then somebody else can deal with Him.

The relationship of the New Covenant God is that of an Abba-daddy to a child who is Abba aged. How much expectations does He have of that child? None. He just loves her. If she grows up in that love, that love will transform her. That love changes everything. He's not a God that needs to be appeased.

I John 4 "God is love and in Him is no darkness at all" "Perfect loves casts out fear" - and fear is based on punishment. "And the one who fears is not perfected in love." There is such a huge paradigm shift going on, Old Covenant to New Covenant.

If you don't love God, you'd be well served to fear Him because fearing God will keep you from doing some really stupid things. But it won't change you from the inside and help you love God. It will drive your sin deeper and make it come out in more religious ways.

But once you love Him, you will never need to fear Him again. That is the message of the New Testament. The fear of the Lord is not where we get holiness from. We say holiness derives from fear, but God is Holy and He's not afraid of anything. God derives His holiness from His love.

If I absolutely loved every person I meet, I would never need a law of any kind. When you live loved by God, you will love. Galatians 5: love fulfills the Law. When you get the loving right, with Him and with each other, the keeping of Law is not an issue. Love will take you furthur than the Law ever will. The man who is perfected is perfected by love. Once you engage that love, fear will have no place.

What about the great commandment to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself? Isn't it the summing of the whole Law? But isn't this absurd: Do you know anybody you can command to love you? If love is an act, you can command me to act like I love you. But can you command love? Not when love is the reality of a relationship. Religion turns love into an act. As you engage God's love, you'll find yourself loving others - and you'll know it's not you, it's God's love.

Jn 13:34-35 "A new commandment I give you: that you love each other as I have loved you."
1 John "We know love by this: not that we loved God, but that He first loved us." I cannot possibly love you until I have been loved by Him, until I know what His love is. Throw out the principles, and then learn to live in a love relationship. Learn to live loved. Until you know the love of the Father for you and the love of His Son, until you know that He delights over you, until that's real in your life and experience, until you know the depth of that love, you'll have no idea how to treat other people.

Jesus is God. He lived with the disciples for three years. Were they afraid of Him? Why not? Because they didn't get it that he was God!Even when they knew He was the Messiah, their understanding of what the Messiah would be was not the reality of Jesus. They thought he was not a God-incarnate figure, just a man like David uniquely empowered to deliver God's people. But after Jesus rose from the dead, then they knew that He was God. Jesus had already made his disciples feel safe with Him, before the cross. Now that they knew who He really was, and they were reconciled to Him by the power of the cross, they could be at peace with Him, including the Father and the Holy Spirit. Now we can live not by principles but by love.

*****
Isn't that awesome? You should listen to the whole talk yourself. You can listen on-line or download it here.

French (and other) language copies of some great books!

2010-11-10T14:11:00.000-08:00

Yay! The mailman brought me a package all the way from France today! Two of my favorite books! How cool is that?!?

Il m'aime! (He Loves Me!) by Wayne Jacobsen

Alors, tu ne veux plus aller a l'eglise (So You Don't Want to Go to Church?) by Jake Colsen.

Can't wait to dig into them!

Want to know how to order them? (Also available in English, German, Dutch, Spanish, Russian, Portugese, and Swahili) ... go to Lifestream for ordering info

Oh, and if you want to read The Shack (La Cabane) in French, you can order it here . It'll be my next French-language order.

Telling You what to do and how to do it, when we pray

2010-11-10T13:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Father, Jesus, Sarayu (Holy Spirit)...

I've been thinking about some of the things we pray about.

Like praying for physical healing for people who are really sick. Especially old people, who just want to come Home to You. And why do we pray for healing of "incurable" cancer, but not for healing of other "incurables" like dementia or certain kinds of "disabilities"?

I'm finding it harder and harder to pray prayers that ask You to heal (and tell you exactly what and how).

(Or to pray prayers that tell You exactly what to do about all kinds of other things).

Because I really don't know if my plans and wishes (or the plans and wishes of the people who pass on "requests" to me to pray about) are really for the best.

Mostly, I just want people to KNOW YOU!

(And in my experience, sometimes - okay, often - "bad things" are often necessary for us humans to turn to You).

(And I really do think, understand, more and more, that "to die is gain." Really. To be with You face-to-face! WOW! Thank You, Jesus. Praise Your Holy Name!)

Please help me hear Your voice, Holy Spirit, as You help me to pray. Thank You.

is it church if it's not too "overtly spiritual"?

2010-11-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

At our street church breakfast gatherings on Sunday mornings, sometimes we have what might be recognized as "services" after eating ... and sometimes we don't. And sometimes I worry a bit about the "don't" times.

But I just realized....

Although we didn't do much of anything "overtly spiritual" on Sunday at street church, YOU were there with Your people.

How do I know? I knew Your JOY! I had a wonderful time with Your children. Seeing them enjoying and being blessed by the food You provided to me to share with them, blessed me too! And You gave me opportunities to share and care (love!) over breakfast and as we visited and drank coffee afterward. And as we cleaned up after breakfast. Talking about You. Asking and answering questions. Hugs and prayers as You led. Between individuals. In small "natural" groups of 3 or 4. Not planned. Just being. With You.

And even that little chat (and big hug) with L as I was leaving and she was walking past. And the few quiet words we shared about the depression we've both been experiencing. And that we both know we aren't alone. Well, Father, You know what I am saying...

Thank You! It was Your church - and I was a part of it! Oh, Thank You!

wondering about. .. the word and the Word ... knowing and Knowing ... You

2010-11-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

Joshua 1: 8 This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

Just curious, Father. Obviously, "this book" refers to the books of the Law as given to Moses. However, I think when we were kids and this was one of the verses we were all urged to memorize, we were taught to assume that it referred to Your whole written word, all the Old and New Testament scriptures.

And we generally related "of the Law" to, I think, the 2 "great commandments" and to the "principles of scripture" (and, I suppose, to whatever theological "interpretations" and/or "distinctives" our particular "tradition" emphasized, which we also pretty much counted as Holy Writ.)

But what I am wondering, is how much these "commands" from You that we memorize and quote so cheerfully and confidently, we actually follow as they were given. Or do we just follow them as we choose to "interpret" them to our own "beliefs" or "personally accept" them to our own comfort level?

Also, I wonder, how much right do we have to take commands and promises given the certain discrete individuals or groups, and apply them to ourselves and our situations?

For example, in Joshua 1:5, God speaks to Joshua himself and says, "No man will be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you: I will not fail you or forsake you."

Now certainly, there are scriptural principles within the verse that apply broadly to all God's people (God does not fail or forsake His people). But do we have the right to take the particulars as God's promises to ourselves, as well ("no man...stand before you" and in verse 6, the leadership position given to Joshua, for example). And what about the IF part in verse 7 - which specifically refers to following all the details of the Law of Moses? How often do we pay attention to those IF's?

We argue that because of Jesus we are "freed from the Law." But then we add that we are still under the "law of love" (the two great commandments "on which hang all the law and the prophets"). And in so saying, do we actually follow those laws? Do we even see them as living in Jesus' love, or do we see them as Laws we must follow?

And how often do we also say that we must follow the Ten Commandments (and others of our personal/group choosing) in order to be Christians? Are we then really living in freedom to follow the law of love (in other words, to follow Jesus)? Because, if we are placing ourselves under even some of the Mosaic laws, then we aren't freed, are we? And if we aren't freed, then we are under the Law. Is that right?

If the law was fulfilled (completely!) in Jesus, then we really are in a totally new way. Jesus Himself - THE WAY, the Truth, the Life.

(Hmmm... When Moses said, "Choose life," he wasn't referring to splashing those words on t-shirts, and marching in anti-abortion parades, was he? No, he was referring to obeying all the commands of the Law, through which the people of Israel would find true Life). (Although, no doubt, being anti-abortion - in positive ways - is not doubt a life-preserving choice, and thus pleasing to Jesus who is the Life).

Father, when I was growing up "in the Church," it seemed like "meditating on Your Law day and night" (as in lots and lots and lots of Bible study, and some prayer too) was THE sign of a "real Christian." Over and over, verses like this were quoted. "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." It seemed like the lamp/light was more important than the feet or the path. And that knowing the scriptures was more important, very often, than actually KNOWING Jesus, the Word. Knowing about Him seemed to so often be equated with knowing Him.

Were we wrong? Did we totally (or at least pretty much) miss the Truth? Was all that studying (without much doing/walking ... but we thought that studying WAS doing/walking) a waste? I don't think it was a total waste, but I wonder how much we missed out on? Father? (And are some of us going too far to the opposite extreme now? I DO worry about that...) (And I also miss some of the deep study...) Father?

Oh Father, here I am "wondering" again. Please. I want to walk "in the Truth." Help me, please.

*******

later... reading...

"Mack, you don't need to have it all figured out. Just be with me." (The Shack, p 178)

Thank You, Jesus. You are the Truth. And Your words are Truth. Your Spirit is Truth. Father is Truth.

It's not one or the other. It's One. You.

That's what I want. To just be with You. All that You are, in all ways that You reveal Yourself. Thank You.

Feeling kind of dis-satisfied with church-where-I'm-at-right-now

2010-11-09T15:22:00.000-08:00

As I've been thinking about my "loneliness", I've been kind of wondering if seeing the street church family as a kind of "substitute family" in place of my family (as my parents passed away, kids flew our nest; and former "church family" losses as that group closed down, and co-worker and student losses from leaving my teaching job, and such) ... well, I've been wondering if the frequent "losses" from the street church family are also part of my problem.

Our street church gathering is not made up of what you might call a "stable population." Especially when it comes to those who have come for the breakfasts and clothing and conversations - and have met Jesus. Because it seems that it doesn't take long before they move on.

Some experience transformed lives, and return to families, or move to get work, or whatever. And their "street pastor" actually encourages them to move on, for a time at least, into a gathering of more mature believers, where they are away from the street environment and crowd.

Others - and you'd be surprised at how often this happens - soon after really encountering Jesus, go to be with Him. It seems like they have been just barely "holding on" looking for the answer to their life's problems - and when they find it, they're happy to let go - and go home. Or else Father has been keeping breath in them until they come to Jesus - and then He takes them home because He knows it is where they need to be. Now.

Of course sometimes they come back, when they've gotten into a strong relationship with Jesus, and help out those on the streets. That's awesome, because they really understand.

I keep thinking that I need more time with Your people. I mean, this "rest" time mostly with You (and Your people on-line to some degree) has been awesome. But You really have created us for community. In Your image. So yes, I'm lonely for Your family (and my personal family too...)

Maybe it's because I've been "on the sidelines" lately, and am just generally lonely.

But maybe I'm going through some kind of "withdrawls" from the "comforts" of traditional church. I mean, at least at traditional church, you can pretty well guarantee you're going to see (if briefly, and mostly looking at the back of their heads) your "church family" for at least an hour or two every Sunday. And if you're the "getting involved" type, there are Life Groups and Bible Studies and Teen Nights and Kids' Klubs and Womens Ministries and Mens Ministries and special groups for young adults and middle adults and senior adults and married adults and single adults and so on and so forth. And maybe even Sunday School classes for every taste and interest and age group, if your church is big enough. Maybe Your church even has it's own school attached. So you can find a little group that suits your age and taste and entertainment style, and every week get together for a more-or-less-cozy time together, starting and ending precisely on time, and knowing exactly what to expect in curriculum and style. Cozy. Friendly but not too friendly. Safe. Predictable. Dependable getting-together times.

(Not very much like the sometimes-craziness and other-times-real-closeness of personal - real - family. But still.)

I really loved gathering with the street church family back in the beginning. Sunday morning breakfast gatherings of course (we still have those). And then we started having week-day-morning coffee gatherings (when the traditional churches in town wanted to get involved, and were full of great ideas of things we could do ... and initially even lent us some indoor space ... but as it turned out, didn't really get involved when it didn't fit into the way they do things). So our only "regular gathering" time is back to Sunday morning breakfast gatherings.

And of course, I used to live only a couple blocks from the heart of downtown, and I walked through downtown every day, and met up with the family in the square and on park benches and in back alleys and by the beach. But now I live a 45 minute walk away, and my health hasn't been so great, so I can't get there all the time. And they used to come to my house and we'd sit and have coffee and meals and gathering with You, too. But my home now is a long walk for them too.

Oh yes. And back then, we seemed to do a lot more sit-down-together (usually outside on the grass under the trees, or huddled around an old kerosene heater in the snow ... and sometimes indoors when it worked out) and talk together about the Lord in our lives. And read Scripture. And pray together as a group. But now it's mostly a coupl of individuals, or groups of 3 or 4, talking for a few minutes and then moving on. And there's value there. But I really do miss the group togetherness. And digging into Scripture. (We still pray together quite a bit).

(We never have had much music. Sometimes I miss that).

And of course, meeting together most days just on the street. Helping each other out. Sharing.

Anyway, I was thinking the other day about how I'd like to find a little gathering of Your people - not a rah-rah group with formal services and worship teams and preacher and stuff, but still, a little group to gather with. In homes or coffee shops or wherever.

I was even thinking how I wish church buildings (this town has a lot of them) were open and one could go in anytime. A kind of "chapel" space to just go in, get out of the cold, sit quietly, kneel at the altar, even talk and sing and pray together. Anytime. Informally.

Sometimes I remember a couple little churches of my past, where you could do that. I remember weekday "morning prayer" (matins) and "evening prayer" and kneeling rails (cushioned!). Places of quiet, focused "retreat" - yet not feeling alone. A real sense that You were there. With a few of Your people. Together. Family. Sometimes I think of that kind of longingly. Maybe I'm just being nostalgic. Maybe.

Okay, this is something I really do miss. Spending time in the scriptures and praying together. The thing is, at our street church gatherings, we do have some discussion and teaching. We share what God is doing in our lives. We answer the many questions from people for whom the Jesus Way is so new. We really do help each other, and that is awesome.

But... I miss really "getting into" scripture. A lot of people don't read much, if at all. A lot of people are suffering from illnesses and stuff that make "study" difficult. Or their lives are so focused on just surviving, that "study" is simply outside their current situation. And when they maybe start to get to the stage where they might want to "dig in," that's the time they move on with Jesus into new situations and places in life.

So I guess maybe I'm wishing to be part of a gathering of people who want to dig a bit deeper.

I'm wondering ... if all us believers, all over this town, are part of "the church at Penticton" shouldn't we be able to maybe meet with people from more than one local gathering? Even freely move among our brothers and sisters as God gives us opportunity? Why is that such a scary thought to so many "churches"?

(Maybe I'm just the problem. Maybe it's "just me.")

New Page: Asking Father About Dementia

2010-11-08T15:15:00.000-08:00

I have just completed a new "page" : Asking Father About Dementia

Do you ever wonder how God can allow people to suffer from dementia? Or how dementia affects one's relationship with God? Or how Christians react to those suffering from dementia? Have you ever been afraid of developing dementia?

On this new page, I have gathered together some of my journal entries that mark the path I have taken in coming to that point of fear, my questions to God about it all, and the path He has taken me out as I have learned to trust Him. The doctor says I do not have dementia... but even if I did develop it some day, I am no longer in terror of the possibility. Thank You, Father.

****

Oh! I just want to add: If you're worried about depression (and/or about dementia), from a "Christian" viewpoint, check out this conversation at Captain's blog. I'm not alone. You're not alone. We're in this together. A lot of us.
Thanks for posting, Chad. And the rest of you who responded. It helped me a lot.

Dementia and Loneliness

2010-11-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

November 6, 2010

(I wrote this a couple months ago, reflecting on when my mom had dementia)

Visiting my mom, day after day, alone, was probably the loneliest thing I have ever done.

She was alone in her lost world. And I was alone, physically alongside, but effectively separate. Alone.

Maybe there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't develop a new kind of relationship (we used to be so close, talked about everything).

But I can tell you this. If only someone else would have come with me once a week (or even once a month maybe), I wouldn't have felt so alone. But everyone I asked just said, "You know I can't. She's not the person I used to know. I can't bear to see her that way. You're strong. You'll do fine." And they turned their backs and walked away.

And that made me feel even more alone, that being alone with mom. Whatever made them think I was strong? I just needed someone to hold my hand and be strong - or whatever - beside me. Once in a while.

Bond to place: Haida Gwaii

2010-11-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

November 6, 2010

(This is something I wrote 2 months ago. At the time I wrote this, I was feeling very much out-of-place. Feeling I didn't belong anywhere. Wasn't needed anywhere. And looking back to a place and time when I did feel a bond. A bond which draws me still.)

In his book, So Beautiful, Leonard Sweet writes:

"Offcomer" is a northern word to describe people who are "blown in on the wind," or in other words, "outsiders" settling in places where they are not "local." The key to incarnational living in the twenty-first century is to live simultaneously as both global "offcomers" and tribal "locals," as well as vice versa.

My reaction:

Odd. I think I had a deep connection to the "place" of Masset and Old Massett, Haida Gwaii, from when I was very small, and every single day, pretty near, we went on long walks. I think the environment there became a deep part of me.

When I first returned over 20 years later, and sat on the dock, and looked out over the flats, my eyes were at the same level as when I was a tot walking there. And I had this extremely detailed and real, in-the-moment flash of that same view (though there had been some changes in the intervening years) as I had seen it as a less-than-two-year-old.

It's still the environment I miss, the ocean, beaches, salty-wind, gulls crying, ravens squawking... and meeting people walking down the street... and even that school where I slept in my buggy in the back of the classroom while my mom taught - and then taught there myself in that same room nearly a quarter of a century later.

I feel like I should feel safe and accepted there... yet never totally did in the later years. I was an "outsider" yet with a "local bond." So even there I felt a bit lost and separate. And I did try to live as "both global offcomers and tribal locals" but it didn't quite come together. Should it have? Maguy, the school French teacher, from Paris, warned me it wouldn't... couldn't ... And she advised me to enjoy what I could, be involved as I could, but not to try to be something I'm not.

Still, I long always to return. My connection to that place is far deeper than to any other place I have ever lived. I want to go home.

Dreams

2010-11-06T12:43:00.000-07:00

6 November 2010

One of the things that I was feeling discouraged about, was that I have reached 55 years of age, and suddenly realized that a lot of things I have dreamed of doing and being, have not been fulfilled. Some, of course, I've nibbled at; others are at least in the early stages of process. And I KNOW that Father knows my dreams, and that He loves me. And that if some of these dreams are in His purpose and plan for me, He will provide and lead. Even plant His own dreams in my heart, dreams that are greater than I can imagine.

But when I was feeling so down, it just seemed like I was getting too old and tired and that I'd never realize any of my dreams. I was so tired that my mind was foggy, and my memory was failing, and my naturally organized personality was becoming more and more disorganized. I was even terrified that maybe I was developing early onset dementia. It was a bleak time.

But even in that bleakness, Father (I'm sure it was He) nudged me to once again list my dreams. I personally felt it was a hopeless waste of time, and I cried through the whole exercise. But as I look at that list now I am beginning to feel hope, and courage to get up and get going. To bring this list to Papa, and talk to Him about it. To see what we might do together, in His will, with His guidance and strength and provision. Hope is springing! And with it peace and joy! Thank You, Lord!

I dream of living in a little cabin by the ocean. Sitting on the driftwood. Listening to the waves crashing on the beach. To gulls and ravens calling. Feeling the wind as it blows through great cedar trees. Hear the rain splattering on the roof. Smell the sea-salt in the air. I dream of looking to the far-off horizon. Dreaming of far-off places. Maybe even getting on a boat and going to see some of them. Maybe even get to serve some of Papa's children there. I would love that.
I dream of being able to spend more time with my children and grand-children. I dream of all my children, their spouses, my granchildren - even their spouses' families, all walking close with Jesus. I pray. And pray. And I know God answers.
I dream of getting that PhD in history that the Dean of History at UBC urged me to pursue, so many years ago. Or at least a Masters? But my grandpa always said I'd get a PhD. That would be awesome.
I dream of living in an intentional community. A community where we share each others' lives. Where maybe I could be a granny-home-school-community-teacher :-)
I dream, just once in my life, to be a bit of a success at something. Is that selfish? Maybe.
I dream of life in a cabin by the beach, writing, and inspiring. Writing blogs, and even a book or two, that someone actually reads.
I dream of maybe taking some seminary classes sometime.
I dream of continuing to learn French and Haida, and maybe Spanish too. and actually become fairly fluent by living in an immersion situation.
I dream of teaching people things I'm passionate about without being tied down to the "educational system" and without having to prepare exams and report cards!
I dream of becoming a successful writer. Whatever that means, lol!
I dream of going camping. A lot.
I dream of having a vacation in a cabin by the ocean. By myself!!
I dream of lots of time to hang out with my kids. My sister. My husband (getting to know each other more).
I dream of playing my guitar, getting and playing a piano, singing old sons, sketching, painting with water colors, planting an herb garden and veggies too.
I dream of lots of time for relationship with Jesus (and I dream that my kids will understand and accept that)
I dream of long rambling conversations with interesting people.
I dream of being part of a gathering of the church that is a real, daily community. And that I will discover what my "gift(s)" might be. And use them to truly be part of the body.
I dream of getting an old bus, and camperizing it, and travel across Canada, and America too, for a year or so. (My husband thinks that is a horrible idea, lol!)
I dream of curling up outside in the gazebo, wrapped in a cozy quilt in one of the big chairs, and sleeping. (Okay! I've been realizing this dream! :-)

I dream! And hope! And joy comes flooding in!

Thank You, Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit. Praise Your Holy Name. Amen.

Counting My Blessings!

2010-11-06T12:08:00.000-07:00

6 November 2010

Lest anyone deduce from some of my recent rambling, that my life leading up to "the crash" was all tough stuff, let me assure you - I have been and continue to be very blessed! I have a wonderful Father in heaven, Savior, and Spirit who never forsakes me. I have a husband who loves me, five wonderful children, and 8 awesome grand-kids. I have a street church family, who despite their own struggles (many of them far more difficult than mine), stand by and encourage and care for me. I belong to a couple writing groups who encourage me in my joy of writing. I live in the beautiful sunny Okanagan Valley in southern Beautiful British Columbia. Life is awesome! Thank You, Lord!

When I was feeling really down and exhausted, and everything seemed so so dark, God gently nudged me to list some of my blessings. I'll be honest - at that point, it was a difficult list to write. But as I did, the fog actually started to lift, and I realized more and more how much my Papa truly loves me.

So, here's a list of some of the BLESSINGS in my life in the 4 or so months before my tumble:

I accomplished some important writing projects: I wrote a commissioned play. I had two active blogs going, Pen and Paper Mama and My Church Journey, with more and more readers commenting and encouraging me. I was also actively commenting on lots of blogs. I published the first edition of a new quarterly news magazine for our Penticton Writers and Publishers group. I was moderating an active e-group.
I was actively involved in our complex's strata council. It's a great way to meet the neighbors, and be involved in the community.
I had opportunities to attend several writing seminars led by experienced writers, and successful publishers.
I got three new grandchildren! And I was able to travel and visit each of them and help out - and see my other grand-kids at the same time :-)
I received an excellent letter of reference from my last job.
In the spring I learned to use the entire Pro version of the new Word Office suite - and then had opportunities to use those new skills.
In mid-summer all my kids (but one) and their families came here for a long weekend. We had a wonderful time together!

Am I blessed or what? I am SO BLESSED!!!

In the past couple months, I have been sleeping. And sleeping. And sleeping. Making up, I suppose, for years without enough sleep. And my husband and son, here at home, and my other children, wherever they are, have been making sure that I obey the doctor and get rested and eat properly. I have not had to work. That's a blessing itself. It's been a beautiful fall, the colors are unbelievable, there's been lots of sunshine.

And I've had so much time with Father. At first, just collapsing into His arms and resting. A lot. And more recently, chatting with Him. Seeking Him. Being sought by Him. Starting to learn again how to praise Him.

I found a Bible that belonged to my mom. In it were marked the verses, God's mighty promises, that she hung onto when things were hard for her back in the day. With little notes - initials and dates - beside them, when she'd claimed them from her Father. A lot of those initials were mine. And my children's initials too. And because of the dates, I could look back and remember what was happening in our lives then. And, oh praise God, He has kept His promises! He has answered my mom's prayers! Even after mom went Home to meet Him face-to-face, the answers keep coming.

I AM SO BLESSED! I AM SO LOVED! Thank You, dear God - Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit.

I LOVE YOU! Thank You!